How To Get Out Of The Hands Of A “caring” Mother? Part 1 - Society

The boy is already 33, and he continues to live with his parents. Others may not understand what is happening. From the outside, the picture seems idyllic. An adult son or an adult daughter decided to become a support for elderly parents, live with them, and help. Nobody even guesses that this is an irreparable mistake of parents and the ruined fate of a son or daughter

I will not let you go

The natural course of life is that children grow up and leave the parent's nest. Many parents understand and accept this (well, perhaps with some worries and anxieties).

It even happens that parents themselves "push" a grown-up son or daughter into an independent life. And it happens the other way around.

Unable to cope with their own psychological problems, parents do everything they can to keep the “child” close to them (I put quotation marks, since we are talking about a person 20-30 years old and older).

Such destructive scenarios have, of course, a positive "cover". No one in his right mind will say that he wishes his children harm and destroys their lives, no, on the contrary, the actions of the parents will be explained by “valid” reasons.

See also: How to get out of the hands of a “caring” mother? Part 2

Stories about how grown children stay with their parents

Let's take a look at a few real-life episodes, and then analyze their psychological background.

First story

A 22-year-old young man is on a date with a girl. His mother calls him and says that it's time to go home. He objects. Mom says that if he doesn't go home immediately, she will feel bad. The guy listens. After learning why he was leaving, the girl refuses to continue to communicate with him.

Second story

A 25-year-old girl is going on a date with a young man. At this time, the mother says that she urgently needs help from her daughter with the housework (for example, tomorrow Aunt Masha will arrive with the child, and an urgent need to do a general cleaning and prepare a treat for the guests). The obedient daughter calls the guy and cancels the meeting, inventing a good reason.

Third story

Young man and girl on a date in a cafe. Suddenly, dad (no matter whose) comes in, who has tracked the location by geolocation, and tells his "child" that it's time to go home, mom is worried. Objections are ignored. The meeting ends. It will most likely be the last.

It is difficult for people who have not encountered such stories in their lives to believe that this happens. They begin to say that “you don't have to be so obedient,” “you cannot be manipulated,” and so on. Is it so?

In fact, it happens not only as in these examples, but much worse. Let's see how in the most seemingly prosperous families they come to such a life.

Childhood and adolescence: a chronicle of accidents

Almost always the protagonist of such scenarios is the anxious, overprotective mom. She sees her main task in ensuring that nothing bad happens to the child - primarily in terms of health and well-being.

And nothing bad really happens to him - in the sense that his parents had in mind. But other "bad" things happen to him. He practically loses the opportunity to create his own family and is doomed to a lonely old age.

The child in such families is often the only one, often late. Sometimes his birth was preceded by a difficult pregnancy

"This is overkill!" How to recognize an anxious mother?

It is characteristic that very often the mother connects herself with the child into one whole. Statements of this type are indicative:

• "We have all fives in quarters",
• “We won the competition for young violinists”,
• "The school uniform has become too small for us."

This kind of fusion of mother and baby is completely normal. However, there are mothers who do not cancel such a merger even when objectively it has not existed for a long time.

As a result, the mother does not feel the boundaries between herself and her son or daughter, and therefore does not realize that she is violating her personal space

Borders are violated if …

• mother, completely unabashed, enters the room of an adult child;
• examines his things;
• can easily open a "personal" drawer;
• takes out and reads a diary (not a school one, but a personal one);
• requires "transparency" of the child's life, has a negative attitude towards the appearance of secrets from his mother;
• not just interested in the child's studies, but performs many works for him so that the teacher will give a high mark.

An anxious mother considers her important task to protect the child from problems. Therefore, he grows in greenhouse-greenhouse conditions, not getting the opportunity to temper the spirit and will in the process of overcoming difficulties

Where is dad?

The father either does not delve into what is happening, doing work and making money, or he tries to intervene, but his attempts are stopped by his mother. She believes that raising children is her "fiefdom".

Often a "hot" issue and a reason for conflicts is the time of the child's arrival home.

An anxious mother, not realizing that she needs to learn to cope with her own inadequate fears, reduces them due to the restrictions imposed on her son or daughter. With great difficulty, the permissible time for returning home is shifted, for example, from 21 to 22 hours. You have to fight for the opportunity to go to an event that ends later.

Even more difficult for a neurotic mother is the situation when the exact time of coming home is not known. She does not tolerate the state of uncertainty and begins to call friends, classmates or fellow students of the grown child, in hospitals and accident bureaus

Read also:

• Mom, let me go! What is maternal jealousy
• Talk to me, Mom … and let me go. How to let a child go into adulthood
• The child does not let me go! How to separate from a child
• 5 manifestations of emotional abuse of mothers against their sons