Will: Parent-child Wars - Blogs, Society

This is the second article in a series related to the worries of parents whose child is not doing what he should. Least of all, I would like this text to be another article on the importance of developing willpower with recommendations on how to do it. If you need confirmation that the child needs to be forced and controlled, then this is not about that

The cycle also includes articles:

• The so-called independence. How to develop independence in a child and how to kill it?
• Motivation: someone else's and your own
• Resistance fighters

Getting ready (mentally) to write this text, I decided to see what has already been written on this topic. What I saw amazed even me (even though I am a sophisticated person). For example, I met with a recommendation to introduce the strictest regime for the child, to strictly follow it. And do your own business (business, not rest!) When the child has a break. Of course, in order to develop the will. She fled in fear.

Will: we study materiel

I will not encroach on the sacred - the will of each person is necessary. And everyone has it. In varying degrees of pumping, but available.

When volitional processes do not work in a person, this is a painful condition, and not so frequent. We google the terms "abulia", "hypobulia", "hyperbulia" and "parabulia", since we will not dwell on this here.

As with independence, will in the world does not mean the same thing as in psychology.

Volitional processes are a person's conscious regulation of their behavior and activities, associated with overcoming external and internal obstacles, mobilizing forces to achieve their goals

It takes will to get off the couch and go to the refrigerator. In order to get home to your favorite TV show, too. As well as in order to successfully complete a large project. Of course, these are different investments of willpower.

Briefly, the volitional process can be described as follows: there is a need - I set a goal - I am looking for motivation - I overcome obstacles - I realize the goal.

Examples of the work of volitional processes

Example No. 1

A boy and a half years old climbs to dad's tools, wanting to study them (need, goal, cognitive motivation). Mom is against, she is afraid that she will get hurt, so she hides the tools (obstacle). The boy responds with a shout (statement of a need, an attempt to overcome an obstacle). A little later, the kid finds a way to get to the tools: he climbs into a chair and takes them from the shelf (realization of the goal).

Example No. 2

A six-year-old girl "played" with dolls - makes them hair. She wants to comb all the dolls, and then sit them beautifully (need, purpose). She wants her dolls to look beautiful tomorrow when her friend comes (motivation). Mom tells her it's time to finish, she needs to sleep (obstacle). The girl “does not seem to hear,” ignores the words of her mother (overcoming obstacles). She continues her work (realization of the goal) until her mother explodes due to disobedience.

Example No. 3

A 14-year-old teenager was punished for doing his homework poorly, as he played a computer game. Mom took the wire, without which the computer did not work (obstacle, challenge). The guy set himself the goal of ensuring that the computer works while his mother is at work (need, goal). He wanted to show his mother that her actions are useless and he is more cunning (motivation, overcoming obstacles). He contacted a friend who helped him figure out the wire model. He had pocket money. Now he could play in the absence of his mother (goal realization). This went on for quite a long time (keeping volitional efforts in control of the situation).

I specifically cite such egregious examples to make it clear: will is not only about what is “necessary”. She is very often about what "you want". After all, a complex process - and in the examples all complex - requires significant energy to develop a strategy, maintain it, defend its priority, and implement it.

Whose "need" is this?

Let's return once again to the theory: the volitional process is impossible without a goal. There is still a need before the goal, and this is very important. Because if this is the need of the person himself, that is, his own "need" or "want", then fewer problems arise. When it is your own need, then the motivation is also yours, and this facilitates the path to the goal.

A completely different story with external "must". They don't create a need of their own. There is no such important tension between "I do not have what I need" and "I will have what I need." That is why duties take root so badly.

All people of all ages are better at directing their will to what they need and want. In the event that the target is perceived as foreign, a useful resistance mechanism is activated.

Now you understand why it is much easier to fold a thermal mosaic or build from Lego than to sit down for lessons. But both require a volitional process.

So not to force at all?

But still! We, parents, are right to insist on such "unnecessary" things for the child as neatness, neatness, study, walks, politeness. Due to his little experience, he does not understand why all this is needed.

Sometimes it is even difficult to explain that accuracy can be useful to him in 20 years in a scientific laboratory or medical practice. A solid basis in history and geography will give him a well-educated person, which will affect his social image

And the habit of controlling what you say and to whom will do a good job anytime, anywhere.

You understand that - he is not. You honestly try to explain to him, but he "does not understand", and argues, and does not. But what if we are talking about absolutely essential elements of life, such as schooling? What should I do?

Do your job honestly

I am very sympathetic to parents in raising children. This is a complex and energy consuming process. Motivating a child, overcoming his resistance, monitoring the fulfillment of the obligatory is not what you thought about the happiness of parenthood, swinging him, agog, on his arms.

After some battles, you have to treat yourself with cappuccino and a wet towel on your forehead. Sometimes the thought comes that you are probably child-free, but it's too late, you already have three of them

The mission of this text is this: I want you to see that you are not at all a weak-willed child. He does some pretty tricky things in terms of goal setting, self-motivation, overcoming obstacles and achieving what he wants.

Yes, yes, now you also know that your demands to quickly do what "should be done" is such an obstacle to his own processes. And he honestly overcomes it. The good news is his volitional processes are working. The bad thing is that it is not very pleasant to be an obstacle.

What to do to make it easier for parents and children?

There will be no ready-made recommendations here. For readers with an inquiring mind - a few questions. The answers will be in new texts.

• 1. Could it be that the need is someone else's, but you can find your need under the goal? How will this affect the volitional process?
• 2. If the need and purpose are strangers, can you find your own motivation (preferably not based on fear)?
• 3. How is it useful to resist what is perceived as someone else's?
• 4. Can you remember an example when your personal "want" or "like" resulted in a mature volitional process of implementing the idea and it was good?

Write your thoughts in the comments to the text. Everyone's experience is valuable