The So-called Independence - Blogs, Society

“He himself does not do his homework / does not clean the room / does not wash the dishes / does not (…). And so I have to remind, force, scold …”Every parent has such complaints. Ok, but why do they associate with the idea of "My child is dependent"? Not everything is so obvious

Independence - what is it?

- How can I develop independence in a child?

- What do you mean by independence?

- Independence … mmm … Well, this is when he himself performs his duties.

You listened to the standard dialogue between a parent and a psychologist. That is, independence is the obedient fulfillment of requirements (here a brooding emoji rubbing his chin). Nobody says: "independence is when he chooses what he will wear today." Or: "when he can get to the section himself." Or, "when she decides how to take a selfie."

As a literalist, I like to start with accepted definitions. For example, from the "Great Psychological Encyclopedia".

Independence is a generalized personality trait, manifested in initiative, criticality, adequate self-esteem and a sense of personal responsibility for their activities and behavior. The independence of the individual is associated with the active work of thought, feelings and will

We write out important concepts: initiative, criticality, adequate self-esteem, a sense of personal responsibility, one's own activities, one's behavior, thoughts (intentions), feelings, will. I would also add motivation here.

Examples of independence:

• A five-year-old boy decided to draw a pirate ship (concept, initiative). He painted it (will). He looks and says: "Something did not work out for me, the sail could have been better drawn (adequate self-esteem, criticality), but I like (positive feelings to support future motivation)."

  Total: the person was in his activity, realized his plan, somehow reacted to it, gained experience. From the point of view of psychology, it is an act of independence.

• A schoolboy, 13 years old, decides that he will not spend too much time on contour maps on history (intention, initiative), and he agrees to “3” for them, but will try to give oral answers (adequate self-assessment and assessment of the situation, criticality, sense of personal responsibility, strategy of behavior). He is ready to spend time and energy on thoroughly completing homework in physics, wanting to get a "5" (motivation, responsibility, will, initiative).

  Total: behavior can be labeled as independent, since it has all the signs of such. But what can parents say? “A lazy person, with his brains he could have learned all fives.”

Do what it takes

“And what if instead of a physics assignment he decides to sit on the phone for this time?” - rightly ask the parents. Yes, all this is unpleasant. By the way, alas and ah, "sitting on the phone" can also be an act of independence (when, of course, it is not an addictive behavior). Because “sitting” is not the same. For example, a child decided to rest for an hour to start doing homework at 18.00, and not at 17.00, as the parent requires. Perhaps the child knows better. Let's say he has experience that he has time to complete his homework before 20.00, he knows that he is doing better when he switched. Anyway, maybe he reads Wikipedia.

We will soon talk to you about "must" and "want" in a new text - about will and self-control. Until then, let's not confuse wet and cold. Independent behavior - separately, fulfillment of requirements and obligations - separately.

I will not argue that school, cleaning, proper nutrition and routine are very important topics. It's not about your decisions. Not about your motivation. This means that all the components listed above (initiative, work of thought, responsibility for the result, will, etc.) work rather poorly. Why?

If any activity or behavior is imposed on a person, he will not grab them with enthusiasm. Here another process is involved - resistance, avoidance. We will also talk about them in a separate text.

Lack of independence

To be honest, I am more afraid of the state of children who do everything obediently. Step by step: I did what I said. Such a child is so accustomed to constant care and external guidance that he cannot take a step on his own, or take the smallest decision without looking back.

In the absence of parents, he sticks to the teacher, and as he grows up, to authoritative peers. Do you know these types? But he does not argue, he does his homework when you tell him, and eats soup without question.

So who is more independent? The one who argues and defends something of his own or obediently performs?

We are looking for independence

Now let's suppose that you are worried about the fact that the child is (seemingly) dependent, and not that he is not doing something necessary. Soup separately, flies separately.

I suggest that you seek independence not where it is usually sought, but in a completely different place.

• Pay attention to activities that the child is doing on their own initiative that they enjoy. Let's say he built a spaceship from Lego - it's an act of independence. Or he put "his" order in the room, albeit not the best, in your opinion. But - your own.
• Pay attention to areas of life where he successfully manages without you. For example, you used to take him to the pool, but now he gets there and completely manages himself. Or before she had to wake up in the morning, but now she chooses clothes, brushes her hair, makes herself a sandwich and goes to school beautiful.
• Pay attention to the area of responsibility. Perhaps the child is optimizing the process so that it takes less time and energy. Let's say he has his own dishwashing system. Or collecting a portfolio. Or he insists on the order in which the items are performed (perhaps he knows something about himself).
• Is he trying to influence the life of the family? Making any suggestions?
• The child defends what is directly related to his "boundaries": interests, regime, clothes, friends.

If you find examples, you don't have to worry - your child develops independence.

How to kill independence

I will say right away that this is not so easy to do. Yet man is organized so as to be able to survive on his own. Therefore, the psyche resists as best it can. But you can put a person in difficult conditions where it will be more difficult for him to develop independence.

1. Overprotection and overcontrol

   It is enough to take care of a child from infancy, not letting him do what he already can, and you can get a person with a fully formed learned helplessness to school.

2. Criticism and advice

   Criticize any attempt to do something yourself. Explain that “a tree is not painted like that,” and when he is offended, get angry and say that you only wish him well. By school, he will have a firmly formed fear of assessment and relying only on external authority.

3. Fears

   Let your fears guide you. The child, your toddler, can be wrong. A mistake is a shame, it is unpleasant, and it is in your power to protect it. Try to make sure he doesn't make mistakes. Well, yes: overprotection, control, criticism, advice. The circle is complete.

It is not a fact that independence will be killed, but the fact that it will be harder for it to break through is a fact. True, there are children who resist great, but this is about family wars.

conclusions

Self-reliance is when a person himself plans his activities from design to implementation, and also evaluates the result

What you would like to see fulfilling responsibilities are self-organizing skills. They are related to autonomy, but not directly. So to speak, they are sisters at will - both have roots in volitional processes. Let's talk about this separately.

If a person has a zone for training independence (and the older, the wider), this benefits him: making decisions, implementing them, he gains experience.

Constant training leads to the fact that a person develops the ability to make consciously motivated decisions and achieve results, despite difficulties

And this is useful to everyone.