Table of contents:
- Although our views on many issues related to marital relations have changed dramatically over the past 20-30 years, these changes have hardly touched on such a painful problem as cheating. As before, infidelity remains one of the most frequent reasons for contacting a family psychologist
- When to change partners is natural
- "How could he do that right now ?!" Cheating after childbirth
- "Does he love me anymore?" Cheating in a long-standing marriage
- What does treason say?
- Working on bugs
Video: Why Do Men Cheat? - Relations
Although our views on many issues related to marital relations have changed dramatically over the past 20-30 years, these changes have hardly touched on such a painful problem as cheating. As before, infidelity remains one of the most frequent reasons for contacting a family psychologist
If 20-30 years ago men cheated more often, now there is equality in this respect. Since the psychology of cheating men and women is not exactly the same, then they need to be analyzed separately. Let's start with male cheating.
When to change partners is natural
Both man and woman go through several stages of psychosexual development.
It is important for a young man to make sure that girls can be interested in him, get closer to him, and have sexual relations. He finds out which girls make him want to, which ones are good in bed, what he generally likes in the field of sex.
It is impossible to answer these questions with speculative reflections, the answers come with experience, so changing partners at this stage is a common thing
Of course, there are young people in whom psychosexual development occurs according to other scenarios. However, we are now talking about how it happens most often.
And most often it happens that some relationships are quickly replaced by others, not to mention one-time contacts.
At this stage of psychosexual development, the girl also solves similar problems (of course, adjusted for gender). It is important for her to make sure that she is attractive to representatives of the opposite sex, to understand her preferences regarding men, to find out what she likes about sex. Therefore, on the part of girls, long-term relationships at this stage are quite rare.
At the stage of psychosexual development, it is a rule to enter into intimate relationships with different partners. Expecting the opposite is unrealistic and only leads to disappointment
"How could he do that right now ?!" Cheating after childbirth
Of course, incomparably more worries are brought by the partner's infidelity at another stage - when the couple has been living together for several years. Most men and women, when deciding to live together, are initially determined to be faithful.
However, cheating happens, and quite often, so it is important to correctly understand their psychosexual prerequisites - both for the prevention of cheating, and for the restoration of relationships
As the consulting practice shows, the first infidelity of the husband in many cases took place several months after the birth of the first child. This circumstance causes an additional wave of resentment, anger and misunderstanding in the woman: "How could he betray me when such a joyful and important event happened recently ?!"
The same situation looks differently through the eyes of her husband: “My wife, for whom for several years of our life I was the main object of love, attention and care, now turned away from me and completely devoted herself to the baby. No one ironed my shirts, and a hot dinner is not waiting for me in the evening. But that's not the point. She became irritable, unfriendly, always dissatisfied with something. I hardly hear those pleasant words that she said before. Conversations with her were reduced to a minimum, and I'm not even talking about sex."
Many of a man's needs are suddenly frustrated. Someone finds in themselves the wisdom to adapt to a new reality, and someone starts a new relationship. So there are one-time betrayals, for example, on business trips, and novels of medium duration, and parallel relationships.
Everything secret, as you know, becomes obvious. A whirlwind of thoughts arises and rages in the head of a woman whom her husband has cheated on: “How could he do this to me?”, “Why did he do it?”, “Why did he deny everything when I asked him?”, "Why is that woman better than me?", "He doesn't love me anymore?"
If a woman tells her friends and / or relatives about what happened, then she receives, along with moral support (which is good), assessments of the situation and advice.
The recommendations of friends and relatives are more harmful than good, they are more confusing than helping to understand how to act correctly
"Does he love me anymore?" Cheating in a long-standing marriage
The second period, when male infidelity often occurs, is the intervals between 8-10 and 14-17 years of married life.
Several factors overlap in this time interval.
The outbursts of passions are long gone, a measured routine life has been going on for many years. There is mutual affection between husband and wife, but mutual grievances, disappointments, and claims have accumulated. Novelty has gone out of communication and sex
There are many problems associated with children, relatives, work, money, health. Plus, a man begins to feel that his sexual capabilities are weakening, episodes of impotence may occur.
All this in combination - emotional distance, decreased satisfaction from intimacy - can lead to betrayal
Surprisingly, many women think that everything is in order in their family - up to the discovery of the fact of treason, which falls like snow on its head. But this does not happen: it means that the woman either did not want to see the signs of trouble in the relationship, or she saw, but did not attach importance to them.
“It's better to change something than with someone,” sexologists say. In most cases, you can work together to solve problems. But after discovering the fact of treason, it becomes much more difficult to work on relationships
Unfortunately, men sometimes do not dare to speak directly and frankly with their wife about what they are not happy with in the marital relationship, fearing of offending or causing a violent conflict. It is easier for them to have an extramarital affair.
What does treason say?
Cheating is a symptom of serious relationship problems in a couple. And it's not always about sex.
In most cases, a man is looking for not just a young body on the side, but an attitude towards himself from a woman that he does not receive from his wife.
At home, he is dealing with a tired, annoyed, disgruntled wife. And during meetings with his mistress, he receives admiration, respect, tenderness, passion, not to mention the fact that she is beautifully dressed and well-groomed.
Of course, these explanations do not relieve a man of responsibility for treason. They are important in order to help women think and act in the right direction, not to cheat themselves, not to plunge into useless reflections and self-reflection.
Women often think that a parallel relationship for a man is sheer pleasure. But this is not the case. A lot of unfaithful husbands do not like to lie, pretend, conspire, invent legends, fear exposure
Most men, despite their dissatisfaction with sex, do not cheat on their wives, especially in a marriage with a decent amount of experience. In cases where a relationship arises on the side, a man almost never thinks about leaving his wife for his mistress.
This is worth remembering for the mistresses of married men who make far-reaching plans for them: most likely, these plans will not come true
Working on bugs
Our big trouble is psychological illiteracy. Neither at school nor at the institute do they teach things that are necessary for everyone - the basics of the psychology of family life. As a result, men and women make a lot of mistakes that might not have happened.
There is a belief that if we love each other, then our relationship will remain so "forever." They built the pyramid of Cheops - here it has been standing for thousands of years - about such a model.
This is a delusion, and fraught with very serious consequences. It is much more accurate to compare the relationship with a flower - a living fragile plant that must be regularly watered, fertilized, protected from gusts of wind.
You need to work on relationships, make efforts, and not let them go by themselves.
Cheating is a consequence, and if a couple has a desire to preserve the marriage, then it is necessary to work on the relationship, to solve the problems that led to the infidelity
Better yet, take early action to prevent cheating.
What is important to do?
- Calmly discuss all interpersonal issues, including sexual dissatisfaction;
- look for constructive solutions;
- to involve, if necessary, a specialist - a family psychologist, a psychologist-sexologist.