The Pitfalls And Prizes Of Unconditional Acceptance. Part 2 - Society

Part 1

Growing up and unconditional acceptance

Your baby is growing, other people appear in his life, activities that are not related to you. He gradually moves away and separates from you. While he still badly needs your approval and support.

It is for you that this expressive drawing in the style of "post-post-absolute post-modern" was drawn. The first fives are dedicated to you, the first two to you too

Now you have to accept or not accept a lot of different things. Bad behavior, bad grades, conflicts with classmates and teachers, in which your child may not look like an angel.

How to respond while remaining a “good mother”?

Interestingly, acceptance is thought of primarily as a maternal function. The Father in our collective unconscious is supposed to be the bearer of the idea "as you drown, so you will burst." In other words, his love and respect must still be earned. In fact, both parents have inside all the embodiment of love for the child, this is a conditional division

• 1. To separate a person and his actions. We love our boy very much, and therefore we are angry at his bad behavior. This is on the level of emotions.
• 2. We love our boy very much, so we try to teach him to live in society. And in our society it is not accepted, for example, to break other people's things, offend other people, and disrupt lessons. And it is our responsibility as parents to bring these social norms to the consciousness of the child.

We analyze situations from life

7-11 years old

“I'm sorry it happened at school. I understand that you were very angry with Pasha and therefore hit him and broke his pencil. But you can't do that. Let's think about how we can fix this situation”- it is so appropriate to speak with a younger student who still does not know how to resolve conflicts, does not see the connection between his behavior and the reactions of other people, poorly regulates his emotions.

11-18 years old

“We agreed that you would come home no later than eight, and now it's already half past nine. I was very worried, especially since you did not answer calls. I want you not to go anywhere after school for a week "- once again recite the rules of your house with a teenager who has a mission" to bring parents to white heat, but not to a heart attack."

If the rules are broken

By the way, there are a huge number of people in the world who sincerely believe that any agreement is just a recommendation. Do you know how there are signs on the road that prohibit, prescribe and recommend. For example, "in the rain on this section of the road, do not accelerate faster than 70 km / h."

So, you do not call your dear offspring a muddle-headed, sloven, unfeeling egoist, who does not give a damn that mom's pressure has jumped, but calmly announce: “You broke the rules, the fine is such and such

Millennials: Features of Acceptance

You've probably heard a lot from some general features of the "generation of the 2000s", millennials: they are irresponsible, and lazy, and infantile. In fact, we cannot single out any properties common to all young people born at the beginning of the 21st century.

To our common happiness, the longer we live without global shocks and disasters, the less bright signs each generation carries

But some amazing things that we haven't seen before are still visible. For example, an urgent need for positive feedback.

Employers are very surprised when it is discovered that young employees are not able to assess for themselves whether the work has been done or not, whether the task has been done well

A millennial with a higher education cannot keep himself busy during work hours, constantly demands praise, strokes and additional motivation.

A young man of 23 years old came to career guidance. When asked what went wrong in his previous job, he replied: “I never understood whether the boss was happy with me or not. It was very unnerving. " Lasted a month. The fact that he was not scolded, but given more and more new tasks, was not interpreted in any way. The guy in all seriousness believed that at the end of the day he should be given a grade like "well done, sit down, five." And, not receiving such an assessment, he fell into a very unpleasant anxiety state, quit his job and is now afraid to get a job again. There is no internal "observer" who would signal him: "Everything is in order, move on."

Instead of career guidance, I had to take up psychotherapy. It quickly became clear that from early childhood all manifestations of the boy's initiative were blocked, desires were devalued, and the only goal was proclaimed "to be a good son." That is, a guy is guided in life not by his own needs and interests, but by someone else's approval or disapproval.

Of course, such upbringing has nothing to do with unconditional acceptance, on the contrary, my hero knows for sure that no one is particularly interested in his personality, it only matters how much he meets the expectations of his parents. But from the outside, it looks like a constant search for support and approval, which, of course, is very annoying for adults (especially men).

Important differences

• Unconditional acceptance is only a foundation, a beginning, something on which mutual respect will be built later.
• Love is an even more complex feeling, far from flat "approve / disapprove".

Caring, respect, friendship rest on mutual affection, but they, of course, strongly depend on the behavior and actions of all participants. In contrast to maternal adoration in early infancy.