The Top Secret To Talking Effectively With Your Teen About Sex - Sex, Society

Part 1

What can be discussed?

1. We're not talking about sex, but about growing up

“From the first days we actively support the growing up of the child, we rejoice at the first smiles, steps, words, up to potty training,” notes Ekaterina. - We make a holiday out of this, we focus attention. And the theme of physiological development in adolescence should be on a par with these events.

Ideally, you need to prepare the teenager in advance for changes: for the onset of menstruation - girls, wet dreams - boys. Do not forget about the growth of mammary glands, the appearance of hair, etc. Talk in advance about what will happen to them.

It is much easier psychologically to endure what was previously said, that is, passed mentally

In addition, the child will not frantically search the Internet, what is happening to him, how to buy pads, why he woke up in a sticky puddle, and so on. And they are more likely to seek support when they “recognize the symptoms” that the parent has warned about.

This will be another natural stage of maturation and development. And at this moment it will be very convenient to go further and discuss that puberty means the body's physical readiness for inter-sex interactions. Physical, but not psychological!"

2. We're not talking about sex, but about feelings

“After 12 years, adolescents develop not only an abstract interest in sex as an attribute of adulthood, but also a directed sympathy for specific boys or girls, for the ability to communicate, including tactilely.

At this point, it's important to say that sex is an integral part of an intimate relationship. Emphasize that he will definitely be in life, but there is no need to force events

A physical connection is a continuation of an emotional connection. Not everyone who is pleasant will have sex. Only a certain degree of mutual interest, trust and respect allows one to move to this level of relations.

Be sure to introduce the concepts of “trust” and “respect”. The readiness for the onset of sexual activity should be not only physiological, but also moral. The person must be ready to take responsibility for the partner and all further events

Do not hesitate to repeat that sex is an intimate, deep process. That between a man and a woman, it can happen only by mutual agreement. In no case can it be any routine (“registration”, “initiation” in some subcultural groups), or the result of blackmail (“they will not communicate with you if you don’t sleep with me”) or provocation (“Weakly”), because this is already compulsion”.

3. We are not talking about sex, but about safety (mental, physical, social)

“Explain to your teenager why this conversation is taking place:“I am a parent and I am worried about your safety, so I want you to receive reliable and useful information instead of unverified and incorrect information from friends or from the Internet. Much about sex can be traumatic if it happens out of time or inappropriately. And your psychological safety is important to me”.

Unfortunately, in their practice, sexologists are often faced with the fact that, after watching pornographic videos on the network, teenagers try to repeat something similar (including in a group version). Even shoot something on camera, distribute it on the Web. As a result, this leads to serious psychological trauma - both for girls and boys.

There is nothing healthy about becoming an easily accessible porn star at school. This is cheap popularity with no long-term effect and depression as a consequence

It is unsafe to replicate one's sexuality also in the context of more serious dangers - already in the face of adults, who can take advantage of the adolescent's unpreparedness.

These are all real dangers. And your task is not to intimidate, but to warn and give specific advice on how to act in a given situation."

4. We're not talking about sex, but about hygiene

“Open source pornographic sites and materials are a big problem for all parents. And the main danger is not at all that the child, in principle, will see something like that, but that, by age, he is not yet ready to accept the information offered. In this regard, porn can form the wrong landmarks.

Let me give you a simple analogy: when a child watches a movie about Superman, and then starts running around the house in shorts on pantyhose with an outstretched arm, he very quickly realizes that for some reason he can't fly. And after looking closely, he realizes that people do not fly at all. And he easily pulls apart fiction and reality.

The difficulty with pornography is that a teenager who has no idea about real sex cannot separate the real from the unreal

It is worth explaining that porn is not a documentary that reveals to us all the sides and riches of the wonderful world of sex. This is a hard-edged showreel about “a series of acrobatic sketches,” as Semyon Slepakov sings.

The teenager understands that months of training are behind the cool trick of a skater or parkour, but he does not think so about sex

Therefore, do not hesitate to say it out loud. Explain that sex is also training and preparation. And nothing happens in life, like in porn films. Primarily in terms of interpersonal communication between partners, but not least and banal from a hygienic point of view: caring for intimate areas before, during and after the act, contraception, prevention of sexually transmitted diseases, long-term foreplay as a way to ensure atraumatic contact and etc. Not to mention unwanted pregnancy."

5. We're not talking about sex, but about self-knowledge

“Another possible awkward situation is when parents find out about teen masturbation. Here, in my opinion, there are two points. If a 10–12 year old child is satisfying himself using porn or photos as stimulation, I would recommend that parents strongly insist on banning this content. The reasoning may be the same as above: inconsistent with age. Remind older teens about perceptual distortions and porn addiction.

Otherwise, masturbation is a natural phenomenon. This is knowing your body, your reactions and emotions

Mindful of how people of our generation and older, trying to wean them from masturbation, were frightened by either hairy palms or baldness, I want to remind you once again: modern sexologists and parents should not treat this topic as unnatural and shameful.

This is pretty authentic communication with your own body, so try not to disturb your teen's privacy. Who knows, maybe this (coupled with educated respect for himself and others) will save him from premature sexual intercourse for the sake of the public, and not himself.