The Pitfalls And Prizes Of Unconditional Acceptance. Part 1 - Society

It seems that everyone has already learned that a child must be "unconditionally loved." "Certainly" not as an introductory word, but as a definition: without conditions, just because he, the child, is. Accept it in its entirety, do not give marks, always and in everything to support and approve

Stop. Somewhere we are not there. And what if he, as the writer Elena Mikhalkova aptly put it, does henna? Also take it without judgment? How then to educate and keep the boundaries?

From a letter to a psychologist:

“First, my mom said it:“You just don't love him, that's all! That is why he behaves like that.” I was very hurt, but knowing my mom, who would never miss the opportunity to insert a hairpin for me, attributed it to the difficulties in our relationship.

But then this was repeated by a family psychologist, a doctor, elderly and experienced. I went to a consultation about my son's aggressive and unsafe behavior, and at the end of an hour and a half conversation, he almost word for word repeated my mother’s words: “If you truly loved him, you would easily bear all his jumps.”

My friend finished it off completely, I wrote in a social network under lock and key about my experiences in connection with the child, and she suddenly also asked: “Do you love him at all? It doesn't look like something …”That was the last straw.

After all, I do not just love him, he is the most important, the most valuable thing in my life. But with the beginning of adolescence, he was possessed like a demon, he became unbearable. Every day there are scandals, I practically dropped out of school, everything is “no”, you can't talk about anything, just tears or op.

I can't do this anymore, I don't want to live. And everyone keeps telling me about unconditional acceptance, which solves all problems. Please help me figure it out, I'm completely at a loss."

What to do in a situation, as with the young man from the letter above: he dropped out of school, is rude, scandalous, there is nothing with him? Little child for you "Get away from me with your lessons!" - and you to him "It hurts me very much to hear that, but I love you anyway" by Gippenreiter?

Something is wrong here. Need to think.

Give me a hug

The concept of unconditional acceptance is very convenient to explain on an age scale. Look here.

The baby was born. All you want in the first few months is to continuously carry, hug, poke, murz, lick and feed him at the first squeak. This is pure biology, nothing personal.

The sight and smell of a baby triggers the work of such powerful biological programs that there are simply no other options for behavior

And we - yes, we accept the baby with all his cries, poop, teething, whims, fears and other joys of the first year of life. The main task of the parent at this time is to correctly guess the state of the baby, to name him, thereby informing that we are fully coping with his unbearable emotions and are not even afraid at all. And don't get angry. And no, we will not throw him out the window in the frost because, for example, he terribly hates his mother now for the fact that she does not give or allow something. Biting the chest, for example.

Ten-month-old Masha whines, gets angry, tries to peel off the lid from an iron can of cookies, violently knocks the can on the floor, eventually bubbles the can across the room and bursts into an angry roar. “Well, Marus, sometimes there are very stubborn cans,” her mother calmly states. - I would also be angry and yelling. I really sympathize with you. " Masha needs just a minute of roar and one light stroking on the back to calm down and start smoking the next box with the same enthusiasm. Her feelings were understood and accepted, everyone was calm.

If Masha started, for example, knocking on the window with an iron can, her mother would have stopped her and switched to some safer occupation. And all this - absolutely without assessment of Masha herself. No “What a terrible child you are! For whatever you take, you break everything! You cannot take your eyes off for a second, my punishment! " Just the introduction of norms of behavior: this is how it is possible, but this is not possible.

"You-well-my-clever" or "Woe-my-bitter"?

From the daily and hourly statements of the parents, the child receives information about himself: who am I? What am I? "You-well-my-clever" or "Woe-my-bitter"? The same behavior can be called active (approving) and unbearable (disapproving). And since the child is not yet able to carry out complex analytical work to separate his personality from his own actions, the assessment of behavior at this age is fixed as a description of the whole person as a whole.

Conclusion: in infancy and early childhood, it is generally better to avoid any evaluations, only the introduction of rules and norms of behavior. "Do this, but don't do this." And the description of what is happening: “You are very upset that the tower collapsed, and therefore you are angry. I'm sorry, too"

Great, you say, this all works great until about two years. And then this eternal battle begins, the "crisis of negativism", a continuous "No!" and "I want and I will!" There, your clever jokes do not work, because he (the child) wants to achieve his own, and not at all to be pitied and consoled. How to react when the child kicks you, bites and yells like sliced?

Yes, about the same: we stop unwanted behavior. But we do not send to another room / outside the door / to the bathroom, "until you calm down and learn how to behave." He does not really control himself at this moment, certainly not enough to demonstrate decency.

The most important thing in such a situation is that you, the parents, do not collapse yourself. They were not afraid of his rage, did not fall into despair "I am a bad mother", did not attack in response

This difficult period will end, life will improve, but the knowledge that you are loved, only while you are cute, can gain a foothold for a long time.

Your main message at this moment should be clear and understandable: "You feel bad now, I will help you to cope, but I have the power, accept it." And then - "I love you."

See the difference? Behavior is adjustable, emotions are accepted, personality is not evaluated.

What does non-acceptance look like? 5 sure signs

• 1. A categorical interruption of any child's activity: "do not run, do not shout, do not make noise, do not do." As a result - “don't live”.
• 2. Rhetorical questions "Who are you so ugly into?", "Why are you so strange?", "Do you want my death, or what?" etc. It is perceived in the same way: "I cannot live."
• 3. Condemnation of illness or weakness - as if it were a conscious and malicious choice of a child: "You hit it yourself, and cry now, no one is to blame for you!"
• 4. At the stage of potty training - active condemnation in situations of punctures and failures.
• 5. Comparison with unloved relatives (usually with a departed or unworthy father).

All these familiar constructions, which themselves fly off the language, are nothing more than attacks on the core of a person's personality: "We do not need you the way you are, you are worthless, wrong, you do not suit us."

In a more modern, intelligent version, rejection goes along the line of "acceptable / unacceptable emotions." Most often, children's anger is taboo, and in words everyone has already learned that it is normal to be angry, but no one knows how to cope with aggressive manifestations.

From new, completely fresh: intolerance to sadness. A sad or dissatisfied child is perceived as evidence of the mother's incompetence

This state triggers anxiety, a feverish search for ways to cheer or somehow distract the child from his experiences.

Instead of letting the person live their emotion to the end. The same about rejection, if you think about it.

Part 2