Portrait Of A Modern Sadist - Relationships, Society

When a person hears about a sadist, he imagines a cruel maniac, animal torturer, rapist or bandit with a knife. All these are different facets of sadism. Today I will tell you about one of its forms - psychological sadism

Empty souls

Sadism is a tendency towards violence, taking pleasure in humiliating and torturing others. The concept of "sadism" was first introduced into scientific use by Kraft-Ebing in the monograph "Sexual Psychopathy" published in 1886. The most famous sadist in human history was the Marquis de Sade. He was known for sexual sadism, today we will talk about the combination of psychological sadism and its private manifestations in the sexual sphere. Psychological sadism is primary, and even there are forms of sadism that manifest themselves only in communication.

What does he look like, this modern Marquis de Sade? As a rule, these are men between the ages of 30 and 50. Until 30 they are still "immature" sadists, gaining strength. After 50, they become smaller. These are men with high intelligence, successful and socially quite adapted people with a narrow social circle. Such men have friends or not, or there are very few of them, and most often they are women. Why? Because sadists react extremely painfully to any manifestations of competition, and they do not see competitors in women.

If we talk about the personal characteristics of such men, then they are either narcissists or schizoids. Narcissists were still more common in my practice as a psychotherapist-sexologist. Whichever personality trait prevails, they all share one common feature - a painfully experienced inner emptiness. When they talk about her at a consultation, they call her boredom, depression, sadness.

I had a client who called himself "dull shit." At the same time, he did not have an objective reason for such a sense of self. Emptiness in the soul, like a vampire, requires blood - new resources from the outside. Such a man cannot form feelings on his own, his emotional sphere, like a broken mechanism, needs constant recharge. The emotions of other people (including sexual ones) are used as resources.

Vampire needs blood

The relationship between a sadistic man and women is based on the “donor-recipient” model of behavior. At first, in order for the victim to swallow the bait, he may behave like an ordinary man showing an interest in a woman. His main goal is to fall in love with himself, to catch him on a hook, and then torment him until he loses interest or until he is satisfied. Here the analogy with a leech begs. The leech falls off by itself when it has drunk enough blood. Thus, at the beginning of a relationship with a sadist, women fall into his skillfully placed web of seduction. He is attentive, sensitive, behaves actively, warning and as if even guessing the desires of the victim. This is easy for a sadist: thanks to intelligence and observation, he can read in the souls of other people.

When the desired is achieved and the victim is hooked, the sadist performs his first maneuver - castrates the woman's desires. It can be anything: a supposedly accidental cancellation of a date, a too long SMS response, strange coldness and monosyllabicity. This is the first attack to cement the sadomasochistic relationship. The victim is discouraged, she does not understand why such an amazing and unpleasant change in communication occurred. After all, everything was so wonderful! The woman-victim responds to the saddening behavior with a portion of strong emotions. She tries to regain her previous attitude towards herself, hoping that her activity, desire to understand a man will bring the desired result. Believing that love can be earned. And for a while it succeeds. But then the sadist's inner hunger begins to demand new emotions, new suffering.

And the cycle repeats again. Nothing new happens in the relationship. The tormentor still rejects the victim, and she throws resources into his spiritual emptiness. The woman does not understand what is happening, she is trying to find the reason in herself. But the truth is that the behavior of a sadistic man does not depend in any way on the behavior of a woman. It is connected especially with its internal processes. This is the only way he can feel love. For him, strong feelings are fused with suffering. He will constantly swing the woman like a pendulum. First by inflating her feelings and desires, and then receiving inexpressible pleasure from the castration of these desires. He wants and will try to control the victim.

Rejecting her in dosage, the tormentor does not want to end the relationship at all. A vampire cannot live without human blood. So the sadist needs donors. He methodically collects such women and uses them from time to time during his life. For example, some of my clients have maintained relationships with their victims for decades. Keeping them on a sticky web, keeping their distance and feeding their emotions. It is especially pleasant for such men to show attention to their own person. With little or no initiative in communication, they encourage the victim's activity. And this is understandable. After all, spending our resources, we are depleted faster.

In bed with the executioner

The spectrum of sadistic manifestations is wide. From classic BDSM to its "light" elements in the form of sexual games. For example, if a loving man makes love to a woman, then a sadistic man copulates with her. If a loving man calls a woman by affectionate names, but a sadistic man asks to use and uses profanity himself, rudely naming both the partner itself and the process, as well as her and his genitals.

If a loving man prefers to cum in the vagina, then a sadistic man likes to cum on a woman's face, smearing sperm on her cheeks. If a loving man most often prefers vaginal sex, then a sadist is a big lover of anal sex, without preparing a woman's body for it: without lubrication, more painful, for the entire length of the penis, etc.

Another curious feature of the sadist is that he prefers virtual sex (this is especially typical for narcissists). This can be a correspondence with a detailed description of your fantasies, with a request to send a nude photo. The victim in love takes this behavior for a genuine interest in herself and expects to meet with real sex. But here she will be disappointed. After all, real sex is a waste of resources, and the sadist does not have his own emotions. Therefore, for him, sex is hard physical work. While masturbation is the very thing - you don't need to spend time on someone else, and you only spend energy on yourself. Moreover, it is not necessary to take into account the needs of the partner, because in sex one way or another it will be needed. By the way, such men like to prolong masturbation: anything can be an erotic stimulus - from porn to “live” photos or memories. In this case, the object is not so important. Because a sadistic man does not see a person in a woman, he is only interested in her as a supplier of resources.

The roots of saddling behavior go deep into childhood. Typically, it is childhood trauma - rejection by one or both parents. Of course, there is a projection of the destructive relationship with the mother on the relationship with all women. Strong negative emotions - hatred, resentment, anger - a man unconsciously wins back with his partners

If a man is married, then his wife is matched for complementary psychopathology. He, as they say, crushes her under him, finding in her an accepting mother-victim. These marriages are built on emotional dependence. But since the wife's resources are not enough for the sadist, the husband practices promiscuity. And on the side he plays out for real, "draconit" women, enjoying his illusory power. His mother-wife knows about his adventures and is patiently silent, because he always returns to her. It is convenient to have such a wife: she will not ask for much.

Recognize and drive away

How to identify a sadist at the beginning of a relationship? Indirect signs can be: arrogance, isolation, coldness in the manifestation of emotions, contemptuous, exploitative attitude towards their "former". A constant emphasis on their complex character, their uniqueness, a complex attitude towards the world and other people, on the fact that all women accepted it to the detriment of their interests, and so on.

It is possible to cure a sadist, but effective therapy lasts for years. The main obstacle is the lack of motivation for treatment. Harmonizing relationships and adjusting to the sadist will also fail. We are talking about nuclear psychopathy, when a man's personality is completely subordinated to his need to cause suffering. There is only one effective way - to completely block it, exclude it from your life.