Stepfather: Good, Bad, Evil - Society

Fortunately, now the expression "thank you for taking the child with you" is a thing of the past. More and more men are not only ready to marry women who have children from previous marriages, but also really want to become good children for these … who? In our speech, the word "stepfather" does not have a very good connotation, as if it is an "unfather", some kind of surrogate. So men try to become by all means good fathers to their "new" children. And they believe that the less they take into account the fact that they are not their own dads, the better they will succeed

There is no former father

But it's not that simple. Especially when the child is no longer a slider and remembers his father, and even communicates with him. Naturally, the daddy will resist attempts to oust him from the baby's heart. Even if the spouses broke up peacefully and he is a smart and good person, jealousy will still be, and subconscious rivalry too.

And if the divorce was "enchanting", all the "forbidden techniques" will be used, and, alas, they will not reckon with the interests of the baby. It can be slanderousness about the mother and her new husband, bribery, scandals and other ugly things. And there will be no winners in this fight. The baby's psyche will be greatly affected.

What to do? Agree

If necessary - long and regularly. If the dad is unable to speak, talk to the baby. Explain to him that dad loves him very much and is jealous. This is not very correct, but everyone has their own shortcomings, and in many ways the dad is awesome. Teach him to be condescending to his father's weaknesses. And in no case should you oppose, not say "you have a new dad now." Dad is alone. And this is a stepfather, a good man who loves you and your mother very much and wants to make you happy.

And the stepfather does not need to rush to "raise a man", "educate in severity" or "pamper the princess." And even more so to demand love. The most important thing at this stage is to just be a friend. Becoming a real, reliable, fun companion is the foundation of your future relationship. And this means feeling sorry for the baby when he complains that he misses his dad, not saying bad things about his father, and admiring dad's gift with the child. Blow on your knees, but be able to stop the whining in time and, smiling, say: "Everyone, get up, let's go on playing."

Organize family events more often, attract his friends (let him be proud of you in front of you), hug his wife and children and say: "How I love my family!" All these "little things" strengthen the child's attitude towards you as a significant adult, form the image of you as a full-fledged family member, a loved one.

Become a trusted friend

When you establish just such a kindred contact, you will be able to fully educate the child without risk for the relationship, not on the rights of "someone else's uncle". It can be more difficult if your "new" child is in pre-teens or teens. A teenage crisis, mood instability, and age-related nihilism can be superimposed here.

Patience, patience and patience again. If the child does not show deviant behavior, then your task is still to become a friend. Well, at least a good friend. Try to remember your teenage difficulties, how you overcame them.

Do not forcefully climb into his soul, but sometimes talk about your experience, offer help. Show how much you love his mom and how happy she is with you. Show that, despite his "prickly" and coldness, you also love him very much and will always come to the rescue. Include him in joint activities that could potentially be interesting to him. From fishing to cabinet assembly.

And you can not prohibit playing in FIFA, but play together. Or cooking breakfast for mom together, this will show him that you have something very important in common with him - love for his mom.

Explain to him that mom and dad did not divorce because of you, but you perfectly understand his feelings about this and are ready to sympathize

No matter how the child behaves, no matter what he says, remember: in fact, he is desperate for attention, love, help and acceptance. And giving him all this is the closest way to his heart.

Quarrels and scandals

Of course, all this is enough when you are dealing with an ordinary child who does not cross boundaries. Otherwise, you not only have the right, but also are obliged to defend your personal boundaries and the boundaries of your beloved woman, otherwise the child will face a bitter fate.

Let me explain with an example

I was approached by a couple in which the eldest daughter from his wife's first marriage was in the midst of teenage difficulties. And the divorce, of course, only made the situation worse. The girl began throwing her fists at her mother, screaming like a cut, at the slightest word “against” and generally went into a full-fledged gap.

When her stepfather first tried to intervene in her scandal with her mother, the girl, with the insight typical of adolescents, quickly found the most sore spot and poked sharp little at it: "And who are you to me to indicate?"

- You see, if it was a kid, and even a stranger, I would … Well, in general, anyone who raises a hand on my wife … but then what to do?

- And let's try to separate the person himself and his behavior?

- What is it like?

- Well, here's your girl, what is she?

- Yes, in general, a good girl, smart, you can talk to her about serious things. She studies well. Laughing girl. He loves his brother. Kind. But here's how this … crazy will find her, it's a disaster!

- That is, the girl is good and you love her, right?

- Yes.

- But sometimes she behaves inappropriately? In relation to mom, to you?

- Well yes.

- Is she getting bad?

- Of course not. Although at such moments I'm ready to kill.

- Do you think you have the right not to allow anyone to mistreat you and your beloved woman?

- Of course!

- Can a good person do bad things?

- Yes.

- What is the right thing to do in such a situation?

- To stop him.

- So stop her. Continuing to love and remember that she is a good girl.

The next time the girl threw herself at her mother again, our hero stood between them, grabbed her hands and firmly said: "I won't let you treat our beloved woman like that." And again I heard the phrase "he is nobody and there is no way to call him." As calmly restraining her physical impulses, the man confidently replied: “Yes, I already heard that you think so. And I am very bitter because I love you and I know that you are a good girl. You feel bad and hard right now, that's why you behave like that. But I still won't let you offend mom!"

Of course, after these words, the girl did not hit the ground and did not turn into a white swan, but she never again challenged her stepfather's right to education. And even took it more than before.

Simply because he behaved as a close adult should behave: he expressed unconditional love, showed understanding, but did not allow anything bad to be done. And it is this behavior of adults that gives children a sense of security

In addition, the child needs to build their own personal boundaries. And they are like a fence - they are built in many respects along the fences of the "neighbors". If you do not defend your personal boundaries, then the child will not have guidelines to build his own.

Well, in the most desperate cases, a visit to a competent psychologist will help put everything on the shelves and become a good stepfather, to whom, already gray-haired, the children he has grown will run for wise advice and gratefully lay their heads on their shoulders with the words: “You are good for me, folder ".