Joy Multiplies By Division - Relationships, Society

People by nature tend to live in harmony with themselves and others - the famous psychotherapist, Ph. D., one of the founders of the method of transactional analysis Claude Steiner is sure. What violates this attitude?

People are born Princes and Princesses, and their parents turn them into Frogs

Eric Berne

The famous phrase of the classic of psychiatry Eric Berne "People are born Princes and Princesses, and their parents turn them into Frogs" explains in many ways how in childhood, under the influence of others, we unconsciously form an idea of ourselves.

Research carried out in this context by his student and follower Claude Steiner allowed him to develop the idea that often people's lives are predetermined by their parents, and children's decisions subsequently confirm the scripted destinies. Most people get used to either the dominant or the subordinate position in childhood.

Tragic and commonplace scenarios

The scientist divides scenarios into two categories - tragic and banal. In life, people are more likely to follow banal scenarios than dramatic ones. Those based on less severe parental restrictions. By the way, as he notes, freedom from script is rather an exception to the rule.

A script is a plan from childhood, in which important events in a person's life are recorded

Studying numerous scenarios of life and problems of human relationships, the author assumes that any scenario (a complex set of transactions) can be stopped and the best one can be developed based on the stroking technique. Stroking or human contact are essential resources for the survival of an individual.

A transaction (lat. "Agreement, contract") in psychology is a unit of communication between two people, a completed communication

The theory of "saving strokes"

Moreover, the creator of the scientific school of transactional analysis of addictive behavior puts forward the theory of "economy of stroking" to the fore. Canceling the economy of stroking helps a person step over parental prohibitions and freely establish contacts with others.

What is stroking? This is a specific form of human interaction. It is difficult to disagree with Professor Steiner that the exchange of strokes is one of the most important forms of activity in which a person is involved. Stroking can range from physical touch to a short greeting. And this communication space is vital for any person at any age.

For example, young children are in dire need of physical stroking. And for adults, there are enough rare symbolic strokes: praise or a sign of respect

The most important thing is not to economize on stroking, to generously give people signs of attention. By getting rid of "saving strokes", you can easily establish contacts with people and, as a result, create a favorable life scenario. Yes, that's right - even life-destructive scenarios "without love", "without joy", "without reason" can be replaced with more optimistic ones.

However, “stroking” we can well consider in a broad sense, including here “hug”, “compliment” and “greeting”.

Fuzzies come to the rescue

A special metaphorical role in the scientist's book "Scenarios of People's Life" is played by a charming fairy tale about Fuzzies, understandable to children and adults: “A long time ago … at birth, each person was given a small soft bag for the Fuzzies. Every time he lowered his hand into it, he pulled Warm Fuzzy out. Warm Fuzzies liked everyone, because the person who was given it felt warm and fluffy. Those who were not given Fuzzies dried up and died."

In the form of an allegory, Claude Steiner once again tells us that the goodness of human nature is unchangeable. And Warm Fuzzies are always ready to help us. And not only fabulous.

Everything can be changed

There are some kinds of scenarios worth working on changing. Describing tragic scenarios, Steiner divides them into three groups: “Unhappy people either suffer from depression, which can lead to suicide, or go crazy, or become addicted to one of the drugs. Each of these scenarios is based on specific prohibitions imposed on children by parents."

“Scenario analysis should be aimed at finding a way to exchange the old solution and develop a strategy for changing it. Fortunately, you can figure out your dramatic script, understand where it came from, and get rid of it in the process of group work."

The underlying principle in this difficult case is that everything can and should be changed in order to achieve sincerity, autonomy and love through cooperation

How to build a collaborative relationship?

Two people who want to create a cooperative relationship must accept the following rules:

• no deficit in communication;
• equal rights - partners have equal rights to satisfy their needs and both are equally responsible for cooperation;
• no power games;
• no secrets;
• no salvation game.

The cooperative relationships formed in this way can be extended to children. And in this case, the famous psychotherapist also has certain tips.

10 extraordinary rules for parenting

Claude Steiner invites all parents to master 10 important rules that will help raise their children independent and open to new things.

1. Don't have a baby unless you're sure you can give him an eighteen-year guarantee of care and protection.
2. The main goal of upbringing is to give the child the opportunity to fully manifest their abilities for intimacy, cognition and spontaneity.
3. The capacity for intimacy is suppressed by the economy of stroking. Don't stop your child from expressing love or lack of love.
4. Cognition is suppressed by ignorance. Respect your child's opinion.
5. Never lie to children.
6. Spontaneity is suppressed by the rules of using one's body.
7. Don't save your child and don't haunt him. Give him the opportunity to take care of himself before "helping."
8. Don't teach your child competitive behavior. Television teaches this enough. Better teach him to cooperate.
9. Don't let your children violate your rights.
10. Believe in human nature. Trust in your children. When they grow up, they will reward you with their love.

And perhaps the most important conclusion of Claude Steiner is that at any age you can start living with a blank slate of mutual stroking and cooperation

More: Steiner K. Scenarios of people's lives. SPb: Peter, 2018.