What Do We Owe Our Parents? - Self-development, Society

Paradoxically, we, adults, sometimes absolutely cannot resist the manipulations of our own parents. Successful, with their families, good incomes, we refuse to make independent decisions. Why it happens?

I was brought up like that

Once Alexey signed up for my medical consultation. I recommended rest for him. Just lie down and rest for at least a week. He signed up for my hernia treatment, showed an MRI and doctors' reports. And in his case, it was clear to me that the first thing a person needs is to be at ease. Then there is a chance that the hernia will resolve. Or at least the condition will improve at least slightly. And then you can work on restoring health further.

However, in response to the recommendations, I heard something absolutely incredible: “I can't. This weekend I need to go to my parents' dacha to help dig potatoes! " But what kind of potatoes are there for a person with disabilities? Alexey did not listen to my arguments

He is a successful entrepreneur. He has a fairly good income. Alexey can afford to hire a whole army of assistants who would dig potatoes for his parents at least around the clock. He was aware of all this, but believed that if he did not go himself, the parents would be offended. And this cannot be allowed in any case. Despite his own reluctance and ill health. You can't. "This is how I was brought up."

Beliefs and rules

Unfortunately, there are many such cases in my practice. Women and men, adults, already with their families and having a solid income, cannot resist any wishes of their parents. Even if they don't want to do what is expected of them. Even if this can lead to an exacerbation of their chronic diseases. And it always amazes me.

Every time I am very sad to realize that adult self-sufficient people are guided in these cases by the rules of pre-adolescent children. Because a teenager is the one who rebel, is already rebelling against the rules. He refuses the accepted and comes to his own. Let them go to the "wrong" ones, but to their own conclusions, which he himself will try "by the gut".

If a person agrees with some things that are harmful to himself, coming from his parents, he seems to say: “These rules and beliefs are embedded in me, I'm not going to rethink them and reflect on how they suit me, I will just follow them! "

Actually, this is an illustration of the fact that a person does not understand where he ends and others begin. Can't define its boundaries. And accordingly, it cannot defend them.

Realize your Self

This happens not only when interacting with parents. It's just with parents that our inability to defend our own boundaries is most clearly manifested, because, in fact, our parents teach us this. Or they don't. But in general, the ability to define and defend our boundaries is important in all the relationships that we have. With close and not very close people, with colleagues, with just acquaintances and even strangers.

In order to be able not to succumb to other people's manipulations, as well as to take care of the boundaries of your own and other people, it is important to begin with understanding who I am. What is valuable to me, what is interesting to me, what is important to me, and what does not suit me in any way

This is how we become aware of our own boundaries and it is through this that we learn to protect them. After all, in order to do this, you need to understand where they go.

What do you "need" to feel?

In childhood, each of us was inspired by some beliefs that affect us later throughout our lives. How one should live, what one should be, what one should feel. It sounds absurd - "you need to feel", but this is also a burden for us in childhood.

In psychology, this is called introjects. That is, these are such dogmas, rules that we “swallow without chewing,” not realizing whether they suit us or not

Often these beliefs are harmful to us adults. This is especially true of the generation that grew up in the Soviet era. I call it this: "Trojans are planted in the head." This is, for example, a sense of guilt and shame for some things, which makes it easy to control the child.

The teachers at the school said: "You must (must) be like this (like this), otherwise it’s embarrassing!" Or more specifically: "A girl should not wear short skirts, otherwise she looks like a woman of easy virtue!", "A boy should not cry, otherwise he is not a man!"

Introjects: conscious and unconscious

We are all crammed with introjects like this. This is what is deliberately instilled in children. And there are unconscious introjects that the child himself takes over from close adults. That is, the parents pass them on to him without realizing it.

For example, a mother and daughter are walking down the street, and a dog is meeting them. Mom says: "Do not be afraid, you see, she is on a leash, with the owner, she will not harm you!" But at the same time, the woman freezes and barely breathes, that is, with her whole body she demonstrates that she is afraid of the dog. What is the girl adopting? Of course, my mother's fear, not words.

Children copy the true reactions of their parents, not what the parents tell them. It is no coincidence that there is a phrase: “Do not bring up children. They will still be like you. Educate yourself. "

In general, Alexey, who is unable to refuse to dig potatoes, so as not to offend his parents, and other people with similar problems are all victims of such introjects, both conscious and unconscious. The situation, it would seem, is absurd - if you go to dig, you will make yourself worse, further undermine your health, but it is important to follow the rule, to fulfill the program laid down in childhood.

Guilt traps

We are great at convincing ourselves. If I am accustomed (accustomed) to "plowing" to the seventh sweat, not paying attention to fatigue, then it is very easy for me to convince myself that if I do not do this, my mother will be unhappy. And I'd rather go dig these potatoes than feel even more guilt or shame.

So we fall into a trap: you can't be angry with mom, but anger accumulates inside. As soon as I feel it, I again feel guilty, because you can't be angry with mom. Thus, we not only suppress anger, but also burden ourselves with guilt. The prohibition to be angry with mom is a fairly common occurrence.

If we give up our own feelings and reactions, we betray ourselves. And we live someone else's life. But betrayal of oneself is very expensive as a result

We do what our parents, spouses, parents of spouses, colleagues, management want from us. This is how we carry out the program of "correctness" that is embedded in us. But it is impossible to be right for everyone and at the same time happy and healthy.

"Frozen" alive

These programs contradict each other, they are often simply incompatible. And then we block our real feelings in ourselves, and this invariably affects our body. After all, emotions are primarily manifested bodily. And if we block them, then the body "freezes". This manifests itself at the bodily level: the ribs do not move, the stomach is in a tense state, we raise our shoulders, the lower back becomes as if stony. All of our muscle clamps come from here. And many health troubles begin with them.

The early deaths of men from strokes and heart attacks are all from here. These men are strong, bearing a huge burden of other people's expectations, these Atlanteans, who do not allow themselves to soften, because, as they were convinced in childhood, "men do not cry." As a result, they are suddenly taken away in an ambulance

Or women who are always nice, do not allow themselves to express discontent, always beautiful and in heels, who suddenly find themselves in a panic attack or lose consciousness. Unfortunately, such situations are very typical for our country. Self-betrayal never goes for nothing.

How to "remove Trojans"?

What to do about it? How to "remove Trojans"? Observe yourself. Keeping track of your real feelings is not what you "need to feel," but what you really are. This is what psychotherapy teaches.

Observe - what is happening to me? Analyze it, reflect. This is how we gradually understand who we are. What is good for us and what is bad. What suits us and what doesn't. Moreover, in different situations, the answers may be different, sometimes radically opposite. Our boundaries, if they are healthy, are flexible. There can be no recipes for life, because life presents completely different challenges.

The main thing is to be aware. It is easy to control and manipulate just such people who do not realize how they feel in a given situation, and live automatically

It is very easy for them to find triggers instilled in childhood, to cause shame or guilt when the manipulator needs it. But with people who are aware of themselves and their boundaries, this is much more difficult to do.

Awareness and defense of one's own boundaries can at the initial stage cause aggression from others

It's hard to get through this. But I am not agitating to immediately bristle or attack another as soon as you feel that your boundaries have been violated. You should not sharply refuse to close people in their requests, following only your desires. It is impossible to live in society, focusing only on your own desires and not taking into account the needs of others.

However, it is very important to be honest about all your feelings. At least just notice. And at the same time learn to deal with them. Understand who I am in order to defend my own boundaries.

We'll do without advice

Nobody can tell us how to do it. This is why psychologists do not give advice. Even if this is useful and correct advice, it will still be an introject. It is still someone else's, brought in from the outside.

The healthiest and most correct food, if we did not take it according to our desire, did not chew it, will not be assimilated. And it will eventually become harmful to us. Even if I had unique knowledge that can make all of humanity happy, I still would not be able to make someone else happy with it, just by giving advice. Because a person must assimilate and digest what he is given. It doesn't work otherwise.

Learn to define yourself and your boundaries, your reactions, and then gradually change the uncomfortable moments in the relationship, without destroying them or burning bridges

Read also:

• Driven Horses, or Allow Yourself to Rest. About self-abuse
• Living here and now: myth or reality? How to learn to live today
• The film "The mirror has two faces": self-esteem from childhood