Sexualization And Sex Manipulation - Relations

Many of our actions are dictated by the sexual instinct, one of the most powerful and ancient. It is he who often underlies human behavior, but can be so deeply hidden that it will not be easy to recognize him. And it is very difficult to discern what is sexy and what is not

The mechanism of sublimation helps us to "hide" sexual attraction - a kind of transformation of this powerful energy. And then the libido is channeled into a socially acceptable channel.

Life is like pain

Sexualization (instinctualization) is a defense mechanism that allows you to ascribe an erotic component to negative events in order to make them positive. It is an adaptive function of the body to cope with difficult feelings and circumstances.

For example, a person was physically abused in childhood. This traumatic situation can be erotically colored later: a person will experience pleasure from spanking, grabbing by the hair, etc. Thus, a masochistic component is formed in the personality structure - when pleasure and pain are inseparable.

Power and defenselessness, aggression and dependence, pain and death can be subject to the mechanism of sexualization. All of them are associated with traumatic childhood experiences when the child had to cope with difficult feelings. Subsequently, this is transformed into the pleasure of possession or, conversely, from submission and even humiliation. The person may not be able to enjoy "normal" physical stimuli: stroking, gentle touching, kissing.

Masochism always borders on the risk to integrity and health

In a relationship where pleasure is pain, psychological abuse is also present. To receive pain and strong physical sensations, a partner of the appropriate warehouse is needed - inclined to sadism and aggression. It turns out to be very difficult in practice to "keep in check" these inclinations and apply them only in sexual life.

In my practice, there are similar cases. When the vicious circle is strengthened: for a traumatic person, love means suffering, and he attracts the aggressor into his life. The aggressor seeks to suppress, humiliate, subjugate, and possess. This limits the freedom of the victim.

In relationships, there is more and more control on one pole and anxiety on the other. The tension rises. The suffering of the victim is real, genuine. But getting out of such a relationship is extremely difficult. Originally emerging as a way to adapt, the mechanism of sexualization leads to destructive consequences.

If the child's experience of communicating with parents is traumatized and the attitude “love is when it hurts” persists in the unconscious, this can lead to disturbances in the formation of attachment and close relationships. Such people either start their families quite late, or remain lonely. At the same time, they can have a large number of sexual relations, social circle. But all contacts are superficial. The person does not allow anyone to get too close. For him, proximity means death, destruction. But despite the complexity and depth of the trauma, the need for love is very strong.

Any person preserves in his unconscious memory a wonderful time of merging with his mother.

To break through the prohibition of traumatic experiences, the need for love becomes a need for attention, admiration, and sexual gratification

A person can sincerely believe that, apart from sex without obligation, he does not need anything. But this is self-deception, which covers up the fear of admitting that there is a need - for love and a loved one.

We cannot be self-sufficient even from the point of view of biology: we need to breathe air, consume food and water, and excrete the waste products of our body. Our psyche is structured in the same way: we need to "absorb" something into ourselves and release something into the environment. The theory of Gestalt psychology ideally describes these processes of human exchange with the environment (Perls, "Ego, Hunger and Aggression").

By replacing the need for love with a sexual instinct, a person can satisfy his hunger for a while. However, such a mechanism condemns the traumatic to eternal hunger - until he dares to feel an urgent need for people and love.

Perls called this avoidance of contact with need deflection

Our people

Another example of spoofing is parental hyphenation, or projection. A projection is a defense mechanism in which the inside is transferred to the outside. When we meet different people who are similar to our loved ones - children, younger brothers and sisters, we can project our inner image of a loved one onto another person. And all accompanying experiences are transferred along with the image. With compassion, a desire to help and care, we strive to play the role of a parent. But this instinct is not always distinguishable by us. We can mistake it for sex drive.

Even interest can be confused with lust. When interacting with people of the same gender, it is easier for us to recognize interest. And with the opposite sex, everything is much more complicated. After all, interest is a kind of energy, nervous excitement, a rise, which is very similar to sexual arousal. Surely everyone will have a case in their memory when it was very interesting with a girlfriend or friend, did not want to part, warm feelings arose. And it was clear that this was friendship, “our” person. And with a person of the opposite sex, most likely, there would be a story of love and passion.

Sex manipulation

This phenomenon is more common in women. For example, if a woman does not know how to express gratitude to a man, she can encourage him with bodily pleasure. When we need something, sex manipulation can come into play. This way you can get attention, care and praise. It fosters self-esteem and a sense of their own need and importance. Or to receive material benefits, while maintaining a sense of self-sufficiency and independence, since there is no direct request.

Manipulation is needed to save from feelings of vulnerability, weakness, need. At the same time, we do not feel obligated and owed, everything we need comes "illegally". A marker of manipulation in a relationship is tension and discomfort.

How to get out?

The way out of any manipulation is direct contact. Direct messages, requests. For this, it is important to learn to recognize your needs and desires, to be able to formulate a request. At the same time, be able to accept the refusal, the limitations of another person, not to impose on another your need.

The next step is gratitude. It is necessary not only to express it, but also to feel it. Accepting your limitations and weaknesses, be grateful to the other for what he can give. And then there will be joy and pleasure in the relationship.

Perls depicted the contact cycle as a hyperbole. Contact is an exchange. It is possible provided that all stages are observed - from a request to gratitude

To recognize protection through sexualization, it is necessary to increase the level of awareness, to recognize yourself and your real needs, to be able to listen and be sensitive to your inner voice.