Perfectionism Or Development? - Self-development

“There is no limit to perfection” - and the perfectionist knows this from his own experience. Perfectionism is a constant pursuit of unattainable perfection, leading to dissatisfaction with what we have and to disappointment in ourselves. And it should not be confused with a healthy desire for development and self-improvement. These are, as the hero of Isaac Babel said, “two big differences or four small ones”

Feats every day

Perfectionism is formed in childhood, if love for the child was not unconditional, given just like that. He had to deserve love and seek. In such families, the child is brought up mainly through criticism and comments, they are afraid to spoil and, as a result, they form low self-esteem.

As people around us treated us in childhood, so we ourselves treat ourselves in adulthood. Therefore, the perfectionist is always dissatisfied with himself, his life is spoiled by a harmful inner voice: they say, faster, higher, stronger, you can do better, you tried little! To somehow calm him down, the perfectionist constantly performs "feats" and improves himself, but relief comes only for a while.

Best Shoelace Tie

Moreover, if such an internal dynamic exists, it will manifest itself in everything: you need to be perfect in your profession, in your personal life, and even in tying your shoelaces. Constant dissatisfaction with oneself often leads to comparison with others and to unhealthy competition: “Who is there tying their shoelaces? Is it really better than me? Nothing, nothing, we'll see, I'll prove to him who's the best shoelace tie! " A perfectionist is critical of not only himself but also others.

And there is something that he certainly will not forgive another - the ability to be pleased with himself, to be happy with what is. It's like a red rag for a bull. How can someone afford what the perfectionist does not allow? Yes, this is commonplace envy. A defense mechanism turns on: a perfectionist will begin to devalue and criticize such a person with a vengeance.

How does he not seek to improve his English, does he not hesitate to communicate with foreigners? You should have heard his awful accent! Doesn't she dream of losing weight? Look at her fat belly

A perfectionist will never achieve satisfaction, alas, he simply does not know how to be satisfied with himself, be content with little. It's a vicious circle. The problem is that the perfectionist continues to run in this circle, hoping sooner or later to achieve perfection and relax, and this is impracticable. He needs to stop - and learn to love and accept himself. Forgive mistakes, draw conclusions. Set realistic goals.

The engine of progress

A healthy desire for development and self-improvement, unlike perfectionism, does not have a neurotic connotation. This is a natural, nature-friendly mechanism necessary for adaptation. Mismatch is the cornerstone of development.

If we look at the history of the planet, we will see that sharp leaps in evolution took place when habitat conditions changed and we had to adapt to new ones

This is a mismatch between the real and the desired: for example, you want it to be warm, and there is snow around. You need to do something, develop, improve. For example, learn how to sew clothes from skins, tame fire.

As long as a person is satisfied with life, he does not want to change anything. Discomfort has arisen - you want to return to comfort, and this may require a transition to a new stage of development. For example, before, fruits grew in abundance on trees. Now the climate has become less favorable, it is necessary to master gardening and achieve a harvest. Moved to another country - learn a new language. If you want to go to university, prepare hard for exams.

Perfectionism & development

What is the fundamental difference between perfectionism and the desire for development? How to distinguish one from the other?

• 1. Perfectionism is unsaturated, it is impossible to stop it, it is climbing an endless ladder. But a healthy desire for development can be compared to climbing to a new floor - you can stop there and decide whether you will go further or not, and if yes, then why and how high.
• 2. An important criterion is maintaining contact with reality. The desire for development and improvement is due to objective necessity, perfectionism distorts reality or is completely far from it. For example, there are criteria for optimal weight that take into account height, age and other significant factors. Striving to be in weight is associated with health; both obesity and lack of weight are dangerous. But the desire to acquire a model appearance and meet Hollywood standards without taking into account their objective features is already divorced from reality.
• 3. The price a person is willing to pay to make his dream come true. The healthy pursuit of improvement comes with a real cost, necessary non-destructive difficulties. But perfectionism makes you want the result at any cost. For example, there are healthy ways to lose weight: proper nutrition and physical activity. And the unhealthy ones: for example, the singer Maria Callas was specially infected with intestinal parasites in order to lose weight.
• 4. Healthy improvement allows you to be content with results. But the perfectionist is always unhappy: it could have been better!
• 5. When a person develops and improves, he does it for himself. But a perfectionist at heart (or even consciously) is trying to prove something to someone.

7 ways to get rid of perfectionism

If you find yourself prone to perfectionism, don't be in a hurry to get upset. Gradually, you can move from perfectionism to healthy self-development. True, you have to work hard … How?

• 1. Learn to praise and approve of yourself.
• 2. Receive approval, support and praise from others. And even ask actively.
• 3. Stop in time to work on yourself. Ask yourself: isn't it enough already?
• 4. Set yourself specific tasks with clear performance criteria. For example, not just "improve your French", but "prepare for an exam at such and such a level", "watch films without subtitles."
• 5. Give yourself the right to make mistakes. It's okay to be wrong, it's part of life. The main thing is to learn from mistakes.
• 6. Distinguish between action and personality. If you are wrong, it does not mean that you are a bad, wrong, unworthy person.
• 7. Develop tolerance for others, forgive them shortcomings and imperfections.

All these simple ways will help not only to say goodbye to perfectionism for a long time, but also to plunge into a new reality, where there is room not only for achievements, but also for pauses, the simple joy of life