Psychologist Or Friend? Part 1. Six Rules And Three Whales Of Friendship - Quality Of Life, Relationships

Part 2

Do you know the situation when deep after midnight a phone call rings and you hear the alarmed voice of a friend: “We need to talk …”? And an avalanche of his everyday, family, work and other problems falls on you. Your brain boils in a desperate search for ways to help someone you care about. Or the situation is so bad that you jump out of bed and rush to save, help out, support … Friendship, as you know, is a round-the-clock concept, and it is very difficult to give up the temptation to call a personal "psychological ambulance"

Six rules for three whales

In the era of universal virtual “frending”, where every second acquaintance on social networks is considered a friend, the very concept of friendship is subject to devaluation. In the early - mid-20th century, ethnographers studied the concept of friendship among different nations. It turned out that in ancient cultures it is most closely associated with an adopted (named) relationship. The friend was a named brother / sister. And this meant taking very serious obligations: to take care and help in all matters, to protect and protect, even to sacrifice life. What about today? Are there any “named relatives” around you who are willing to make serious sacrifices to help you?

Famous British psychologist Michael Argyll studied friendship in its modern form. He was looking for an answer to the question why we need friendship, what we hope to get from it. It turned out that friendship rests on "three pillars":

1. Emotional acceptance and support

A friend is a person who "suits" us emotionally, who evokes in us mostly positive emotions. We accept him as he is, without trying to fix or change, and this situation suits both sides of friendly relations. Moreover, this emotional connection is quite stable and predictable: for example, I know for sure which of my friends can be called at two o'clock in the morning with their problems, and who cannot (they will kindly send them away and offer to call back at a more appropriate time).

2. Common interests

Friendship doesn't exist in a vacuum. For it to take place and survive for many years, some kind of joint activity is needed. And within the framework of this activity - common goals and objectives, similar values, regular cooperation and communication. Common interests can be related to any hobbies or work. It is not by chance that we find most of our friends among classmates, neighbors or colleagues.

3. A kind of "exchange of services"

Friendship involves volunteering when we use our knowledge, skills, and other resources to help a friend solve their problems or to help them achieve their goals. In turn, I hope for a reciprocal help from a friend based on his “specialization”. For example, I know how to cure his computer from viruses, and he can help me with a car repair.

Argyll also tried to formulate "rules of friendship." Namely, to identify the conditions that must be observed if we want friendly relations to be preserved. Argyll started with 43 "rules of friendship", but after numerous scientific checks and double-checks, the most significant were only six:

• 1) share news about their own successes;
• 2) provide emotional support;
• 3) volunteer to help in case of need;
• 4) try to make your friend pleasant in your company;
• 5) trust in relation to a friend and confidence that a friend will not blabber;
• 6) protect a friend in his absence.

Fair exchange of emotions

Now look carefully at the listed three foundations of friendship and six rules of friendship and answer the question: "Can friendly support replace professional psychological help?"

At first glance, it seems that yes, it can. Trust in communication, the desire to protect and help in any situations, emotional acceptance and support - why not psychological help? But not everything is so simple … Take a closer look and, as they say, "find ten differences."

You have a close personal relationship with a friend, and a professional one with a psychologist. Personal relationships are valuable in themselves, therefore there are always “figures of silence” (questions and topics that are better not to touch upon in communication). For example, a friend will never tell you a bitter truth that could offend you and could pose a threat to your relationship. The task of the psychologist, on the contrary, is to make the situation as transparent as possible, to clarify and analyze all the information so that no "figures of silence" remain.

Emotional acceptance also has a downside. Friendships are based on a specific emotional pattern in which the participants in the relationship play a clearly limited role, and in which they will reinforce each other's roles. Simply put, if in the eyes of your friend you have a reputation as an "ideal family man", then in the event of your complaints about family conflicts, he, without hesitation, will agree with you that you are ideal, and the opposite side is to blame for everything.

Such blind devotion may calm you down for a short time, but it will in no way help resolve the conflict. To really eliminate the problem, you need to find wisdom and strength in yourself, abandon the image of the "ideal family man" and take on your share of responsibility. A professional psychologist will adhere to just such a constructive position, and not “sing along” to you, in fact, aggravating the conflict.

There are no guarantees that even the most faithful friend will not give your heart's secrets to someone from your mutual acquaintances. And often it happens by accident, because next to "all our own". Professional ethics and work standards of a psychologist guarantee complete confidentiality of your communication.

At the heart of friendship is an "emotional economy" in which a fair exchange of positive emotions must be maintained

What happens if we share with a friend only our difficulties and bad mood? I immediately recall Varvara Nikitichna (the brilliant role of Galina Volchek) from the film "Autumn Marathon", who called at the most inopportune moment and "in a friendly way" asked: "Buzykin, help me out, I'm lost!" Moreover, she asked for help exclusively unilaterally, bringing down on the trouble-free Buzykin the whole weight of her problems and worries.

In friendships, there is always a very high risk of upsetting the emotional balance in your favor

Especially when we are sure that a friend is simply obliged to find out about all our troubles and help us. At the same time, we ourselves do not really like listening to his "whining" and wasting our time and nerves on solving his everyday problems. Still, friendship is based on the exchange of positive emotions, not negative ones.

If an asymmetric exchange begins to prevail in a relationship (“I am your sorrows, and you are my joy”), then this is no longer friendship, but “vampirism”, manipulation and shameless use of a person as a garbage can to drain negative experiences. This "friendship" will not last long. And that is why, in order not to "burden" the people close and dear to you once again, it is better to consult a psychologist.

Part 2