Dealing With A Protesting Teen - Society

Even the most obedient and diligent children go through a state of crisis and become "difficult". At such moments, it seems to parents and teachers that it is almost impossible to find a common language with them. How to come to an agreement with a teenager who is going through a stage of protest - recommendations from the psychologist of the Lomonosov school Irina Trutneva

Psychological and speech competence of adults is largely determined by the ability to build friendly, conflict-free relationships with the child. And if this does not happen, then most often the children are “appointed to blame” who “do not know how to behave correctly”, “do not respect their elders”, “have become uncontrollable”.

But in most cases, there are no separate problems for a child. Rudeness, deceit, unwillingness to learn - this is, in essence, the problem of relations between adults and children. Experiencing confusion when faced with disobedience, protest behavior of a teenager, a loving parent asks himself: “What did I do wrong? What words can be found to be understood? " But we rarely realize that a child is looking for answers to the same questions.

Parent, adult and child: such different roles

The main "key" in communicating with a teenager is psychological comfort

Speaking of psychological comfort, one should recall the theory of the American psychologist Eric Berne "Transactional Analysis". A transaction is an action directed at another person, a unit of communication. Eric Berne identifies three components of a person's personality that determine the nature of communication between people: parental, adult, child.

• The parental state "I" consists of the rules of behavior, norms, allows you to successfully navigate in standard situations, "launches" useful, proven stereotypes of behavior, freeing the mind from the burden of simple, everyday tasks.
• The adult state of "I" perceives and processes the logical component of information, makes decisions deliberately and without emotions, checking their reality. The Adult "I", in contrast to the Parent, promotes adaptation in non-standard situations that require reflection, giving freedom of choice and, at the same time, the need to realize the consequences and make responsible decisions.
• The childish state of "I" follows the principle of feelings. Present behavior is influenced by feelings from childhood. The child's "I" also performs its own, special functions that are not characteristic of the other two components of the personality. It is “responsible” for creativity, originality, relaxation of tension, receiving pleasant, sometimes “sharp” impressions necessary to a certain extent for a normal life. The child's “I” enters the scene when a person does not feel enough strength to solve problems on his own: he is not able to overcome difficulties or resist the pressure of another person.

It is necessary that all three states of "I" are harmoniously represented in the personality.

Is an adult always an "Adult"?

From a psychological point of view, the content of the dialogue between an adult and a teenager can be very diverse in terms of the role positions of partners, the right position of a parent or teacher is of decisive importance.

What can help children to become independent and responsible, willing to communicate and create, study and work, and look at the world kindly and constructively?

Behavior patterns

Each of us has an inner Child, Parent and Adult. As a rule, a person seeks to act in the social role that is more adequate to a specific communication situation. And as the situation changes, he moves from one state to another. But in some people, for various reasons, this ability is poorly developed. In different circumstances, they act according to the same behavioral pattern, that is, they “get stuck on the role,” as psychologists would say.

To avoid getting stuck, we must train and develop spontaneity, creativity, exploratory search, play - as a Child. As a Parent, demonstrate cultural norms and behaviors. As an Adult - think rationally based on your own human and pedagogical experience.

I will be your dad

Self-reliance develops when a person is in the role of an Adult. This means that in the life of a teenager it is necessary to create situations where he could prove himself as an Adult. In this case, it is not at all necessary that the parent is in the same position.

Paradoxically, development occurs under the influence of various role positions, including the position of the Child.

Here you can draw an analogy with the story from the cartoon "The Frog Is Looking for Daddy". There the main character - a little frog - did not have a dad. And he turned to different animals with one request: "Be my dad." But none of them took this request seriously, and one gave advice: "You are already big, and you need to learn to live independently." And then the frog met an ant, which was sitting and crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" - asked the frog and heard: "I have no dad …" - to which the Frog replied: "Do not cry, I will be your dad."

Learning to negotiate

Adult-to-Adult communication assumes that the participants are clear about which decisions they can make on their own and which they cannot. This clarity is achieved through the implementation of two principles: distributed responsibility and contractual relationships. That is, it is necessary to agree on important things with the child “on the shore”.

For example, a poster-contract can be drawn up with the provisions that are adopted at the "family council" to maintain order in the house. The whole family discusses these provisions and then signs the contract (right on the poster). Subsequently, the parent can only silently point to the terms of the contract in order to remind the violators of this word.

True, conditions are not always accepted immediately, some children need to be given time to think it over (maybe so that the child is convinced that the parent himself complies with these obligations). The agreement sets a certain framework: there are rules that cannot be violated, and everything else is allowed. And this is a fundamental point, because in order to be an Adult, a person must feel freedom, the ability to choose from various options for behavior.

Draw the action field

To provide adolescents with more opportunities for independent action, awareness of responsibility for their choice, you can use the "Method of linguistic fields".

Let's say a family has to choose a school for a new place of residence. Everyone gathers over a piece of Whatman paper on which the word "school" is written, and begins to offer questions to be answered when choosing: "location", "profile", "exams for admission", "route from home to school", " when to visit the school for acquaintance "…

The teenager writes down all the sentences on a sheet, the result is a picture with many branches. The degree of responsibility of each family member for clarifying this or that issue is also discussed. Having completed their tasks, everyone supplements the “field of action” with notes, drawings and receives a clear unified decision-making algorithm.

Keeping the Inner Child

While expanding the space of a teenager's independence, it is important not to deprive him of invaluable spiritual experience, which is gained only through feelings. To be open to this experience, the child needs to be in the state of the Child. Indeed, it is in this state that we directly experience the events taking place, accumulating that "baggage" of life impressions, on which the Adult can then rely.

And one more thing: any act of cognition is always going beyond the boundaries of already existing experience. It requires curiosity, creativity, pleasure from contact with the new, unknown, that is, the qualities inherent in the Child.

So, building relationships based on mutual understanding and respect, you can come to an agreement even with the most protesting teenager