Table of contents:
- So, it happened: you crossed the threshold of his / her apartment with suitcases at the ready. The dream has come true - you began to live with your loved one. And it would seem that this is happiness, but not everything is so simple
- Redistribution of territory
- Hear a partner
Video: 11 Questions To Discuss Before Starting A Life Together - Relations
So, it happened: you crossed the threshold of his / her apartment with suitcases at the ready. The dream has come true - you began to live with your loved one. And it would seem that this is happiness, but not everything is so simple
The unforgettable time of first meetings and long-awaited dates passes unnoticed. When you decide to live together, everyday affairs and worries gradually interfere with the euphoria of living together, which you used to do easily and without hesitation, but now you have to share with your partner.
All marriages are successful. Difficulties appear only when a life together begins
Françoise Sagan
The man brings flowers less and less, the girl spends less time in front of the mirror, waiting for her beloved. It seems that everything interesting has already been exhausted, but is it really so?
At this stage of the relationship, it is important for both to work hard so that this stage becomes not a denouement, but the foundation of a strong and lasting union. When partners begin to live together, the ideal images that developed during the dating period disintegrate.
At the initial stage, difficulties are inevitable, it is important to survive the lapping. After all, before you were not always together and you might not notice a lot. For example, any of each other's habits, she does not cook as well as his mother, he does not fold his things the way.
Redistribution of territory
At the beginning of life together, the personal boundaries of each partner change. There is an introduction into the personal space of another, a redistribution of territory and emotional space. To adapt to life together does not drag out and go faster, partners should reconsider their "premarital" habits and, possibly, sacrifice part of them for the sake of a common future.
This is difficult, because many of our habits and lifestyle in general were formed in childhood in the family of our parents and were focused on ourselves, on our needs. As one of the heroines of the film "Girls" said, "I want halva, I want gingerbread." And then suddenly the beloved is allergic to halva or gingerbread. Or he can't imagine Saturday night without his favorite movies, and you want to discuss the latest episode of the popular TV series with your girlfriend.
Previously, your lifestyle was different, and so that there is no abrupt transition from "before" to "after", sometimes let your soul mate be alone with your thoughts and what you love. It must be remembered that each person is an individual. And since you are together now, then there are reasons for this.
What to take care of in advance so that the first difficulties of living together do not ruin your relationship?
1. Money issue
Few people can talk openly about money with a loved one. Previously, this issue was a priori decided by a man, but now you have a common budget and you need to discuss in advance how you will replenish and use it.
2. Daily routine
If it suddenly turns out that you are an owl, and your partner is an early bird, find the period of the day that suits both. In the morning, a lark can get up early and please his beloved owl with breakfast, and an owl can prepare a freshly ironed shirt in the evening.
3. Different temperaments
There are no people with the same temperament - just as there are practically no pure psychological types. In each person, several types are mixed, and much depends on the dominant one. Accordingly, there is a high probability of a mismatch of temperaments in a couple.
However, the difference may be significant, but with all the contradictions of such a union, a couple is able not only to get along calmly, but also to open new facets of the worldview to each other.
Thanks to your partner's pedantry, which can be annoying, you won't leave home without keys or miss your plane. On the other hand, a disorganized and cheerful partner can cheer you up when everything seems gray and dull. If you highlight the main thing, the union of opposites will be harmonious and bright.
4. Joint rest
It is necessary to immediately determine what each of the couple invests in this concept. If preferences differ dramatically, learn to find compromises. Since a joint pastime is, first of all, common emotions, experiences, impressions, which subsequently turn into joint memories and traditions.
5. Life
Remember the famous expression "Love boat crashed against everyday life"? Previously, you did not have a question about who will wash the dishes, who will cook, do the cleaning, feed the fish, or walk with your pet. You have not been seen since the morning, when the alarm went off and a little chaos began in the apartment, and there is no time for makeup and outfits.
Of course, modern girls no longer sleep in curlers with cucumber slices on their faces, there are other procedures for this, but, you must admit, it is difficult to keep yourself at home hourly "in full dress" - but what about the feeling of relaxation and comfort for body and soul in your home nest? But at the same time, both in a pair should remember that your appearance will always matter for a partner and it is better not to neglect him, but to remain attractive.
6. Personal space
Many conflicts arise when partners do not have their own corner, their own space, where they can retire or lay out their things, in the end. When your underwear is mixed with his T-shirts, the same mess can begin in a relationship.
7. Intimate relationships
They need constant updating and supplementation. Yes, at first, intimacy will happen more often, but the most delicious dish becomes boring if it is served often and monotonously. In order to diversify your relationship, there are tons of techniques, and, of course, your imagination.
You can complete massage courses, this will help you better explore your partner's body, and massage oils and incense will create a romantic atmosphere. Extreme lovers can try out unusual places and experiment. In general, the choice is limited only by your desires.
8. Ownership
Obligation usually appears in newly married couples. The new status becomes a catalyst for conflicts: "you are a wife, you must …", "you are a husband, you must …". Moreover, each family has its own lists of rights and obligations, there are no right and wrong.
It remains only to rely on patience and understanding in pairs. Do not use the word "must", so not so popular. Instead of saying: “You should give me flowers / take out the trash / nail a shelf”, say: “I would like to…”, “I would be very pleased if you…”.
Use instead of “you-statements” (“you are so-and-so, you annoy me …”) “I-statements” (“I feel irritated and resentful when you do this, I hate…”). Thus, you do not blame your loved one, but talk about your feelings, take responsibility for your words.
9. Friends and guests
Now they are not "yours" and "mine", but "ours." Each of you had your own social circle, your friends and girlfriends. Of course, I do not want to lose the opportunity to continue to communicate, meet with them. But there is not always time for communication, since family matters take time and effort.
It's good if you have a common circle of friends in which you are equally comfortable. Throw family parties, invite guests, visit yourself. But of course, you shouldn't forget about your best friends and girlfriends, who, if not them, will allow you to escape from family problems, to give you the opportunity to look at the situation from the outside.
However, there may be a reverse situation when you cannot live a day without your best friend, she is at your house day and night. It is not surprising that sooner or later your beloved will want to be alone with you in his house, and not with the daily crowd of guests and relatives. And this can become a reason for conflict, because constant communication with people around you, as it were, pushes your partner out of your life. Therefore, discuss in advance the visits of guests that are comfortable for both.
10. Freedom
Freedom - more precisely, the illusion of its loss. Yes, you now know more about where your partner is now, that he spends the evening not at home with an educational book, as he could tell you before, but sat with friends in a bar, or a museum, depending on his preferences.
But the feeling of freedom is a relative concept, you are not held by force, threats or blackmail. You voluntarily decided to be together, which means that you are ready to trust your partner and, above all, yourself that you will not use freedom to harm.
11. Secrets
Over the course of a long life, everyone may have their own secrets, albeit not the most terrible ones, but it will be unpleasant for you if they are revealed. But living together can be difficult to hide from a loved one. A negative reaction can not be as terrible as lying and silence, it can aggravate mistrust and suspicion. This is well said in one of the songs of the Chaif group: “Why do you need to know whom he loved, why do you need to know what he is silent about”.
Learn to trust each other, let your partner understand that you are ready to share common problems (that now his problem is yours too), common failures and secrets. First of all, you are the closest people to each other, loyal friends who will not reproach for mistakes of the past.
Hear a partner
It is important to learn to dialogue, this is one of the ways out when conflicts arise, to hear your partner, then no difference can destroy your relationship. Emotionally filled, trusting and warm relationships show that people, despite everything, want to be together, go through the first joint difficulties in order to develop relationships in the future. Then various everyday troubles and trifles remain just trifles.
One way to avoid these problems of living together is to live in a so-called guest marriage. This is an officially registered marriage in which the spouses live separately and do not run a joint household.
There are many opinions for and against such a marriage. Everyone decides for himself how much it is acceptable. Guest marriage is a way to resolve differences in everyday life and smooth out inconsistencies in habits and characters. But such a marriage will not help you better understand each other and feel the emotional fulfillment and affection in the relationship.
