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Video: 5 Models Of Relationships In A Couple - Relationship, Sex
Partnership is something that many dream of, but almost no one has seen, says family psychologist, psychoanalyst Irina Kamaeva. Let's figure out what a partnership is, what skills you need to have, what ways to know in order to be in these relationships. And is it worth striving for?
We offer to consider various models of partnerships. So, let's take a very simple "from and to" continuum. On this continuum, on the one hand, let us place the attitude towards a marriage or business partner as a means. And at the opposite end, respectively, is the attitude towards the partner as a value. Let us consider all types of alliances sequentially: domination, manipulation, rivalry, partnership, and commonwealth.
In this union, the attitude towards the partner as a subject prevails. Such a relationship is based on the dominance of one of the couple.
Dominance is the attitude to a partner as a thing, a part of oneself, something that does not have independent thinking, its own feelings, its goals and achievements
Unfortunately, a huge number of parents treat their children this way. Exactly as a part of oneself, that “piece” that will realize their goals, tasks, expectations, fantasies. It's the same in marriage.
In such unions, it is often found:
- domestic violence,
- psychological abuse,
The desire to possess, to dispose of, to decide for …, to receive unlimited power, to control is completely typical for partners.
Dominant people are absolutely stereotyped about marriage. You can often hear phrases from them: "A man is a man, and a woman is nobody", "eggs do not teach a chicken", "children have no right to …" and so on. Everything stereotypical is appropriate here: a woman should bake pies, greet her husband with a smile, dress up the children for his arrival. And imposition, suggestion, domination, punishment without any encouragement up to the use of rough coercion in such families is a common story.
The second format of the relationship in a pair is associated with manipulation. At the same time, the attitude towards the partner remains the same, but hides behind a mask. If during domination the influence is open, then during manipulation it is hidden. One of the partners does not take into account the interests of the other, but if during domination he directly demonstrates this, then when manipulating he conceals his true intentions.
When the psychologist has to tell the client that the partner is dominant, but hides it, then the person cannot believe it. Manipulations can be quite deliberate and sophisticated. It uses more complex moves, communication techniques, negotiation options than with domination. But in both the first and second options, a person wants only one thing - to achieve his goals, to take into account only his interests.
The favorite, adored format of relationships in marriages (and almost never realized) is rivalry. It can manifest itself in anything: in the struggle for power, for who controls and manipulates better, who is more valuable, who needs whom more.
The main game of this not very loose relationship is competition
The partner's interests are taken into account only in the format or to the extent that the other needs. For example, “I will take into account your interests, but only as long as they do not swoop down on mine. If they swoop in, we will fight, and if they do not contradict each other, we live peacefully and coexist well."
The question is that in the mass of spheres and in the mass of daily moments the interests of partners may not coincide. Each of the fragments can be discussed separately for hours to figure out what it is. With rivalry, there are also many subtle manipulations, there are also rough ones, but most importantly, there is constant competition between partners.
All of these dysfunctional relationships are quite strong and stable. Perhaps this stability is not needed, but it is.
What we all want to know about is partnerships. The very ones who are always asked: what is it? The main features of partnerships: both partners are equal, each has its own interests, goals and objectives. Moreover, they can be different or the same. There is a desire to always negotiate and renegotiate.
It is important to practice individual skills to build partnerships. You need to devote time to this, because this is a negotiated, factual relationship. When discussing each new task in marriage, the family needs to be able to negotiate, clarify their own interests, the interests of the partner and your common interests, understand where they differ, and, taking all this into account, build relationships.
Partnership is a good format for relationships. What's so hard about that? The fact that we have a minimum of negotiation skills, and even less negotiation skills in the family. Even if you have negotiation skills outside the family, you almost never use them in relationships.
Because it is customary to think that when we love each other, we must, without negotiating, understand each other's feelings
It is not accepted in our families, in our culture, to negotiate in marriages. Even when you explain the rules of agreements to a person, he will immediately ask: "What about love?" For us, for some reason, agreement is opposed to love.
The main ways of interaction in partnership are negotiations, finding common points of contact and changing agreements as needed.
An ideal and complex, but, nevertheless, the best format of relations is called a commonwealth. The commonwealth is higher and more complex than partnership. There is an interesting point in it. Commonwealth marriages are early marriages, youth marriages, I call them child marriages. When you get married at the age of 18–20, you are students, you can be poor, happy, in love. You have quite a few resources, but the sooner you will join the fellowship. The value of each other at this time is isolated from all everyday, material and any vital problems, but as soon as they come, the community collapses.
Late marriages or not first marriages are characterized by the fact that we never enter into a community. We are those people who have experience behind their backs, including negative agreements and over-agreements and marriages. There are accumulated resources, many life goals and material things. It is ideal in such marriages to come to a fellowship someday.
Commonwealth is an attitude towards the other as a value in itself, a free individual and the desire not to agree, but to coexist, choosing common tasks in life
The commonwealth includes adult, reasonable, rational, mature relationships. Partners come to them, being able to negotiate, and then gradually (in life it does not happen right off the bat, only for young, poor, hungry lovers) they designate joint goals, tasks and experiences, then joint friends appear. Close or coinciding goals, built gradually in life, understanding each other, agreeing with each other (since we have common goals, we agree not on the little things, but on the most important things) - this is the basis of the community.