How Stereotypes Affect The Relationship In A Couple? - Relationship, Sex

It is impossible to imagine our life without stereotypes - simplified common ideas. Stereotypes save our efforts, time, energy, eliminating the need to study all things in detail. This is a plus. But there is also a minus: blind adherence to templates leads to problems, because a stereotype may in no way correlate with a unique person, with a unique life situation

Love is not "sighing on the bench", but playing by the rules

Stereotypes are everywhere, and, of course, in the sphere of man-woman relations.

The study of Williams and Best (Williams, JE, Best, DL, 1990) confirmed what we already intuitively know: courage, independence, strength, the desire for power and domination are attributed to men, and tenderness, dependence, dreaminess, emotionality are attributed to women. humility and weakness. This is what gender stereotypes are, we created them, and we believe them.

How do they affect the relationship in a couple? Starting from the stage of acquaintance, a woman expects that a man will take the initiative, take the first step, and subsequently he will also initiate rapprochement.

Gender roles and stereotypes have not been canceled, which means that a man who takes care of a girl must play according to the rules, according to the laws of the genre.

The candy-bouquet period is not an anachronism, but a necessary stage in a romantic relationship, and in couples who "slipped through" it, discontent and conflicts often arise subsequently.

The courtship period is just a saying, the tale unfolds further

If after sex the relationship continues, then the man and woman are now a couple. Consequently, new stereotypes come into play. "You are my man, so I want from you …" - but what exactly depends on the lady's convictions. For example, more attention, more communication, more care and, of course, loyalty.

A colossal number of examples of what a love relationship "should be" piles on us from gloss, TV series, movies, videos on YouTube. We simply cannot ignore this shaft and borrow something, try to imitate something, orient ourselves towards something.

The plus is that it is impossible to constantly reinvent the wheel and we need models / samples. But there is also a downside: your partner, unfortunately or fortunately, is not the same movie character with whom Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) or Bridget Jones have an affair.

Therefore, trying to format a man to fit a stereotype, as well as comparing your relationship with stereotypes, is a recipe for frustration

Are you married? Meet new stereotypes

Let's optimistically suppose that you didn't hit any riffs and Mendelssohn's waltz sounded for you. What's happening now? A time is coming for new stereotypes, and the most severe ones. If at the stage of romantic love each other is allowed a lot and a lot is forgiven, then with the appearance of official status, another "cinema" begins.

Many stereotypes “live” in the marital relationship. The prevailing ideas are about everything:

• sex,
• money,
• time together
• housework,
• communication with relatives,
• parenting,
• holidays,
• vacation.

Problems arise, of course, when the ideas of the husband and wife do not coincide, especially when they are incompatible.

Let's watch a scene from a family psychologist's office.

- You must provide for me, since you are my husband! - on her face a mixture of resentment and indignation.

- Why should I? - surprise and dislike on his face.

- Who should? Someone else's uncle? - sincere indignation in his voice. How so: the rules are violated, disgrace!

This couple came for a consultation, like most, already on the verge of divorce. From love to hate - only six months.

- Why has everything changed so much? The husband asks. - After all, before the wedding, we lived together for two months, and it was good.

And the chest opens simply. While he was a “beloved man,” some expectations were presented to him, and when his status became “my husband”, other expectations, beliefs, and attitudes of his “half” took effect.

Now, from her point of view, he must provide her financially, and in general he now owes a lot of things, since he is “my husband”. In addition, she believes that she has certain rights to him, to his personal space.

With a 99% probability, this pair will break up. If a "girl" (who is over 40) thinks about the validity of her attitudes about what her husband "owes" her, then she still has a chance to stay in the next marriage longer than in this one.

This story is typical in the sense that special requirements and expectations are placed on the marriage partner. Nobody, as a rule, discusses them “on the shore”. At the romantic stage of a relationship, everything is so fine that either you do not want to raise problematic issues, or there are no grounds, or “I believe in the best”.

Children's question

When a couple has a child, the turn of new stereotypes begins - about the role of dad and mom, about raising children. The main source where they come from is, of course, the parental family. If it was good there, then the attitude towards children is copied; if it was bad there, then we act "by contradiction." Problems, as you might guess, arise when the husband and wife have completely different models in the source code.

Real battles unfolded in one couple, whom I consulted, where my husband insisted on applying systems of early intellectual development to children - learning to read, write, and count.

The wife, who was involved in raising children 90% of the time, played with them in "ordinary" children's games, taught them to draw, sculpt from plasticine. Everyone's conviction that they were right was a direct consequence of their own childhood experiences. Fortunately, this story, unlike the previous one, ended well.

Recognizing stereotypes and evaluating them critically is perhaps the best thing to recommend. Analyze stereotypes before you "try" them on your relationship with your loved one