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Video: 5 Ways To Restore Your Trust - Self-development
The trust. This word has an impressive weight: it feels like a mantle of rules, beliefs and premises is spreading behind it. We look for a relationship of trust in which we will be safe, but we often find ourselves trapped in our own expectations: we demand from others that they become worthy of our trust. There is something deceiving about such a position, isn't there?
First of all, let's define what this is about. There are situations of objective danger, threats to life and health. In this case, it is obvious that you should not dive into reflection and self-knowledge. Instead, it's time to rely on intuition and innate defense mechanisms - at least on fight or flight.
But now we're going to talk about trust and security as the basis for building healthy relationships. We will consider those situations in which we actually have a choice of how to behave in order not to be led by illusory obligations and fear of responsibility.
What does responsibility have to do with it, you ask? Think: when we are in danger, we do not think that this is our subjective idea and a consciously chosen position. Instead, we begin to attribute to another object, person, or situation those qualities that we assess as dangerous
It's the same with trust. When we cannot trust, we think that the point is in another person: it is he (she) unreliable (unreliable). And I seem to have nothing to do with it. But in fact, in such a situation, each of us has a choice of how to build relationships, if only we allow ourselves to look at the situation with new eyes.
Some people have a hard time showing trust. They spend each new acquaintance through a series of tests and checks in order to finally take off their protective armor and show their true colors. If someone gives an objective reason to doubt their reliability, such people will instantly lose the remnants of trust, and it will be very difficult to restore it. This can lead to coldness, superficial communication, or a complete breakdown.
Sometimes such people are lucky and at the other end in this situation is a person who is sincerely interested in maintaining contact. This enthusiast can make an effort to figure out what exactly happened, how it affected both parties in the situation, and what can be done to fix the broken cup of trust and move on. It takes courage - and reciprocal trust.
But it is important to understand: in addition to people who are always on the lookout, there really are open natures who are not afraid to demonstrate their vulnerability and are ready to rely on the good that they see in others.
It seems that the behavior of people in the situation of building relationships or their restoration reflects in some sense their attitude to life. And then it's not just a specific reaction to a conflict or a new acquaintance. Living from a position of trust does not at all guarantee that nothing bad or painful will ever happen to us. And yet, some people deliberately choose to look at everything that happens from this bell tower. This naturally implies a willingness to take risks and get scalded from time to time.
But if you listen to yourself right now, what will you choose: sometimes feel the pain of parting or live your life in constant fear and suspicion that make you withdraw from communication or double-check everything and everyone around in an attempt to protect yourself?
Our culture, like human nature in general, is based on the desire to reduce possible risks
This behavior is understandably protective, but a side effect of this avoidance of danger has become chronic distrust and sometimes hostility in relationships.
But what if you look at it differently? If you invest resources and effort in building trust, this will be the most effective risk mitigation strategy for you. After all, the person who feels your trust, respect, and care is the least likely to want to bite the hand that feeds him.
The paradox is that we often think out for others what is going on in their heads. As if if we don't trust someone, then that someone doesn't trust us either. Or even we do not trust him or her, because we know almost for sure that this one is definitely planning something bad. In cognitive-behavioral therapy, this "mind reading" is considered a thinking error. How can one get rid of these conventions and suspicions? The answer is simple: if you want to be wiser and have more trust, you need to give others a reason to trust you too.
Why do we all lie in one way or another? Because we are afraid of the consequences of the truth expressed and heard
It can cost us a career, it can hurt and offend - affect the entire further course of the relationship. Therefore, I want to hide the truth to the last, and this gives rise to mistrust. But what if you make sure that there are no negative consequences? If you want to be honest with you, it's important to set the stage and create a safe environment for the other person to communicate with you.
Every time we punish (even in a figurative sense of the word) someone for their sincerity, we increase the chances that we will not hear more truth in our address. But if we make ourselves safer for others, we ourselves begin to relate with greater confidence to what may be happening in their souls.
The more situations occur in our life when we find a way to make peace, restore relationships, the stronger our trust in people and the world becomes
It turns out that even at the age of four months, children understand and remember situations of deception and betrayal (and from the point of view of adults, this can be a mere trifle, like leaving a room or a hidden toy).
But if in this situation trust is somehow restored (for example, the adult again shows warmth and care), then such a relationship becomes much stronger than if the child has never encountered reasons for distrust at all. This is quite logical: with each new successful reconciliation, we are less and less worried about the possible loss of trust, because we begin to understand how to restore it. And there is more trust.
This helps to remove rose-colored glasses that make us wander around the world in search of ideal people and ideal relationships without resentment, conflict, lies, betrayal, tears and any kind of discomfort. This craving is understandable, because we all want to protect ourselves from such troubles. But as soon as we experience the joy and satisfaction of our own openness, wisdom, willingness to trust from our own experience, it becomes clear that these ideal relationships are an illusory, unattainable and even, in general, boring image.
If you want to change your outlook on relationships and start rebuilding your trust resource, you need to start with yourself. What helps us to face life with an open heart, despite the pain and challenges of fate? Understanding and accepting ourselves, knowing our strengths and weaknesses and the ability to be in contact with our own experiences, no matter how difficult and dangerous they may seem.
It is, of course, about trusting yourself. It can be much more difficult to restore it than to other people. Where do you start?
- 1. Question your thoughts every time you notice the tendency to evaluate yourself and others in opposite categories: good / bad, right / wrong, good / evil, and so on. The world has a lot more gray tones - that's why it is so interesting.
- 2. Arrange an inventory of your shortcomings - everything that seems to you in yourself unpleasant, dangerous, unworthy of love. Find the courage to write it all down and pay more attention to the manifestation of these traits in real life. But not in order to criticize yourself for it, but in order to learn to perceive it as a natural part of your own life - that is, to treat the dark sides of yourself with acceptance.
- 3. Practice regulating your attention and keeping your mind occupied with something useful. This skill will be very useful for you in order to pull yourself out of the swamp of false assumptions about other people's behavior. The next time you, say, suspect cheating because of a missed call, devote at least a few minutes to meditation, conscious walking, or at least concentrated solving a logic puzzle. This will certainly help you switch from panic mode to a healthy consideration of the broader context and field of available opportunities.
- 4. Learn to handle strong, violent emotions and experiences, such as anger, rejection, intimacy, love. Most of us learn from childhood to be afraid of our emotions, but today there are many techniques for restoring contact with our experiences and expressing them in a socially acceptable form. Remember that you are able to withstand your own feelings and sensations, no matter what happens to you. And if you are able to accept any of your worries and experiences, then no one else can harm you with their behavior and there is no reason to meet people with distrust.
- 5. Let go of past mistakes and disappointments. Resist the habit of generalizing people's behavior and drawing conclusions from your past experiences. Each person is unique, and your fear of reliving pain caused by someone else blocks your path to new, much healthier and more trusting relationships right now.