Table of contents:
- Pornographic connections
- The main theme of the film is the fear of emotional pain, disappointment from yet another love failure
Video: The Sex In Cinema Project: A Sexologist About The Pornographic Ties Movie - Reviews, Sex
Pornographic connections
- France, Switzerland, Belgium, Luxembourg, 1999
- Director: Frederic Fontaine
- Starring: Natalie Bai, Sergi Lopez
The film is about love and fear of emotional pain and how negative experiences in the past prevent happiness in the present.
The main characters met through an advertisement in the newspaper with only one goal - to realize their sexual fantasy. We will never know which one. They agreed to meet once every week for no-obligation sex. No names, no stories from the past, just sex.
From the movie
- It was a pornographic connection. Yes, a simple and specific, pornographic connection. After all, you understand that pornography is sex, only sex and nothing else but sex. And we were ready for this, for sex, for special sex. I definitely wanted to realize this fantasy someday. Although usually people dream about it, they really want it to remain at the dream stage. Well, like, for example, collective rape.
A man and a woman are playing a game of not getting involved. But they are engaged in self-deception, and love is born as a result of their meetings. The heroes are scared, their fear wins, and they part without knowing each other's names.
The director solves the problem of choosing the main characters unambiguously - calmness and regularity are better than love and suspense.
From the movie
- Have you ever had a declaration of love? Did you tell the woman that you love her, that you want to live with her?
- This happened a long time ago.
- How long ago?
“A long time ago, it seems… I don’t remember, I was still pimply.
- Why haven't you explained yourself since then?
- I do not know, it seemed to me that this is not the best method to look after.
- Sometimes you love someone so much that you cannot help declaring your love. Have you never experienced this?
“Maybe, but I didn’t dare to do it.
- Why?
- I was afraid.
- Afraid of what?
- Ridicule, failure.
- We don't know each other.
- You never know each other. If you don't know yourself what to say about others.
- What do you feel about me?
“I don’t know, I’m still excited.
- It's not scary, it's good to cry.
- But not in the same way, not in full view of everyone.
- Do you want to leave?
- Shall we go to the hotel?
- But I do not want.
- We can do something else at the hotel.
Despite the fact that we know practically nothing about the heroes of the picture, we can draw some conclusions from their behavior and manner of communication. By the way the heroes are careful, they do not tell anything about themselves and do not want to know anything about each other, we can assume that their past was not too rosy. Most likely, everyone had a negative experience in love, and therefore they decided not to fall in love anymore, but to be in safe territory - sex without obligations. Everyone is sure that he will succeed, that he can not get involved in a relationship, skillfully separating sex and love. But life decides otherwise …
From the movie
- It was no longer necessary to seduce, there were no problems of sex either, everything was in order. For the first time I felt good with a man. With others, there was always aggression, some kind of omission. They say one thing and think another. And with him we just talked.
- We immediately established an unspoken rule: we do not talk about our life, in the usual sense of this, that is, about age, profession, we omitted all this, all this did not really matter. But this was not a conscious decision. It just happened.
Psychotherapist Irvin Yalom calls this desire to protect oneself from disappointment "not to take a loan from life, so as not to pay with death." In fact, for such people, love involves risk and suffering, so the alternative for them is not to love at all. But what to do with carnal desires? After all, they do not disappear anywhere. As Sigmund Freud said, "libido triumphs." Having rationally explained to themselves and convinced that love has no place in my life, the heroes of the film replace it with sex.
There is a lot of rationalization in the film. Starting from excluding love and relationships from your life to explaining to yourself why "we can't be together." Rationalization is one of the varieties of mental defenses, the essence of which lies in the logical explanation of phenomena, motives of actions, behavior and other things. For example, an alcoholic explains to himself his drunkenness: "I drink because I feel bad, my wife has brought it."
From the movie
- I made all the important decisions recklessly. At first I made a list of pros and a list of cons, counted points. But at the moment of the actual choice, I seemed to jump into the abyss.
“I said I’ll think we’ll see until next Thursday.” But it was clear to me I was in love. This was the woman of my life. And suddenly I found out, I found out that she doesn't want to. She wanted to stop everything. She hadn't said anything yet, but she could see it. It was on her face. She wanted to stop everything. She was afraid to say so. Instead, I needed to decide.
- We will not succeed, we both will not succeed.
- No, I decided to stay with him, I even decided that if he refuses, I will fight to the end. Then, when he said that we would not succeed, it immediately became clear to me that he was right. We need to part.
- One day we will hate each other and all that we will have are memories. So let's stop for today?
The woman is involved first. It is much more difficult for women than for men to separate sex and love. This is due to the fact that female sexuality is different from male sexuality. It is more complex and more tied to romantic experiences and the image of a partner. It is not always important for men how a woman behaves and what she is. Therefore, many men can safely have sex with a variety of women, without experiencing love feelings.
The main theme of the film is the fear of emotional pain, disappointment from yet another love failure
What led to avoidant behavior? Most likely, the negative experience was repeated many times, forming loops and loops of a negative love script.
Everything in our life does not happen by chance. We ourselves, with our thoughts and ideas, shape reality and events around us. And we also attract the corresponding partner - with our inner energy, our expectations, our dreams. They say that more will happen to you than what is already in your head. And indeed it is.
To understand the situation, you need to ask yourself: “Why do I attract such partners? What attracts me to them? Maybe in this way I will compensate for something in myself? Maybe I want to end a relationship from childhood? See a parent figure in my partner? Or maybe I realize something through such a relationship and they are somehow beneficial to me? " These are the right questions to understand the true reasons behind this and break the cycle of the scenario.
What if the characters in the movie originally had a habit of separating love and sex? Back then, their whole relationship was so superficial. Through sex, they realize their thirst for love, because they cannot love otherwise, only with their “body”. And the thrill of sexual sensations fixes this way of love relationships. Then we are talking about emotional deprivation in childhood, about the absence of a harmonious example of relationships between parents.
Emotional deprivation is when you are an unwanted child and your parents don't like you. And if nobody loved you, then you don't know what kind of feeling it is. Such people are like mental and emotional invalids, unable to truly love. This is how you have to teach adults to show their feelings and emotions and share them with another person.
But it is not enough to understand the root cause. You also need to be able to free yourself from negative experiences. Remember the words of the famous song - "where there is fear, there is no place for love." The expectation of fear makes it a reality. What we fear is bound to happen to us. What to do?
If a person himself cannot critically understand the current situation and change something in his life, there is not enough willpower, knowledge, confidence in the correctness of actions, you need to contact a specialist.
