Conflict Age In A Child - How To Help? - Society

A seventh-grader daughter came home from school terribly agitated. In our country, this state is called “forbid them”: someone is strongly outraged by something, but there is no way to influence what is happening. "Where is it burning?" - we are interested. - "You can not do it this way! Doesn't she understand? What is this victimblaming?!? - the daughter rages. "Does she not understand that you cannot justify a rapist?" ? Victimblaming is an accusation of a victim of violence committed against her.

I'm starting to get very worried. Did the teenager have to deal with something terrible and traumatic? But the intensity of her anger has already subsided, she takes a deep breath and begins to talk.

Seventh grade, literature lesson. They study the "Song of the merchant Kalashnikov". Moreover, as it happened for some reason in most schools, instead of literary criticism (poetics, artistic and expressive means, stylistics), the teacher is engaged in home-grown psychoanalysis: the motives of the heroes' actions are discussed, “what the author had in mind,” what could have happened if the hero did not leave the house and in general … Children turn on poorly, the problems of the Middle Ages do not excite them very much.

And suddenly! A very strange question is asked: "What was wrong with Alena Dmitrievna's behavior, which entailed the death of her noble husband?" At this point, as our daughter says, everyone perked up and pricked up their ears. But while they are silent, they wait where the wind will blow. Because the answer is obvious: nothing. The teacher, not seeing the "educational activity", begins to push in the direction she needs: lured and seduced Kiribeevich? Here the literate people were already very worried, shouting from their seats, they say, on the contrary, she was walking out of the church, closing herself with a patterned veil, turning away, hurrying home, to the little kids. She was dressed in uniform, not in a tight mini.

But no! Not guessing, the teacher is broadcasting with some triumph. She is to blame for the fact that Kiribeevich liked it. This was followed by a heartfelt lecture that girls who dress provocatively, dye their hair, and let their hair down should be prepared to be attacked or, at least, paid unwanted attention. In general, one must be more modest and more chaste.

Then an avalanche of girlish anger descended: it was loudly announced about victimblaming, and about the fact that we are not responsible for the actions and intentions of other people, and about the fact that the law is the same for everyone … The teacher was even slightly confused. But then she stopped the "bacchanalia" and rigidly decided: the girl should think about her own safety and not provoke. Dot. So tomorrow everyone will come washed and with their hair tied back. And cut off your nails. And in general - we have a dress code at school, be so kind as to observe. And somehow it all came down to discipline.

How do you express yourself?

Any of our actions, be it movement, speech, certain clothes, written text or painted picture, are a message to the world around us. Of course, if all these actions you perform openly, and not locked in a room, hiding and hiding. "I express myself like that!" - declares the teenager, dyeing his hair in a complex rainbow color. “I’m an artist, I see it this way,” has become a meme and is no longer even funny. “Nobody is interested in your opinion here, if you grow up, you will talk,” the imperious head teacher, prone to tyranny, upsets the student at the teachers' council. Although the guy just allowed himself to write in the essay that, in his opinion, in the conflict between Laevsky and von Koren, "both are worse."

The need to express oneself is one of the basic, almost the main indicator that a person has solved "biological" problems and his life is not only a struggle for physical survival

The inability to express oneself in the outside world is perceived as one of the most severe restrictions. It is no coincidence that all dictatorships first of all begin to struggle with freedom of speech, the freedom to creatively comprehend and discuss with other people questions of life, and not just "the woman, where did they get the potatoes?" Conversely, all democracies consider the right to speak and be heard as the basis of their foundations.

For a teenager, besides everything, the desire to somehow declare to the outside world about his own inner world is the main age task

We learn something about what “began” by the fact that suddenly the kid refuses to watch the good old “Caucasian captive” with us (and last time he laughed until screeching and kicked his legs), or eat sandwiches for breakfast (and before I have been putting on both cheeks for 12 or 13 years), or wear this particular jacket, although it was quite usable in the spring.

His image of himself has changed - inside - but the world has not been notified about it! Until that terrible moment, he was a mother's and father's child. And all his ideas about himself came for the most part from us: we name and describe him as smart or slow-witted, we inspire the girl that she is a beauty, all in her mother, we designate his strengths and weaknesses at least by taking him to a certain circle or school.

But one day everything changes. He wakes up with a terrible epiphany that his parents lied to him, he is not at all smart and not handsome, something is wandering inside, vague and frightening, he knows for sure that everything of yesterday hates and sickens him.

Do you recognize the main motives of Russian literature? Yes, all of Lermontov is about this, early Pushkin too, romanticism, a restless soul, not understood and not accepted by anyone. Someone was lucky enough to survive and grow up, some did not.

Inside, the powerful work begins to create your own ideas about literally everything. As if he is the first person on the planet who realized himself and took care of the question “Who am I? What am I? " In addition, there is a vague suspicion that not all new discoveries will delight elders.

This is where the conflict begins.

Clash of the Titans

With about the same force with which adolescents are trying to change everything, turn everything over and refute, representatives of the older generation are trying to keep this world unchanged. The struggle between development and homeostasis is the central conflict of all living organisms, including your own, dear reader: right at this moment, part of your cells die, and others, new ones, come to replace them.

Young growth in the lion's pride yells: "There, across the river, the grass is thicker and there are more antelopes!" The majestic foremen lazily brush aside: "And we are not bad here either." Development or stagnation in any system is determined by this very balance: a conditional youngster wants to explore new horizons, a conditional council of elders tries to prevent the ship from capsizing from too fast and abrupt maneuvers.

Young people are more numerous and more active - a company can make a vertical takeoff, and then burst, unable to withstand the pressure in a rarefied atmosphere. More "old-timers" - the company is slowly dying out, new projects do not arise, the stagnant swamp sucks in.

Now let's get back to our situation described above. At all times, the majority of teachers were people of mature or old age: even at the biological level, we have a readiness to listen, obey and obey the Elder. In this context, the young teacher is thought of as a senior playmate. But a large gray-haired man commands respect and attracts respectful attention with little or no effort.

It is a pity that the option "listen and listen to an elderly woman" is not spelled out in evolutionary scenarios. And in our schools nowadays mostly women work, mostly senior ones. And they, for the most part, are desperately trying to keep the ship of education at least afloat. Preferably on the same course.

Again, solid biology, nothing personal: we have already taught several generations of children using this program and these methods, they are alive and well, which means this method is suitable. Something like your grandmother strives to feed the child with delicious semolina, ignoring all your instructions, because "she raised three children like that - and look how good it turned out." This is their main purpose, mission, if you like: to transmit and preserve traditions.

Presentations, iPads, interactive lessons, as well as freedom of expression and respect for the student's personality are not included in the list of traditions

This beautiful, no doubt, woman, a seventh grade literature teacher, has a tremendous experience of survival in an extremely dangerous, inhuman, often cruel patriarchal world. She has a lot to say about frivolous girls who allowed themselves to express their sexuality through clothes and makeup - and got into trouble. About their former students who showed such hopes and whose fate was broken once made the wrong choice.

She's also jealous.

Who wouldn't be jealous? Have you seen these girls? I here once saw a girl of about fifteen, running to class. Except as "a young mare, her eyes glittering madly, twisted her head like a snake and set off like an arrow," and there is nothing to say. And here it is, "into the crayons of the ring curled, the tail is streaming gold, and the diamond hooves are upholstered with large pearls." She still had such wheels sparkling in different colors on her feet, pushed off with her foot - and fly.

And here you are. Everything hurts, my back hurts, my joints hurt, I’m tired, I have no strength, in one hand there is a heavy bag with educational materials, in the other - with food. And tomorrow will be the same hopeless day, and the day after tomorrow too. Ahead is a penny pension, emptiness and melancholy. And to say this - to express yourself! - it is also impossible, all your upbringing becomes a wall: "Don't whine, don't complain, if you show weakness, they'll eat it."

So it turns out that the only space where she can show her envy, disappointment, heartache, anxiety is a lesson. But to say bluntly: "Girls, the world is complicated and rather cruel, take care of yourself, do not force too much, walk with an eye" - she cannot. Not accustomed to direct communication. And the girls are just accustomed, they go to all kinds of trainings, and go to self-determination camps, read a lot and different things. They are also cruel, with the light white-toothed cruelty of the young organism towards the old. Which is also depressing and separating generations.

How to speak so that teachers listen and listen so that children speak?

So what do we, parents, do when a child starts talking excitedly about the conflict at school?

First of all, listen carefully. Try to understand what really happened. Listen to your feelings

Do you feel fear? Or outrage and anger? Or disgust? Ask the child: how does he feel? If fear or disgust is a bad thing, you have to go to school to figure out if there is bullying or violence, if something serious threatens him. Burnt-out teachers can use both the class and individual children to act out their violent, sadistic impulses or to pursue powerful impulses.

If the main feeling is resentment and anger, you can be sure: we are talking about a generational conflict. You can go, talk to the teacher to make sure that nothing terrible has happened, the teacher understands that all these swoops are just checking boundaries and building new relationships. It is important that both the teenager and the teacher feel heard and understood correctly. Then it will be possible to begin to train children in the skill of competently conducting discussions, negotiations, teaching them to express themselves environmentally and without destroying other people's sand castles.

By the way, I go to school quite regularly. And you know what? For an hour and a half I sit and listen - no, not about my daughter. “I understand, you are a psychologist, your children are different too,” they say to me from kindergarten. I sit and listen about the life of this particular woman, the teacher. Yes, this is not my professional or social responsibility. But honestly, after 50 minutes of “active listening,” I usually get my message across, even if it looks wild at first.

Last year I was able to "squeeze out" the work on errors and some homework. I plan to agree that in the eighth grade, lessons begin not at 8.30, but at 9.30 for high school. Continuous biology.