On The Psychology Of Secondary Benefits - Society

The concept of “secondary benefits” implies that a person may have a logical reason to stay in bad relationships, in exhausting or low-paid jobs, to choose such a strategy of behavior to remain a “black sheep”, “black sheep” and “eternal victim”.

This reason is the receipt of certain advantages, at first glance, unobvious and often unconscious

Whining for bonuses

A typical example is that a person is constantly sick, his quality of life is definitely deteriorating, but at the same time he does not receive treatment, does not comply with the prescriptions of doctors, that is, he does everything to continue suffering. It would seem that a normal person should strive to be healthy, cheerful and energetic, but many people, although they constantly complain about their painful condition, are in no hurry to fight it. They are not in a hurry, because they "reap" the sympathy of others, a sparing attitude towards themselves ("dad must not be upset, he has a heart"), attention to oneself, help and care.

There are "misunderstood geniuses" who seem to be both talented and capable, and their ideas are not empty - but they either leave the project with a scandal, then quarrel with partners, then suddenly create a rash - and the business is over. Is it illogical? Yes. However, a person can insure himself against the risk of failure, for example, against the collapse of self-esteem. His projects always collapse due to circumstances, accidents, someone else's will and never because of his own mistakes. You can reassure yourself with this: "It was not I who made a mistake, it was not I who failed - this world is cruel and unfair to talents."

Black sheep can also benefit from their status. They are guaranteed to get attention, albeit peculiar. If the family as a system itself is not very healthy, then the households need their "black sheep". Sometimes only on discussion and condemnation of "not like all normal people", a family member, the whole system holds on.

Naturally, such a strategy of human behavior is not formed from a good life.

As a rule, “eternal sick”, “misunderstood geniuses”, “black sheep”, “complainers” are people from dysfunctional families or people who have experienced significant life cataclysms, which they were unable to cope with

Zero balance

The concept of “secondary benefits” is intuitive and even enjoyable. The townsfolk love her very much, saying “if a person does not change anything, then everything suits him, for some reason it is beneficial for him” has become almost a sign of a good education and understanding of human psychology. Do not regret, do not sympathize, do not help - immediately hit the forehead with this “it means you need it for some reason”, without understanding the situation.

But it turns out that often the situation does not imply any “secondary benefits”

A typical case is a situation of domestic violence. Here is a woman who has been beaten by her husband for several years. They say to her: “If you don’t leave, then you get something! Do you want to be felt sorry for you? Do you want to be the unfortunate victim that everyone helps? Or a heroine bravely fighting for love? Or maybe you just live on your husband's money, in his apartment and don't want to leave a warm place? " These are the questions they ask, and sometimes they add that the victim herself is to blame, and therefore should be silent and not complain.

But let's figure it out - here people meet, fall in love, get married. I do not know of a single case when a man beat a woman with mortal force on the third date, and after that she continued to develop a relationship with him. Not a single one - always in a pair, both initially try for each other, regret and forgive, make compromises. Even if conflicts do happen, then after them people try to make peace, make amends and promise their partner and themselves not to do this anymore.

Violence enters the relationship of a couple quietly, slowly, seeping drop by drop, hiding in the corners, in the little things

When there is a lot of it, codependency has already been formed, material dependence, and the whole set. From an attractive energetic woman, the victim turned into a downtrodden creature, with a completely ruined psyche.

Where are the "secondary benefits"? They are not. The compassion of others (if there is one at all), a little self-pity and the opportunity to somehow use the material assets of the family are the only benefit that exists in this situation, "primary" (we now, of course, do not take a situation where one side is frank slander, lies and embellishes to gain attention and sympathy). It is especially sad to hear about "secondary benefits" when the victim was clearly given to understand what would happen to her, children and loved ones if she left - probably, staying alive and keeping loved ones calm is also a "secondary benefit", according to this logic, and deserves condemnation.

The same happens with people who, due to certain circumstances, find themselves in a very difficult situation on all fronts. With work it is bad, an old mother is sick, and the children also require constant care and attention, well, he himself has already crumbled from overstrain. And now a person looks like a circus performer holding a dozen fragile plates in the air - you focus on one, the rest will fall to the floor.

Yes, our will is also a finite resource, and if we, for example, direct it all to solve one problem, it will not be enough for the rest. So it turns out that "freezing" in such a state is sometimes the only opportunity to keep all important areas of life under control (at least relative), and again there is no talk of any "secondary benefits" here - here the only primary benefit is "worse was gone - and okay."

How can I help the complainant?

Naturally, the question arises - how to distinguish situations where there are “secondary benefits” from situations where a person really needs help and qualitative changes? There are no obvious signs, each situation is individual - and that is why you should not immediately blame a person for the fact that he could just take and change everything. And since he only complains, it means he is looking for secondary benefits in the form of attention, sympathy, oohs and oohs. In addition, there is no harm in sincerely sympathizing with a person from the heart, without accusations and unsolicited advice - to sympathize at least once.

What if in your environment (colleague, girlfriend or friend, relative) there is such an unhappy person with an "unsolvable problem"? And all those around him have already knocked off their feet in an attempt to somehow help him, but all to no avail?

Very simple:

• do not join the general running in a circle,
• not get involved
• do not get annoyed
• do not go in with the moralizing "look at your life, you like to suffer."

Thus, you will save both your strength and emotional resources, and you will not once again reinforce the complainant's motivation to continue in the same spirit.

If a person really needs help, you at least will not make him worse, which is also, you see, good.

What about yourself?

But what if you suddenly discovered that this “complainer”, crushed by the weight of unsolvable problems, is yourself?

• First, do not blame yourself, and it does not matter if you find the very "secondary benefits" in your bad situation, or in fact, you sincerely want to change everything, but you cannot. Self-flagellation can be fun, but unfortunately or fortunately, it is completely useless for solving problems.
• Secondly, if possible, without unnecessary emotions and thoughts about the "cruel, unjust world" to analyze what is happening in your life (perhaps with the help of a psychotherapist, written practices or other methods).

Even if you were horrified to find that you still receive some secondary benefits, this is not a sentence, not a sin, and does not make you a terrible person. This is just an excuse to start changing your life for the better.