Father Or Stepfather? How To Build A Relationship With Your Ex-husband And Current - Relations

I have been divorced for over a year. There is a son, six years old. The ex-husband communicates very well with him, takes him to trainings, takes him to his place for the weekend. Now a man has appeared in my life. He believes that the presence of our ex-husband in our lives will complicate our relationship with him. I do not want to lose my beloved man, but I do not want to deprive the child of his own father. Tell me what to do?

Julia, 32 years old

It turns out that at the moment there are no problems with her ex-husband, but there are clear agreements. Doubt visits your new chosen one. This is an important and interesting point.

Talk to him frankly: what exactly are his doubts about? Ask him these questions:

• How does he think your ex-spouse will interfere with your relationship?
• What is expected of him, what actions, words? Was this really the case?
• If not, why are there any concerns? Any experience of his own? Or is it the work of projection?
• Maybe the boyfriend has the tension and desire to act aggressively?
• Fear of male competition? Is it important for him to be the first, the best?
• Maybe he had some traumatic experience of defeat?

In this case, his relationship with your son will not be easy. For a boy, his own father will always be the best, especially since he is actively involved in his life. And you will have to live with a stranger. And here the "second dad" needs to be able to be authoritative, not authoritarian. And you should be able to keep a balance of loyalty and toughness.

Be in the mood for dialogue. And remember that “your own son comes first” is also a mistake. The man is also important. And he must accept the fact that someone will be the father of the boy. At the same time, it is in his power to establish good relations with the child. It is difficult to become family, but making friends and getting closer is quite real!

Try to notice the moments when there is a risk of involving the child in a showdown. Remember that in the general system "family" there are different subsystems: man-woman, mother-child, father-child, stepfather-child. And it is important not to "lubricate" these subsystems with each other.

A very big plus is the presence of sports! This relieves stress from the child, and the coach is also a male figure. The more experience a boy has with the world of men, the better!

In any difficult situation, dialogue will help. And reliance on your feelings

And of course, don't forget that there are people ready to help: psychologists, helplines, and helpful magazines