What If It Doesn't Work? Male Fears In Sex - Relationship, Sex

The top 3 problems men turn to a psychologist for sex include the so-called anxious expectation of failure. At the most inopportune moment a question arises in a man's head: "What if I can't do it?" And immediately the doubt turns into a prophecy. Fiasco. An internal "counter" adds the failure to the "collection". And now, at the first hint of sex, a man will be afraid of another failure. How can we break this vicious circle?

From point A to point B

It should be clarified that a psychologist-sexologist is the official name of the qualification of a specialist who, having a psychological education and experience in psychological counseling, has received additional training in the field of sexology. Such training is carried out by the Russian Scientific Sexological Society so that qualified help for sexual problems can be received by those patients who do not have urological diseases, whose difficulties have psychological reasons.

Men who have problems with erection, first, as a rule, go to the urologist: undergo examinations, get tested. And it is right. First of all, you need to clarify the situation with your physical health, and if everything is fine with him, then go to a psychologist-sexologist.

Self-test questions

In Latin, "diagnosis" means recognition. It is quite simple to understand and understand that we are dealing with an anxious expectation of a possible failure. Answer a few questions:

• 1. Do you feel attracted to your partner? Is she sexually attractive to you?
• 2. During intimacy or in front of it, do thoughts of possible failure occur to you? Do they make you anxious?
• 3. Is this the first time this happens?
• 4. Do you have a spontaneous erection, for example at night or in the morning?

Answers "Yes", "Yes", "No", "Yes" are highly likely to mean that you have a disorder called "anticipation of failure anxiety syndrome."

Usefulness test

Express interviews with patients with this problem reveal similar attitudes about intercourse. “I have to be on top”, “I have to satisfy my partner”, “my male self-esteem depends on success in sex”.

Such theses turn having sex not into pleasure for both partners, but into passing the exam: could / could not? Success or failure?

Such "pre-examination" excitements simply block the natural processes of arousal - that's the result.

The body of a man is designed in such a way that even if a naked attractive woman is lying in front of him, but “wrong” thoughts are spinning in his mind, then there will be problems with an erection. For example, if a man remembers how bad a meeting at work went or worries about the upcoming negotiations tomorrow, then the brain "concludes": the situation is not erotic, we do not turn on an erection. Worries about "will I succeed now or not?" "What if I screw up again, like that time?" - not sexy, and the brain gives the appropriate commands.

Hello spouse

It is known that some sexologists do not advise one of the spouses at all: sexual relations are a couple's business, so you have to come to the appointment together. However, as practical experience shows, the second half may not come for a consultation, but she will have to participate in solving the problem. There are two options here: either the man tells his partner about the content of the conversation with the specialist, or she is still present during the conversation.

The essence of the "instructions" for a partner is to cancel negative reactions to any development of events in bed. Acceptance of any situation, switching the process of intimacy from one scenario to another is more suitable here. At the stage of treatment, it is important for a partner to become an ally and help her beloved man psychologically rebuild, change her attitude towards sexual intercourse.

Memo No. 1. FOR MEN ONLY

• You are not a sexy machine and you don't "have to" always be good in bed.
• Men's self-esteem is not limited to sexual success.
• Partner satisfaction is not a man's exclusive task; whether she will be satisfied depends very much on herself.
• A woman can be brought to orgasm not only by the movement of the penis into the vagina, so this issue does not rest on an erection at all.
• Finally, I will reveal a "terrible secret": very often a woman, having not reached orgasm, still feels satisfaction from sex if she made love with her loving partner, whom you can trust and relax.

CONCLUSION: there can be no fiasco if you are sensible about intimacy

Matrix. Reboot

If you simultaneously press the Ctrl + Alt + Del keys on the computer keyboard, then a list of tasks that the processor is currently performing appears on the screen. And you can remove the task.

The problem of anxious expectation of failure can be solved simply by removing the task "I want everything to work out as it should."

Cancel the exam, the usefulness test - it's not sexy, not necessary, and not important. And you will succeed. Gradually, you will stop worrying about good luck / bad luck, a healthy perception of intimacy will take root in the unconscious, and then everything will happen in the best way for a particular moment. That is, if you, for example, are very tired, then there will be no feats, and this is normal. And under normal conditions, no problems will arise, and the unpleasant syndrome will never bother you again.

Memo number 2. FOR MEN ONLY

Men, read slowly and thoughtfully! There can be no failure in bed, because it can never be. What and how you will have an erection is completely unimportant and has nothing to do with the quality of lovemaking and satisfaction.

A woman who loves you does not need to move the penis into the vagina for a few minutes; she needs to feel loved and desired, to know that you like her. It is important for her to see your attention, enjoy lovemaking and all this cool sensual atmosphere. Create it for a woman!

Concentrate on your partner and on the process of mutual affection. Caress her body with your eyes, enjoy the touch and catch the response; listen to her breathing, sighs and moans. Try to feel connected, close.

If thoughts fly to the wrong place, calmly return them to the here and now. If you feel that your erection is weakening, think of manual or oral sex. If desired, your partner can give you the same touch.

And of course, do not rush to turn away and fall asleep. A few minutes of affectionate kisses, touches and words is the perfect end to lovemaking.

Expert opinion

Forever Young

Erection problems in men have both physiological and psychological reasons. This is often faced by people approaching a midlife crisis. There is a certain modern prejudice that a healthy man is one who is always “on the alert”. And a middle-aged man is trying to fit this idea. Therefore, when it fails, it becomes a "global problem."

If we are talking about psychological reasons, then they are often associated with an attempt by men to regain their former power, and, at times, the impossibility of this for physiological reasons. The man refuses to accept the fact that he needs to rebuild his life in accordance with new tasks.

There is a wonderful French film "Forever Young" on this topic. The hero tries to keep the elusive reckless youth at the expense of young divas. If a man is realized in the family, in the profession, in his work, then it is easier for him to get through this period. He has something else to rely on besides physical proof of his masculinity and health.

Anastasia PERL,

clinical psychologist, family and perinatal psychotherapist