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Video: How To Return Intimacy After Infidelity - Relationship, Sex
The news of adultery is tragic. This is the collapse, if not of the world itself, then of its familiar picture. It seems absolutely impossible to fit the "culprit" into the changed landscape. However, there are families who are ready to fight for a common future. How to return intimacy after infidelity?
It is unlikely that you will dream of reconciliation, barely learning about treason. Shock, unwillingness to believe, pain, anger, bouts of aggression - all this inevitable passive set is preceded by the first timid remarks of common sense.
You will want to speak up, cry, hurt your partner just as much. From time to time you will seem to yourself a worthless creature, looking for reasons
Do not hurry! Let your feelings heal and your tears dry. Your pain will surely pass, your spouse can be forgiven or expelled, and the responsibility for the actions performed in the “state of passion” will remain with you.
Fulcrum
No matter what the "victim" is inclined to, the earth will leave from under his feet for a long time. You need to find something to keep your balance. Anger and resentment are also a powerful boost of energy. Turn your feelings into caring for children and loved ones, work, hobbies, some kind of youthful dream, driven into a far corner by responsibilities and everyday life. When you remember that you are not only a wife, not only a husband, but also a friend, the best surgeon in the city, an excellent fisherman, a beloved father, you will understand that there is a lot of value left in your life that your partner cannot take away. To regain your integrity, turn to creativity.
Exercise "I-collage"
You will need: a sheet of paper, magazines, scissors, glue.
Remember everything that "you are made of" - everything good, pleasant, everything that you can be proud of, that brings you pleasure. Cut out pictures that represent your values and stick them on paper. Keep this self-portrait close to your eyes, fueling your confidence.
The art of forgiveness
Very often we want to forgive the offender, and the offense is in no hurry to say goodbye to us. She "sits in the chest" or "burns from the inside", "crushes", "cuts". Sound familiar? It is important to understand that your forgiveness is not so much needed by your abuser as by you. A life with resentment in the soul is fraught with depression and psychosomatic illnesses. Be sure to try a few different techniques until you find one that works. The indicator of release will be lightness and absence of "burning". Similar work is necessary for someone who has been convicted of infidelity. He needs to forgive himself.
Exercise number 1 "Writing"
Write your spouse an angry letter. Do not be shy! Write whatever you think about him in the very expressions that come to mind. At the end, thank him for his invaluable experience and list the positive aspects of what happened: “Now I know that I need to devote more time to the relationship, I realized that I still love you …” There is no need to send such messages. You can expand the circle of addressees. Write a similar letter to your husband's mistress and yourself if your resentment turns into a strong sense of guilt.
Exercise number 2 "Portrait"
For those who are not good at puns, there is a more abstract method. Take some sheets of paper, pencils, or paint. Feel your resentment, try to see it inside your body. Consider it. How she looks like? What size, color, shape? Sketch it. Let the sensations flow onto the paper with each stroke or smear, relieving the body of unnecessary stress. You can repeat this over and over until you feel that the resentment is gone.
Exercise number 3 "Fairy tale"
Describe your situation as if it happened with fairy-tale characters: Elena the Beautiful wants, but cannot, forgive her Fool Ivan. But this is a fairy tale … Ivan went to serve forgiveness, or Elena went to “unfreeze” her heart. Come up with your own storyline and a good ending. In a fairy tale, resources and ways to solve a problem may be revealed that you did not notice before.
In order for the experience to be not only bitter, but also useful, it is necessary to take stock. Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes. Of course, the lack of warmth, care and affection provokes searches on the side. Someone finds shelter in other areas of life, and someone turns "left". What was missing in your relationship? And how do you plan to fill this gap in the future?
Starting point
Courtship, flowers, romance, flared up feelings will not save you from repeated reproaches and bouts of despair. The one who was unfaithful seems to be testing the traitor's intentions for strength. Not everyone can withstand … But silence or indifference are not the best signs in such situations.
When the passions subside a little, a decision must be made. And if a person is really dear, if he makes an effort to "bring everything back", if the betrayal happened for the first time - how many "ifs" each has - you agree to "start over."
It is important to understand that you can try to start a new relationship, but you cannot go back to the old one
The main characters have undergone irreversible changes. "Tamara, living in a happy marriage" became "Tamara, who was once betrayed by a beloved man." Joint walks, gatherings in a cafe, promises and vows … This event left a scar on the soul, crossing out all the good that was between you.
You need to create a new agreement, new conditions on which you are ready to continue the relationship. Some couples even arrange something like a symbolic wedding followed by a honeymoon. From this day on, you will have to admire each other again, enchant, gain trust. It takes time to recreate intimate relationships. Deep lacerations do not heal quickly. You will have to fill your new family "archive" with pleasant memories.
Still, treason is a very big shock, and it may take more than a year to make a final decision "to be or not to be"
Once you met and fell in love with this person. You chose him, and he reciprocated. You have been tested for compatibility, you have learned to live together, to lead a joint life. Yes, he hurt you, but we are not immune from a similar disaster in a new relationship.
