What Hinders Spontaneity - Society

Spontaneity as the opposite of control can only be afforded by a free person. The child is born spontaneous. It is natural in its manifestations: it cries when it is bitter and insulting; afraid if scared; explores the world when calm. However, soon the world makes such demands on him that it is no longer possible to remain spontaneous and alive.

A seven-year-old girl pours over the letters. She thinks she's doing great. She is not upset that the letters are tilted incorrectly, the process itself is important to her. She could not write - and here it is, a miracle! I wrote a whole word!

But then Dad comes and frowns: “You are not trying. Why is it so crooked? Write more evenly! Try your best!"

The girl is upset that dad is not happy. The girl doubts her feelings. Her joy fades: Dad can't be wrong! The girl tries, rewrites. But Dad is not happy again. Joy disappears altogether. The girl feels bad. She's ashamed. She can't do anything.

Time after time, day after day … Discontent, criticism. Criticism, dissatisfaction. She gets used to feeling clumsy. She no longer wants to create. She wants to be right.

The boy was told that only girls cry. They said rudely, with derision. Now he suppresses his tears.

The girl was told that laughing for no reason is a sign of foolishness. She doesn't laugh anymore.

The boy and the girl were taught that one cannot be like that: slow, fast, dreamy, too serious; you can not be distracted by your own affairs, because there is nothing to do except study; you can't get angry, be dissatisfied, you can't, you can't … Otherwise they won't accept, they won't love. And so I want to be accepted and loved.

This is how control appears. If I control myself, the environment, the circumstances, I will get less criticism. And maybe I'll get some warmth

Grown up boys and girls hate their vulnerability, their imperfection, as their parents once hated it. They can't stand what goes beyond what is supposed to be. Anything that is not perfect has no right to exist. Rigid and excessive exactingness to oneself and to others and, of course, to one's children is becoming the norm.

They do not have confidence in themselves, they are still looking for parental figures in the outside world - who will allow them to play, frolic, take a break from a boring and uninteresting routine.

But no one permits, and the unfortunate boys and girls live like this - squeezed by control, dreaming of freedom

Only relying on yourself, your needs, your feelings will help you survive in an evaluating and controlling environment. Self-reliance, the belief that "everything is all right with me" will allow me to withstand criticism, withstand assessment.

• “You're not like that. You are idealistic, you are slow, you devote too much time to your interests … You are not the right person! "
• "Yes, I am like this! And I am what I need. We can agree on how we will interact with me - like that. "

To appropriate one's own merits and “demerits” means to give up the search for that “adult” who will allow you to have “uncomfortable” qualities, will allow you not to achieve and will allow you to simply live.

How do I feel my spontaneity now? I write if I want to, and if I want to go to the cinema, I go to the cinema. I don't overwork, but the cost of my services allows me to earn enough. Writing is my gigantic resource. You can say that I "play" with the word, creating texts that are different in form and content. You can also say that I "play" psychology: I enjoy trying, experimenting, looking closely, getting feedback, drawing conclusions and trying something new again. Such work does not seem like a routine to me: it inspires me.

I gradually appropriate my rights to feelings, needs, boundaries. I can say that I beat off with a fight at the internal controller, who frightened me with terrible consequences (now his voice has greatly subsided). He frightened that they would not accept me and that I would be left alone, unloved by everyone and not needed by anyone.

However, everything turns out to be different. Manifesting himself spontaneously, a person vividly expresses his essence. And this attracts people close to him in spirit and removes strangers.

At a young age, it is enough to support the child in his spontaneity: “Look, you are already writing words! I'm glad for you, you are doing it! " In adulthood, spontaneity is no longer so easy: you have to overcome the megatons of fear and self-doubt that have accumulated over many, many years.