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Video: School Conflicts. Instruction For Parents - Society
A new school year has begun, and with it a new period of adaptation for children and their parents. In addition to difficulties with studies, school conflicts may await the child. By themselves, these situations are not bad. They simply signal that their participants have different goals, desires, motives. Conflicts are almost impossible to avoid, but you can learn to resolve them competently.
Conflict "Child - Child"
The student complains that he has been offended or that they are not friends with him. The first thing to do is to ask the child in detail what exactly happened. Children can be confused about what happened and with whom in particular, so it is important to be clear and, if possible, check with the teacher. "Nobody is friends with me" can turn into "not friends for half a day." Complains that someone calls names, pushes, but in fact it turns out that they called names and pushed each other. If the child is able to answer "symmetrically", there is no reason for concern, he can stand up for himself, that is, the conflict is resolved at the level of children.
Parents may not like this behavior of schoolchildren, but often it turns out to be absolutely adequate for the age and situations in which they find themselves. But why then does the child complain if he copes himself?
Sometimes children just need to share. It is important not to judge, but simply to listen. If he speaks, then it is important to him
The topic of relationships for children is often more significant than the topic of lessons. It's good if the parent can listen and summarize: “Another boy pushed you, you got angry and pushed him back” or “When the children started calling names, you got offended and started calling names too. After that, they stopped. And by the end of the day you became friends at all. " This allows the child to see a more complete picture of what happened. During the day he experiences a lot and may need help to "digest" it all.
If the child really does not cope on his own, for example, he cannot stand up for himself or, on the contrary, is overly aggressive, it is important to pay attention to what messages he is sent to school with. Wishing the best for their child, parents sometimes carefully put mutually exclusive messages into his head.
For example, “If they call them names, hit me in the nose. They will not climb anymore "- and at the same time" Look that we do not complain about you. " These messages can come from different parents, maybe from one at different times. When receiving conflicting instructions, the child often freezes in indecision, remaining with anger and fear at the same time.
The child does not dare to defend himself, because he is afraid that they will complain about him, on the one hand. On the other hand, if he does decide to answer, then his answer will be overly aggressive. He may be left without friends, and they will again complain to his parents, and they will punish him.
If the child has already fallen into such a trap, it is important to support him and promise that you will be on his side, even if they complain about him
At the same time, it is important that he can respond in different ways, and not just punch in the nose. When a student acts in this way, it does not go unnoticed by both children and teachers. He can be labeled as aggressive and unable to be friends. As a rule, children need just the ability to restrain their emotions and make it clear that they can protect themselves. It is good to teach to warn about your anger and the intention to "hit back" or "tell the teacher." Some of the conflicts are resolved at this level. It is good if the student can refrain from reacting immediately and ask: "Did you stepped on my foot on purpose?"
Parental messages that seem to be unambiguously positive can affect relationships with classmates in unexpected ways. If parents broadcast: “You need to be friends with everyone,” “You can't fight,” “Everyone needs help,” “You need to share,” “You can always agree in an amicable way,” and so on, this makes life much more difficult for the student. These rules are impracticable in principle. A child who must share with everyone and help everyone, as a rule, is unconsciously angry at those with whom he does not want to be friends, to share, and such a charge of anger may well provoke a conflict. In this case, the child usually considers himself good, correct, and the children around him are stupid, annoying, poorly educated, etc.
If the parents themselves are asked whether they can be friends with everyone, whether they want to share their property with everyone, whether it has always been possible in life to agree in an amicable way and with everyone, the answer is obvious. However, for some reason, children are told to live like this
Parents often say this out of concern for the child, from the inability to check whether everything is in order at school, whether he has friends. It is really important for a schoolchild to decide with whom he is friends and with whom he is not, with whom he will share, and with whom he will not, in other words, find his own support group. Therefore, it is important to ask with whom he is friends and with whom he is not, with whom in the class it is easiest for him to negotiate and who is not, with whom he is ready to share, and with whom he will never share, and why.
You can ask directly, or you can offer a simple survey game with the following content: “If you had five sweets, who in the class would you give them to? Which one in the class would you like to share the candy with you? " If the child easily lists friends and foes, there is no cause for concern. He has already found "his". In addition, you can ask the teacher how the child behaves in the classroom, with whom he plays, communicates. Even having one or two friends can be sufficient. Don't be afraid to ask. Most often, children are happy to talk about themselves when they feel a sincere interest in themselves and their lives.
Sometimes the conflict between children continues for a long time and no resolution comes. What to do?
First, you should not go directly to another child. This communication is not on an equal footing. A schoolchild who is abused by a parent of a classmate, as a rule, feels frightened and completely helpless. This can put your child in a vulnerable position. Children unconsciously transfer this situation to themselves and begin to fear: "What if other people's parents will swear at me like that?" It is advisable to agree with all the parents in the class that if there are complaints about someone's child, then you need to contact his parents.
It is necessary to find out what happened and how to live on now with parents and children from both sides. It is important not just to say that you cannot behave this way, but to find out what you wanted to get. Then you should come up with a way of how you can get what you want differently. For example, if one child hits another to be noticed and taken into play, it is important to think about how he can attract the attention of a classmate in a different way.
Conflict "Teacher - student"
You should not publicly scold your child, it humiliates him. The child is ashamed, scared and offended at the same time: "Two adults united against me." Most likely, from the emotions he is experiencing, he already does not understand well what they want from him. It is good if the parent can calmly listen to the teacher, say that he understood everything and will try to figure it out. Then ask the child what happened, remembering that everyone has the right to make a mistake. Many of the rules of school life may be incomprehensible and may need to be repeated several times.
It is necessary to give the child the opportunity to freely express his opinion and his feelings, not to blame him
Even if you internally agree with the teacher, it is important to remain neutral. For example, a teacher complains that a child was chatting in class. A schoolboy can justify himself by the fact that he was bored and really wanted to tell something interesting to his neighbor.
We can agree that, indeed, talking with a friend is more interesting than listening to a teacher, that it can be boring in class. And at the same time, remind that the teacher looks at this situation differently: in front of him is a class of twenty to twenty-five students, and if one of the children is making noise, it is difficult to teach the lesson. This is how the child learns to see the position of the other person.