Sexual Fantasies - To Be Ashamed Or To Embody? - Relationship, Sex

Sometimes we have various sexual fantasies, and that's okay. But if everything is in order in a relationship with a partner, and thoughts about other people are simply haunting, this is alarming. And some fantasies can be really scary.

In the realm of subpersonalities

Let's see if "strange" fantasies are really so scary. Of the three options offered: to be ashamed (suppress), to embody or to engage in introspection - people often choose the first or second. At the same time, forgetting that behind each image there is a message from the unconscious, which is hardly interpreted literally. But without decoding the message, the realization of fantasies does not always bring deep satisfaction.

If we feel very strong emotions for someone (both positive - interest, infatuation, falling in love, and negative - irritation, anger), but we do not know him well enough, then we simply face our projections: we “love” not a real person, but only our own ideas about him.

And these fantasies may have little to do with reality. In order to know ourselves, we need other people. In essence, it is a longing for our unacceptable parts of ourselves (subpersonalities). It is easier for us to see parts of ourselves through other people. And if we can accept them, then they will no longer "cling" us so in others.

Symbols and signs

For our unconscious, the image of sexual contact is a symbol of the unification of two different parts of the psyche with opposite opinions and desires. It is they who create intrapersonal conflicts. Just as in dreams the symbol of death is often associated with transformation and transition, and not with real death, so fantasies of sexual contact can carry a lot of deeply symbolic, aimed at the pursuit of integrity.

Normal or pathological?

Six important criteria

Lev Scheglov, a well-known sexologist, psychotherapist, doctor of medical sciences, gives the following criteria for separating norm from pathology:

• 1. The heterogeneity of partners (after all, despite the tolerance).
• 2. Social maturity (both partners must be 18 years old). In our society, the age of consent to sexual contact is 16 years.
• 3. Mutual agreement.
• 4. Mutual striving to achieve mutual pleasure.
• 5. No harm to the health of partners (even if consent was given).
• 6. No damage (including moral) caused to other people.

Popular fantasies and deeper needs

Love at first sight

Saw a woman / man, fell in love (fell in love). I know almost nothing about her / him, but pulls like a magnet. Most likely, this is a question of projection. From the woman's side, her masculine part will be projected onto the man, in analytical psychology it is called Animus (it is responsible for logic, pressure, activity, aggression, promotion). The successful social activity of a woman is the merit of the Animus.

In the case of a man falling in love with a woman, one can speak of projections of the man's feminine part. This part is responsible for feelings, emotions. In analytical psychology, it is called Anima.

If a man is captured by feelings that he cannot control, he is characterized by hysteria, impressionability, which is what women often differ in. Or, on the contrary, there is no word “feeling” in his lexicon. This is the result of the same problem - the lack of contact with your feminine part. In the first case, the Anima suppresses the conscious part of the man, thereby calling for attention. As in life, a woman “throws a tantrum” because other methods don't work.

In the second case, the conscious part of the man suppresses the unconscious feminine, creative, sensual part. It is important to see those parts of yourself that claim to be, and try to accept them. Seeing them in yourself, taking the time to self-analyze is already a big step towards integration. Removing projections leads to a more holistic sense of self and more real contact with others. And our feelings then turn to a real person. It is impossible to remove all projections, our unconscious is very large. But some of the projections shot will help create healthier relationships.

Young partner

Such a fantasy often occurs in people of forty. It is believed that this is a crisis age, fears of aging and missed opportunities are activated. The desire to connect with a young partner can speak of trying to stop time.

But physical processes go on as usual, autumn invariably comes after summer. And here it depends on the person, for someone the autumn is insanely fruitful, this is the time of the beginning of the “harvest”, while for someone this is a field with barren dry land. Labor in harmony with oneself is the basis of the desired result.

Group sex

A big chasm lies between those who only fantasize about group sex and those who actually participate in it. Fantasy helps to discern such deficiencies as the need for attention, the desire to feel especially desirable, to get maximum pleasure. Such scenarios are realized only by novice researchers of their sexuality. This is an attempt to get the maximum experience with a minimum of responsibility.

Rape

Even Wilhelm Reich, the founder of body-oriented psychotherapy, spoke about the joint healthy activity of both partners in the process of physical intimacy. Passivity and fantasies about rape most likely indicate a tendency to victimhood (from the Latin victima - “victim”). A fantasy of sexually assaulting someone may indicate a need for domination. This is an attempt to compensate for the inner feeling of powerlessness and inadequacy.

Expert opinion

Alpha males

Love at first sight arises:

1) on the basis of the same emotional vibrations or

2) if a person is sexy in thoughts, movements, eyes and voice.

But everything is not forever. Potency is very important for a man, and if his companion has lost her attractiveness, he is looking for an opportunity to stimulate his sexual desire on the side. The need to dominate is very exciting for people of a certain psychotype. This should not be scared, but you need to think about why such a desire arises.

As a rule, such a person has a certain potential that must be directed in the right direction. Such people can become good leaders, soldiers, rescuers, athletes. This is where they will satisfy their need to dominate. If a man works as a quiet office worker or system administrator, this can lead to a violent sexual impulse and desire for violence in the future.

And therefore, sometimes it is better to hide behind the subconscious, the unconscious … and from these considerations to get a few more harmless orgasms.

Anastasia BULGAKOVA,

psychologist