Deep Transition To Personality. 4 Examples Of How To Scold Correctly - Society

One of the clients told me about how his mother scolded him as a child. We all criticize our children - this is an integral part of the educational process. But in this case there was a "deep transition to personalities" - as he called it. Mom scolded him not for his misdeeds, but because he was so bad. For his personality. Not "you acted badly now," but "who did you become so ugly?"

The "boy" is already over 40. He is an accomplished family man and a professional in his field. There were different things in his life: both bad and good. Including from my mother there was a lot of praise. But with the criticism of the personality came a distrust of praise. Sometimes, in a good mood, the mother said: "You are the best," but the child recalled at the same time, "Who are you so ugly?" and did not believe her. Until now, speaking about those childhood situations, he feels - no, not anxiety, but rabies.

Fear hides under anger, because in such moments, the breakdown of relations with loved ones is felt. This is the interpretation of an adult. And a child who is told “who are you so ugly?” Feels that he is being denied in his life. In parental words, the child hears the message “you are wrong”, and this is not far from the prescription “don't live”.

We evaluate ourselves by the ability to do what we feel in ourselves, while others evaluate us by what we have already done

Henry Longfellow

Whenever we work with childhood grievances in family therapy, we are faced with the fact that the criticized child and the criticizing adult experience the same emotions - as in a mirror. Anger and fear in an unconstructively criticized child is a reflection of the same emotions in a parent. The parent is also angry, otherwise he would not criticize! And, oddly enough, fear.

For a child who does something wrong, and for himself - because he cannot cope with the parental function. Parental fear often hides the feeling of one's own helplessness. Hence the use of the strongest and most painful arguments.

What should be done so that the child does not have a frightening sense of threat to his own existence when receiving criticism?

1. Scold for actions, praise for personal qualities

Constructively

"No need to pull the cat by the tail - it hurts!"

"If you continue to behave like this, I will have to punish you …"

"You have done very badly now!"

Dangerous

"How cruel you are!"

"You are constantly shaking my nerves!"

"You're incorrigible!"

2. Talk about your feelings

Constructively

"I am very upset that you broke the vase!"

"It's so hard for me to hear your lies!"

"I want to throw all your scattered socks into the garbage chute!"

Dangerous

"You are awkward!"

"You don't give a damn about your mother!"

"You are so sloppy, you always throw everything away"

3. Talk about his feelings and states

Constructively

“You didn't have time to do your homework today. Maybe you need help?"

"What can I do to make you understand this?"

"It seems to me that you are not happy with yourself even now."

Dangerous

“You are a bummer! You had half a day for your lessons!"

“You are no longer small! Why don't you understand such simple things?"

"If you do that, you will grow up to be a failure!"

4. Avoid double bills and negative programming

Constructively

Separate: "You are good for washing the dishes" and "It's a pity for the cup, of course, but it's not a tragedy."

“People sometimes talk nonsense. You will still learn to understand this."

"Be careful! The vase is heavy and slippery!"

Dangerous

"You, of course, well done for washing the dishes, but why beat the cups?"

“I don’t understand how such an intelligent child like you can believe in such nonsense!”

"Don't touch the vase - you'll break it!"

Children are not “comfortable” and “unambiguous”, and parents are not constantly energetic, included and competent. And then we use love and acceptance, which are universal means of conflict resolution.