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Video: How To Set Personal Boundaries - Self-development
Surely there have been situations in your life when you were treated in a way that you did not like at all. Or in your society they behaved in a way that is unacceptable to you. Have you taken action? I'm sure many will now think: “Yes, I did” - and most will lie to themselves. The measures taken are when this does not happen again. So did you take action? More precisely, did the people at whom these measures were directed did this again? Or did someone else do it?
Agree, if an unpleasant situation repeats over and over again, then this at least gives you discomfort. And plus I have bad news for you - you have no personal boundaries.
What are personal boundaries?
Personal boundaries are a set of rules that tells others how you can be dealt with, and how you can not. Consider that you are the state and the borders are customs. Some customs allow illegal immigrants to pass, while others do not - you can yell at someone, but not at someone.
Before setting your boundaries, you need to prepare for two completely inevitable situations.
- # 1 People will always feel your boundaries, and if you allow one time to do something with impunity, be prepared for the situation to happen again.
- # 2 If you don't have boundaries of your own, you will regularly break other people's boundaries, which is inevitable conflict, damaged relationships, and hassle.
What happens to a person without personal boundaries? They adjust it for themselves, use it, make it convenient, embarrass, underestimate self-esteem, etc. Does a person need this? Certainly not.
And if you now understand that you are in trouble with personal boundaries, then I propose only four steps to establish them. Do not jump right off the bat, but do not postpone for the next life - as soon as you set boundaries, you will see that your life has changed and the attitude of others towards you has changed.
Where to begin?
The first and foremost thing to understand is that you are setting your own rules, not telling the other person how to live. Let's take an example. Imagine that you are Italy and you are your own president: you have a constitution, laws, all sorts of acts, norms and a siesta from 14 to 17. But at the same time, with your rules you do not come to Germany and do not tell its inhabitants how they live wrong and that they urgently need a siesta. Do you understand, yes? You tell the person how to treat you specifically on your territory, but you don't tell what the person should do, what to believe in, how to walk and how to breathe.
The person must understand the consequences that will come if he violates your boundaries. For example, you might want to tell your boss, who regularly asks you to go out on weekends without pay, that if he treats you and your time this way, you’ll just go to another company. If a man yells at you, you should be adamant: "If you raise your voice at me, I will just stop communicating with you and end our relationship."
Do not treat people the way you do not want them to treat you. Do not violate the personal boundaries of others. If you are the first to start yelling at your husband, do not be surprised if he yells at you. If you are always late for work and take time off early, don't be surprised if your boss breaks your boundaries and pays your salary a little later, because you do the same to him.
Be guided by the principle "I do not punish you, I protect myself." This is the same as not allowing you to enter your house with dirty shoes and stomp on the white carpet - you have no purpose to punish the other person and limit him in something. Your goal is to protect your white carpets, your wallet from dry cleaning fees, and your hands from detergents. Or another situation - if your friend is regularly late, you have every right to tell her: “I understand that you are late - you may have good reasons for this, but I’m not ready to waste my personal time waiting for you. I am not satisfied with your lateness, I will not meet with you again. " In this case, you do not take an accusatory position, but simply speak for yourself.
Only four steps, but you have already defined your personal boundaries. The only thing left is to defend them.
Be decisive and persistent, do not deviate from your priorities and values, do not think "he / she / they just forgot, I will not do anything now, but then …"
After the second chance there will be the third, after the third - the tenth, after the tenth - the twenty-fifth. If you warn everyone about how you can behave with you, and how you can’t, declare sanctions, and then you don’t do anything from what was promised, then you didn’t have borders, and you won’t be. I agree, it's not easy, but you will succeed!