Re-marriages. 12 Difficult Moments - Relations

In the 19th century and earlier, remarriage was associated with widowhood. One of the spouses was dying, the second had children in his arms. In our time, most often the former spouses are alive and loving. Whenever it comes to remarriage, we say that children suffer with their stepmother and stepfather. It is a myth. Children are not so unhappy in these remarriages, apart from the periods of divorce and divorce.

Negotiate ashore

In repeated marriages, there are more "tails": children, prevailing preferences, professions that impose some restrictions, property, experience, material claims or problems - a lot of everything that needs to be negotiated at the entrance.

In Soviet times, the divorcees' task was to divide the received apartment, for example, a three-room apartment into two one-room apartments, and then only alimony. Today, you may have more than one apartment, more than one child and more than one marriage behind you. There may be parents on maintenance, some obligations, mortgages, loans, sick relatives.

You need to know which system of raising children in the family is preferred, otherwise there will be difficulties. You need to understand what financial obligations a partner has in relation to himself, to previous spouses, to parents, to ask the question: "What do you have?"

We assume that there is love and excellent sexual relations, now we are talking about a social contract. How much money, what property, what business, whether there are debts, how is it supposed to deal with them, what style of financial life - takes loans or saves money. What are the diseases (there are diseases that require serious resources - not only monetary, but also temporary). Onshore, we negotiate resources and real-world challenges to tackle together.

12 difficult moments

• 1. In remarriage, children have two parents: two mothers, two fathers. The problem is who is responsible for what. We want the next spouse to be a parent and love. But the children already have real, loving parents. How to redistribute functions between these two spouses, former and present. Who handles household issues (eat, bed on time)? The husband who lives with my mother. And who will solve strategic problems, for example, in which school to study? Will one mother decide, or together with her ex-spouse, or three of them, which is almost unrealistic? Perhaps the own father will choose a detachment strategy.
• 2. It is even more difficult when one has a first marriage, and another has a second. If one partner does not have parenting experience, it will be difficult for him to fit in. It is good if he is not required to play the role of a parent, it is possible that this second spouse will be able to become the child's older friend, take not a guardian / dominant position, but an equal. This position is remarkable in that emotions are not required here. You can befriendly support, tell some truth of life. A native parent is more about love, spoiledness or overprotection, while a step-parent and recent one can give more discipline and rules: how to behave at the table, in communication.
• 3. And there are also children who come who live with their mother and periodically come to their father's house. Such children should have their own small territories - if it is not possible to give a separate room, then it can be its own shelf in the closet where clothes are, a toothbrush. The child should not come with a bag like a guest. At the same time, he may be faced with the fact that the rules in families are different: they can go to bed at different times, eat in different ways (at a certain time or at any time), there mom chooses clothes, there is no, there everyone cleans up for himself, everything is together. We have to articulate everything, explain: it is customary with us, but it is not customary. The children who come are half guests, they do not need to be bothered with everyday things that do not concern them.
• 4. Children devalue the second, conditional parents, thereby showing loyalty to their mother or father. And when a child resists or says nasty things about his stepfather or stepmother, he thus shows that he loves or is faithful to his parent. Here you need to take a neutral position, although it is very difficult, especially after difficult divorces.
• 5. What if the child is provocative, trying to somehow unite the parents? He will do it only as long as he has hope for a reunion. As a rule, small children, in order to unite parents, give disease, big children give behavior disorders. If, when called to school, mom immediately calls dad, the child will arrange it more often, if dad immediately calls mom with a sick child, the child will get sick more often. It makes sense for a child (especially a teenager) to say that "in recent years we have lived in conflict, we are going in different directions and will never live with your dad / mom together." Children at this moment absolutely calm down.
• 6. Grandparents can take the side of the previous husband, while never loving him, under the pretext that he is the father of children. They should not participate in the divorce of children, while uniting with their grandchildren. In this coalition, they unconsciously drag their grandchildren to one of the sides. If, nevertheless, depreciation begins, you need to warn that you will not bring grandchildren to them. Maybe openly tell the child, if he is an adult, that this is a coalition.
• 7. Many people think it is destructive for children when they learn that dad has a wife. This is not true. In fact, it is trauma - when there is no one and there is no trauma - when children see that after a divorce, life continues for both dad and mom, that people do not die from divorce. For a while, the child may reproach you for not caring for him, but taking care of your personal life, but then all this calms down. Parents experience tremendous guilt over their divorce and especially over their second marriage. "I am happy, but the child is not." Where they got the idea that the child is not happy is not very clear. Where did they get the idea that with their own dads everyone is impossibly happy - is also not very clear.
• 8. When the mother is alone, the child begins to control her intensely. He has conditionally lost one of his parents and is terrified of losing the second. And such a revolution begins, the child becomes a "parent" to his lonely mother. The woman just exhaled and began to get out somewhere, he begins to call her, see who her mother is friends with, etc.
• 9. The stepmother is disgusted with her husband's son. On a physical level, so that it needs to be pushed back. This superfluous link disturbs the cozy little world, consisting of a stepmother and her husband (child's father) alone or a stepmother, her husband, her child. “I put my child in, we have a friendly family, let him call him dad, but“this”gets in the way." A question to the child's dad - where did the reticence happen, how did he support this fantasy of hers?
• 10. Underestimation of the parent. A neutral position is very important. So that this is not a closed topic. This is especially true for families when the mother is deprived of parental rights. Do not close the topic, speak, but do not devalue.
• 11. Punishment by the stepfather / stepmother. What is meant by punishment? If the withdrawal of bonuses is done together, there is no emotion. Screams, screams? The function of punishment should be left with the parent. Turn to the parent, discussing with or without a child any difficulties in upbringing.
• 12. Children often have an experience that they never voice - identification. Who am I now? What surname am I? Either I am Ivanov in the Sidorov family, or I am under-Ivanov and already under-Sidorov. This is never voiced and comes out after many years in consultation when you start working with identity.