Trending: Passive Children. An Effective Strategy - Island Education - Blogs, Society

We try to do everything possible and impossible for our children in the hope that they will grow up happy. And we do not understand why our efforts do not give unequivocally positive results: children are passive, unable to set goals, poorly adapted to life and towards us, parents, they are openly consumerist. What are we doing wrong and can the situation be changed?

In matters of upbringing, we often act unconsciously, surrender under the onslaught of the environment and begin to behave "like everyone else." In recent decades, several educational trends have been entrenched in the public consciousness, which parents, willy-nilly, follow. We feel the pressure of the environment, it is unpleasant for us to be in the minority and it is not always possible to go "against the stream".

Wanted - received

When we were kids, buying a new doll or bike was a real treat. And today children's rooms are littered with toys, books, clothes. We buy and buy what is necessary and unnecessary - as if we are trying to compensate for what we ourselves once received less.

We do not want to refuse children. It would seem that parents with low incomes just have to say: “We cannot afford it” - and the topic is closed. But we are afraid to hear “everyone has it, but I don’t” and we give in, allow ourselves to be blackmailed, give the children whatever they ask for: a toy - hold it, the latest model of an iPhone - please … It is enough just to voice the desire.

Over the years, the child demands more and more from the parents, only "toys" become more expensive.

Meanwhile, the formula "wanted = received" is boring and meaningless, it does not teach anything and does not lead anywhere. Giving children everything at once, we do not teach them to build a hierarchy - what is more important, what is less, from which you can safely refuse. If between the desire and its fulfillment "the bullet does not fly", development stops, the child does not grow up, his inner world remains poor and primitive, and the outer one is perceived by him as easy and pleasant. He is not ready for an "adult" life full of problems and conflicts.

Now a good upbringing is only a hindrance. It fences off too much

Oscar Wilde

Today psychologists, including children, talk a lot about frustration - the state of a person who could not satisfy his desire.

The experience of dissatisfaction is absolutely necessary for a child: he must understand that his whims will not always be fulfilled by everyone.

If no one has ever denied him anything, if he has never experienced frustration, he does not develop as a person.

Earlier, more, better

Literally from the cradle, we send children to early development studios, read smart books to them, watch cartoons in English together, listen to classical music. And at two years old, our baby is already reading, at three he counts, at five he talks in English.

But everything is not enough for us: we drive, drive forward without stopping, not giving children the opportunity to mature gradually, move step by step, assign childish tasks to them, force them to grow up too early, fill their lives with impressions and events that they are not yet capable of. comprehend or digest.

Next is the school. We consider the school curriculum as a base that needs to be "supplemented and expanded": here are foreign languages, sports, music, dancing, and painting.

The child's daily routine practically excludes free time without adult supervision: no wandering around the streets in the company of classmates, no spontaneous visits to the cinema or visiting, no “just playing” in the yard - the whole day is scheduled every minute. And on "I don't want" or "I can't" we always have an iron argument: "So much has been invested in you!"

We really invest a lot in children, trying to predict today what they will need tomorrow, and we are very afraid of missing something. Often we recruit subjects with an eye on others: "A neighbor's boy learns a second language, which means we need to …" Parental ambitions also play a significant role: we mercilessly "raise the bar" and force the child to stretch, overcome, instill that he should always be the first and everywhere that he has no right to remain second or third - this is akin to defeat!

Children do not need teachings, but examples

Joseph Joubert

If a child does not by nature have energy, abilities, or simply desire to take the height declared by his parents, he will carry out the “champion program” imposed on him only with the help of constant pressure. Moreover, the more responsible mom and dad are, the higher the bar and the stronger the pressure.

As a result, we get a child with a mass of complexes and psychological problems.

On a short leash

Anxiety for children has spread to all social strata. British researchers argue that parenting behavior has changed in literally one generation. Actions that were considered paranoid in the 1970s (escorting third-graders to school, not playing on the street, riding downhills only with adults) have become not just the norm, but a sign of responsible parents. If in 1971 80% of third graders went to school on their own, then by 1990 this figure dropped to 9%, and now it is even lower.

The more we think about potential threats, the more we worry. Letting the child go, giving him freedom, allowing him to be independent is risky. And we monitor his every step, confuse our own feeling of anxiety with his feelings, our vision of the world with his perception: there are so many threats around, we are afraid for him, which means he should be afraid too. And if he is not afraid, it is because he does not see danger. Moreover, he must be protected, supported, insured. The child constantly hears: "don't stumble", "don't cut yourself", "don't get burned", "you can't … you can't … you can't …".

Concerned about the safety of children, we deprive them of their independence, the opportunity to take risks, to discover new things.

Psychologists call this style of education hyperprotection, or hyperprotection. Overprotective parents see their children as weak and vulnerable, and therefore in need of protection.

The reaction to overprotection largely depends on the child's temperament, the susceptibility and plasticity of his nervous system: one begins to fear "everyone and everything", does not trust anyone and eventually turns into a neurotic, the other does not notice what is happening around, the third becomes aggressive and tries to inflict a "preemptive blow", and the fourth demonstrates complete helplessness in the most simple everyday matters.

It turns out that the stricter the control, the more destructive its consequences for the child's psyche. Without wishing it, we provoke the development of anxiety - one of the most common childhood psychopathologies.

Island education

The educational trends we have described are a powerful social mainstream that parents find themselves in and from which it is difficult to get out. Still, it's worth trying. First you need to understand what we are doing wrong and how it affects our children. It is difficult to see the situation as a whole when we are "built into" it.

This psychological technique will help: you need to mentally distance yourself and look at what is happening from the outside, evaluate, analyze, and then focus not only on what needs to be done, but also on what not to do, what needs to be abandoned, to learn to resist negative, and sometimes destructive for our children, the influence of the external environment.

Change your attitude towards things that bother you, and you will be safe from them

Marcus Aurelius

We are powerless to change society, but we are quite capable of developing “personal protective equipment”. In my opinion, one of the most effective strategies is “island education”.

If the family becomes an “island” where the child can fulfill his basic needs - care, warmth, attention, unconditional love, safety, freedom - then it doesn't matter what happens “in the ocean” - storm or calm, what events excite people “on the Continent”, what games they play and what chimeras they chase.

"Island education" will allow a child to mature, relying on "island" family values, to form as a person, to become a self-confident, independent, self-sufficient person. And our goal will be achieved.