Divorce Of Parents Is A Tragedy For A Child - Society

It didn't work out, it didn't work out, love left - and they decided to divorce. We went to a family psychologist to get through the divorce and “part right”, shared responsibility for the children, agreed on a budget, “compensation”, alimony and additional expenses. We learned to communicate peacefully, without breakdowns and quarrels. They ceased to be a couple, but remained parents. The perfect picture that rarely happens in reality.

gold standard

It seems that divorce is a terrible thing that will certainly hurt children, creating an unfavorable precedent for their future. Indeed, most often the former spouses continue to conflict, painfully divide property or even the children themselves.

It happens that the father of the child is attracted to the family almost by the ears - if only both parents were available. At the same time, a woman is ready to humiliate herself, sacrifice her personal life, just to keep the dad for the children.

Only a situation in which both parents voluntarily, on an equal or almost equal basis continue to participate in the life of their children will be unambiguously good. For example, in some European countries it is customary to build a house for a family and nearby - a house for one of the spouses in case of divorce. If everything is fine with the marriage - the house is rented, and if bad times come and the parents disagree - then they stay to live nearby and this gives them the opportunity to remain mom and dad almost on a par. Of course, in our country, such an idyll is unlikely.

All other options are only more or less acceptable, each situation will have its own pros and cons. For example, they divided everything equally, but with big scandals. Or the father of the family withdrew himself, the children remained entirely on the mother, but then there were no quarrels and fights.

Mom: one for all

It often happens that a woman takes on more, and a man eludes his half of parenting. And then mom is trapped. On the one hand, she does everything "for herself and for that guy." On the other hand, moms are now advanced and know that they cannot replace dad entirely. And the idea is born to somehow influence the ex-husband - so that he communicates with the children. In this case, the former spouses, most likely, "keep a grudge" against each other. If both of them could remain friends, they would agree about children humanly.

There is a myth that a child needs both parents and all other options will not do without trauma. It is difficult to argue with this myth, because mother and father are the basis of the foundations. But what children really need is reliability and consistency. How this will be achieved is not so important. If one parent can provide a child with a "safe home," then everything else - role models, paired relationships - the child will find where to get it. Or the same parent will help him by his example, refusing to be stuck in the past.

3 steps to peace

The goal is to get as close as possible to a situation where both former partners maintain good relations and voluntarily participate on an equal footing in the lives of children. If there is even the slightest opportunity to undergo marital therapy, take advantage of this by all means. Some of the sessions will be held jointly, some will be held separately. This gives a chance for a new format of relations after a divorce. If the ex does not want to go to therapy, you can do your half of the gold standard, and for children it will be better than seeing their parents in a state of constant war.

• 1. Work through the resentment, “drink to the bottom” of your grief - so that all experiences are lived, so that the past remains in the past, so that you can calmly communicate with your ex on parental issues and start a new personal life.
• 2. Find the strength to remain neutral. To vilify and scold a former with children is definitely harmful and creates the basis for unfavorable scenarios like "all men are goats." However, after good therapy it is not difficult. When there is no stormy stream of thoughts and feelings inside, neutrality is easy.
• 3. Be open to talking with children about dad and about divorce, find words that do not hurt anyone.