Man Is Bigger Than He Seems To Himself - Society

Elena Shalashugina, psychologist and psychoanalyst of the Center for Medical Prevention, Dolgoprudny

In our country, it is not very customary to go to a psychologist. There is a stereotype: only "psycho" needs a psychologist

Apparently, there is a misunderstanding of what the psychologist does. And he works with healthy people. Just "psychos" go to a psychiatrist or psychotherapist. A psychologist is not a doctor, he does not cure, he does not make diagnoses - he consults. There is also non-medical therapy, psychologists are also involved in this, but not all.

Why are we so wary of working with a psychologist?

This is largely due to the "Iron Curtain", when psychology was simply chopped off and thrown overboard, considering it a pseudoscience. Accordingly, in this regard, we are very far behind, since perestroika too little time has passed for people to become psychologically literate. We were brought up in such a way that we must solve our problems ourselves. And the problems with which a person comes to consult with a psychologist belong to the group of "frivolous". In fact, not all are barons Munchausen, to pull themselves out of the swamp by their hair. There is nothing wrong with a person asking for help. Moreover, this step requires a certain amount of courage. Without it, you cannot come to changes, to a decision to change something. It's really scary to change something in life. And even more so - you need to be ready to learn something bad about yourself. And this thought latently sits: "What if I find out about myself or someone finds out about me something that will be unpleasant to me."

In our society, there are attitudes: "boys do not cry", "a man must be strong."

This is also a stereotype, quite a condo template. Chances are, the roots of cardiovascular disease and early mortality in men grow from this. Men are also people, and they also need to somehow express sadness, grief, and other feelings, only society condemns this.

Do all people need a psychologist?

Everybody needs some kind of prevention. There are happy people who do not need a psychologist, because, for example, their self-esteem is in order. I was lucky with the teachers, with the parents, with the environment. These people do not need to delve deeply into themselves in order to determine something, to resolve an internal conflict. They learned to draw resources from outside and act like Scarlett O'Hara: "I won't think about it today, I will think about it tomorrow." In fact, this is one of the techniques: to abstract from certain thoughts. Then the anxiety associated with them disappears, the person recovers. And if the problem still needs to be solved, it is solved with renewed vigor. And someone cannot do that. This is very individual. It happens that it is impossible to open up without someone's help. And if a person is completely satisfied with the life he lives,suits the environment - why should he change something? He is aware of this, and, accordingly, he does not need a psychologist. And if there are problems, there is a need to change, there is an understanding that something is wrong in life, this may also indicate that there is a huge potential that needs to be unlocked. And it's better to do it with a specialist.

How can a person understand that he needs a psychologist? Are there any "beacons"?

Constant conflicts (at work, in the family, with a child), a feeling of dissatisfaction with oneself, life. This is what lies on the surface. It is not at all necessary to need any deep work, sometimes you can keep within several consultations, if the question concerns only behavior. And more deeply - this is when you want to change something in yourself, stop being afraid, you want to start living in full force. These are deeper problems, and here the work will take more time. Prevention includes techniques of communication and getting out of the conflict: how to conflict so that it does not become a negative, but becomes a point of growth. In order for relations with people to reach a new level after resolving the conflict, certain knowledge is needed. This is psychological literacy.

Let's say a person realized that he wants to go to a psychologist. How can he find a specialist who suits him?

There are a lot of psychological schools. They are built on different theoretical bases that are completely unrelated to each other. Every school is based on scientific theory. There are a lot of them, and one can help someone, someone else. But it is not necessary to understand this. You cannot do without trial and error, but if a person looked at a psychologist and realized that he could not trust him, there would be no work. First of all, you need to focus on your own acceptance of the psychologist as a person.

What are the three main qualities of a psychologist?

First of all, it is empathy - the ability to empathize. Not just sympathy, but co-experiencing. The second quality is openness. It happens that a specialist closes behind his theory, fences off from the client. It is clear that you need to respect boundaries, you need protection from emotional burnout, but sometimes it feels too much, and then it is uncomfortable to be around. Apparently, the psychologist is closed due to some personal circumstances. The third is love for people, there is no other way to help.

Do you manage to perceive your work with a calm heart? It's very difficult to be immersed in someone's problems every day. How to maintain yourself and your own attitude?

The point is that this is also taught. And when a psychologist is with a client in the process of work, he should not be a person. He communicates exactly like a psychologist. He does not remember that he has a husband, a home, a child, that this child needs to be fed. All this must be cut off and be a specialist who accumulates what is happening with the client, and from this process helps to build something new for the client. If the psychologist fails to abstract, there will be no work and the client will feel that the psychologist is “out there somewhere.”

What should you not expect from working with a psychologist?

The task of the psychologist is to give the client back responsibility for his life. Many come, tell the situation and ask: "What should I do?" This question is translated as follows: “Tell me what to do. I will take it, and if I fail, I will blame you. This is what you advised. " The psychologist will avoid answering such a question, for example, by activating the resources of the person himself: “Let's see what is possible in principle, what you can”. The person begins to speak himself, and the choice will be his. It is difficult, unpleasant, because I have come for help, for a ready answer, but I have to think again, stir up something. It happens that they leave with disappointment because they did not get what they wanted. There is no “magic pill”, you definitely don’t need to wait for it.

People often ask: “Don't talking to close people help you? Why do you go to a psychologist”?

The fact is that friends and family rely on their own experience or on the experience of their acquaintances. What helped them becomes the core of their worldview. At the same time, any theory - no matter whether scientific or everyday - assumes certain assumptions. For example, "if you knock on wood, everything will be fine." Or: "everyone in this world will be rewarded according to their deserts." This is what makes a scientific theory different from an everyday one, in that assumptions in it are like axioms in geometry: no one doubts them practically, they are difficult to refute. For example, in psychoanalysis, it is the existence of the unconscious. It cannot be touched, but it can be identified by reservations. And it can still be proved. But how to prove the effectiveness of knocking on wood? Difficult. Any everyday theory is based on such assumptions. And if you help on this basis, you can hurt. Leaning on the wrong reference pointsyou can break a person's life.

How did you come to be a psychologist?

I went to this from the very beginning, I just did not immediately realize. Even at school I was interested in drawing up questionnaires, observing people, testing. And then a new life experience and a new request appeared - this is an urgent need to figure out what was the matter, first for oneself, and then for others. It is something internal that constantly pushes towards this goal, but it is difficult to put into words. It goes on throughout life: "We need to go there, this is necessary." It's hard to explain what exactly. I can say: “Well, understand yourself. Well, help others. " But this is not all, something remains unsaid.

Have you had to change your profession as an adult?

My first profession is a culturologist. My past work was very close to psychology: I had to communicate with difficult teenagers and find contact with adults. It was very difficult without special knowledge. The need was slowly brewing, and when the opportunity finally appeared, I took advantage of it.

What problems do you deal with more?

I would highlight not so much the problem as the contingent. These are primarily teenagers. This is interesting to me, because they are no longer children, you can talk with them on serious topics. But they are still not adults, they are as open and receptive as possible. They do not have some kind of rigid internal structure that cuts off everything that does not correspond to their idea of themselves, of the world, of other people. They are more volatile, they absorb. At the same time, they do it critically. In order to gain the authority of a teenager, you need him to start respecting you, this is a pretty serious job. It is very interesting, having achieved respect, to invest something. Or rather, do not even invest - they do not take the finished product. They take what you give them, look at it, mold it somehow, so that it is acceptable to them, and then give something completely different. When you understand that there is your contribution, it warms. I lead teenage groups and study individually. If there is a problem in the family, very often the parents blame everything on the child. It often turns out that the problem is in the parents.

As a result, your parents agree to work with you?

If at the very beginning you say: "You are raising a child incorrectly," this will be perceived with hostility. It is necessary to show that the parent is doing well in terms of upbringing, thanks to which he achieved this and this … And if you also learn how to do this, it will be generally wonderful. And every time I remind parents that children love them very much. When Mom and Dad hear this, they become softer and more ready for new experiences. From this point on, you can say some kind of criticism. And then there is an agreement: "Yes, there really is something behind me, I sometimes do this, probably I'm wrong." Then you get the desired result.

What would you wish for those who have the feeling: “That's it, I can't do this anymore”?

Courage and understanding that a person is always more than he is and than he seems to himself. Armed with this knowledge, you need to look for a specialist who will help you get through this acute period and turn it into a point of growth. Otherwise, you can slide into a pit of depression and sit there for a very long time. Better to use it as a gift of fate.