Silent Crime - Society

You've probably heard about the "Karpman Dramatic Triangle": Victim - Pursuer - Rescuer. But there is another triangle, no less tragic: Victim - Persecutor - Silent. What makes adults remain silent and indulge the whims of the aggressor?

In the family, the Silent takes a position of non-interference, if not completely ignorant. He doesn't care what will happen in the relationship between children and adults - he can not be counted on. The silencer will never protect, will not express his opinion, will not even save in a situation dangerous to the health of a loved one. But his part of the responsibility still remains, as he ignores moral and ethical "crimes". How dangerous is it to live with such a person? Let's figure it out.

The Silent Role is common in dysfunctional families. Where there is a lot of injustice in relationships: emotional and even physical violence, violation of territorial and psychological boundaries, unreasonable rules, undeserved punishment, devaluation and humiliation. The silencer takes a detached position as the easiest and most comfortable one. He does not need to do anything, it is enough just not to interfere.

Dangerous silence

The Victim - Persecutor - Silent triangle is often seen in parent-child relationships. One of the parents takes the role of the Persecutor in relation to the child who turns into the Victim. At the same time, the Persecutor disclaims responsibility, shifting it onto the child: they say, he is to blame, “this is a terrible child,” “not a child, but a monster,” “he asked for it himself,” etc. The parent devalues and demonizes him. A situation arises in which the Victim has no chance of winning. The parent negatively perceives any manifestations on the part of the child. He forms a bias that distorts reality. In turn, distortedly perceived facts reinforce negative projection, “prove” it. Therefore, the child has no chance to please the parent and arouse his love and acceptance.

The child bumped and cries. The parent did not see the very moment of the injury, in front of him is only a crying baby. The adult immediately interprets the situation through the prism of his negative projections and gets annoyed: again this whiner is crying!

In a rage, he asks the child:

- Well, what happened again ?! The child is frightened and, instead of sharing his misfortune, tries to "correct":

- Nothing … This answer only increases the parent's rage and strengthens his projection: the child is a whiner, cries for no reason, he has a bad character.

Tolerance is another name for indifference

Somerset Maugham

Indulging in Silence Domestic violence can affect not only the child, but any other member of the family. 40% of all serious crimes in Russia are committed in families. Every year 12-14 thousand women die as a result of domestic violence. Every day 36 thousand Russian women are beaten by their husbands. Their loved ones not only know about the violence and are inactive, but also advise them to “endure and keep silent,” thereby encouraging the rapist to repeat the crime. SOURCE: RG. RU

Container of anger

Why would a persecuting parent devalue their Victim child? He finds a convenient container in it to contain his anger. In the old days in noble families there were "whipping boys" - hired commoners who were punished if a little aristocrat was guilty.

The Child-Victim acts as a substitute object, the negative of the Persecutor-parent is directed at him, addressed to a completely different person who is difficult and scary to show anger. For example, a relative whom the child looks like, a husband, a boss, etc. Or maybe it is a concentrated dissatisfaction with his life and himself. In any case, the anger is directed at the child as a safe object: it will not give change, it will not go anywhere. It can be as petty nagging and hairpins, and serious violence.

In short, the parent is committing injustice to the child. And then the question arises before the second parent: what to do? The correct answer is to protect. Yes, there is a rule of respect for a partner: if one of the parents “conducts educational work,” the other does not interfere. But this rule ceases to apply when the behavior of the first parent ceases to be adequate to the situation. Then the duty of the second is to intervene and protect the child.

A child is a child that is not yet capable of independent life. He doesn't know how to defend himself. And if one parent becomes a Persecutor, it is important that the other is not a Silent.

What makes you silent?

1. Fear of losing your relationship with the Persecutor

A parent who abuses the child by his partner (whether the child's biological parent or not) is overly interested in the partner. The parent is afraid that if he stands up for the child, it will lead to conflict, and even to a break. Where does such a strong fear come from and what is hidden behind the overvalue of a partner?

Material settlement The

partner provides finance or housing, promotes career advancement or obtaining citizenship / residence permit.

Public pressure

For example, divorce is condemned or not accepted.

Intolerance to loneliness, low self-esteem

Forces to cling to a partner, whatever he is and whatever he does: losing him is even worse. There are cases when the Silent, for fear of losing a partner, ignored not only emotional, but also physical violence against a child, including sexual.

2. Misunderstood loyalty to a partner, false value system

Now the trend is “returning to the origins” - Old Russian, Vedic, etc. At the trainings, the participants are taught: the wife should agree with her husband in everything, because “the man is always right”. Twice I was approached by women with the same problem (independently of each other): after undergoing a similar training, they believed that they should follow the will of their husband in everything, but there was only one "small" detail: the husbands had psychiatric diagnoses.

Likewise, husbands indulge their wives, although most often out of pity or out of the false idea that raising children is the mother's lot.

3. Inability to protect oneself, fear of facing the partner's anger

Biological age is not an indicator of psychological maturity. And psychological maturity can be uneven: in other matters, he (a) is an adult, but he does not know how to stand up for himself. Those who do not know how to defend themselves do not know how to defend others. Sometimes the Silent One is simply lost, because he himself faced violence in childhood, and in such situations he does not know what to do.

4. Conformal behavior, avoidance of conflict at any cost

The silencer does not want to "aggravate". There is a false belief within him that "it would be worse" if he intervened and protected the Sacrifice. Behind this is avoiding difficulties and relinquishing responsibility. It is a convenient rationalization of one's own weakness.

5. Benefit

Sometimes this situation is simply beneficial for the Silent. For example, a partner's anger is directed at the child, not at him. And against the background of the devalued and turned into a "monster" of the Victim, one can appear in a favorable light. The Silent maintains good relations with both participants in the drama: the Persecutor thinks that the Silent agrees, and the Victim thinks that the Silent sympathizes and regrets. Conveniently!

But whatever the Silent person's reasons for being in such a role, he is not relieved of responsibility for what is happening. We are not only responsible for what we do. But also for what we do not do

Expert opinion

Silent misery

Quite often the silent ones suffer the most: they are not heard, and they cut themselves off from the world precisely because they stopped hoping that there could be better. But it has long been known that the quality of life (life satisfaction) ultimately depends on how happy a person is in a relationship, and primarily in a family. And even if your silence does not add suffering to other people, ask yourself: are you happy with your life? Yes? And if not, what would you like to change?

It is not always easy to start talking about yourself, about your needs or principles: everyone is already accustomed to the fact that you are silent, and may not immediately understand. And here a competent psychologist will come in handy who will help you start changing the situation in your favor, so that you feel safe and the good that is already there is not destroyed. But the main thing is to make a decision: to want to improve your life and believe that this is possible.

Irina UDALTSOVA,

individual and family psychotherapist