8 Secrets Of Happy Families - Relations

Leo Tolstoy argued that "all happy families are equally happy, and every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." And if you adhere to his opinion, then happiness is the same for everyone. From the point of view of psychology and individual-typological personality traits, this is at least controversial. Are there any secrets or universal recommendations for building a successful relationship in a couple? Psychologist Irina Yapina is thinking.

Many of us want to create our own nest called "family", to make it cozy and comfortable. And if at first, meeting, enjoying communication, touching, common desires, we do not have a particularly good idea that loving and organizing life in one space are different concepts, then then the questions “How to be? And what to do? " make up most of our thinking.

We invite you to get acquainted with the rules that will nullify quarrels and mutual discontent. They have lined up over the years of psychological counseling. And now they only slightly change depending on the needs, age, social status of clients. Here they are:

• 1. Maintain family traditions.
• 2. Have common / similar hobbies.
• 3. Determine your territory for each family member.
• 4. To impose a ban on negative reviews about parents of partners.
• 5. Separate responsibilities and areas of responsibility.
• 6. Praise each other, rejoice in any successful business.
• 7. Dream and plan together.
• 8. Unconditionally trust each other.

Let's analyze each rule separately

1. Family traditions

At the reception, a young girl about to get divorced. Sits, cries and clearly does not want to part with her husband. We find out that marriage in the first year of the institute helped the partners to overcome all difficulties: together they passed exams, coursework, practice. They supported each other, did not eat or sleep together, studied and passed. Have learned. We got the job. In different places. And that's all. Nothing else in common. During my studies, the family had a strong common foundation, which consisted of systematic recurring events. For example, this young married couple had a tradition: if both passed the exam as "excellent", then they went to the cinema and ate their favorite salted popcorn. And since they were diligent students, this was repeated quite often. This became a tradition and created the foundation of their family.

Workshop

We create and maintain traditions

We draw a house, under it are large rectangles, denoting a strong foundation. Home is a family. Foundation is its foundation. We are looking for reasons why you could buy this salty popcorn or cook it yourself at home (as an option, and a unifying one) and fix it with systematic repetitions. Found. “We can celebrate our graduation from the institute like this,” the girl says and writes in one block of the foundation under the house: “Popcorn every year on July 12th”. “Wonderful, but it won't be enough,” I say, and the girl no longer cries. She recalls that once a month they visit one and the other parents for two days in a row. We enter into another block of the foundation "Visiting Parents". “And every Sunday Ilya prepares cocoa for me in the morning,” Anna adds to her memories.

So, brick by brick, family traditions are formed, its foundation is being built. Gradually, they become overgrown with accompanying activities that unite, strengthen and identify the family. The search for favorite flowers for the wife's mother, the joy of the mother and her gratitude reinforce the tradition. Cocoa in the morning helps to start the day with hugs and tenderness and so on. Traditions are valuable not only for an individual family, but also for entire peoples and nations.

2. Common / similar hobbies of partners

When Samantha and Anton met, Samantha perceived Anton's hobby for cycling as a sign of masculinity. After the wedding, Anton's hobby began to annoy Samantha, since she herself not only in the mountains, but generally did not know how to ride a bicycle, preferring the comfort and coziness of expensive taxis.

Workshop

We find common interests in hobbies

How to make a hobby of one of the partners connect a couple? To do this, we need to draw the next row of bricks in our house, adding them to the foundation. And to write in them hobbies that will become common. In our story, Samantha began to take an interest in amateur cycling from the point of view of searching the Internet for venues and compiling photo reports on social networks. This allowed her to still feel proud of her husband's successes, but now also share the joy of victory.

3. Own territory

The division of shared housing into personal zones is primarily the prerogative of interior designers. However, each family member should have their own space from the point of view of psychology. And this is more a law than a rule.

In the chair across from me sits a large man, so big that you can't even see the chair underneath. But his majesty is denied by his lowered shoulders and a sad statement that even a cat has its own rug, but he has no place in his wife's house. Being part of the family of his current wife already at a not very young age, Alexander knew that his wife had a son from a previous marriage and the same cat that, having moved to her city, he would naturally live in his wife's apartment. But Elena did not bother that Alexander would have his place in their joint home. It is difficult to say how such a relationship will develop in the future, since Elena refused to come to an invitation to a family consultation …

Workshop

We determine a place for each family member

To have a separate work desk, a chair and a place in the kitchen assigned to you, your own shelf in the closet and other personal areas is not only convenience, comfort, but also psychological safety. Providing a personal area is also important to consider when children appear in a family.

4. Ban on negative feedback about parents

Perhaps the most vulnerable place in the relationship of partners is the stories of their children's families and the imperfections left in them. At the beginning of building relationships, this topic is compensated for in new relationships by either silence or touchy stories.

For example, her daughter's dissatisfaction with her dad about the fact that he forced her to enter a law school and she is now forced to work hard at an unloved job. Of course, this girl's boyfriend perceives dad as an offender. But, having found a defender and a "vest" for splashing out childhood grievances, the girl calms down, completing the story of entering an unwanted university. The guy, on the other hand, remembers the girl's dad in the form of an enemy, and this may become a reason for resentment in the future.

Workshop

We accept the story of another

Banning bad reviews of a partner's parents should be taken as law, not as a rule. Supplement it with the following: respecting the story of the other / accepting the story of the other. This will help to avoid large cracks in the foundation under the "Family" house.

5. Duties and areas of responsibility

At this point, I foresee possible disagreements and statements about modern interchangeability and versatility. I can admit that the chaos in the organization of family life may attract some couples. However, family life management creates stability, and stability creates confidence. Knowing what is planned and how is always reassuring. And the state of rest is difficult to imagine in conditions of irritation and constant doubt.

Workshop

We define responsibilities

And again we take up a pencil. The next block of the foundation of the drawn house will make up our responsibilities. For example, the wife pays the utility bills, the husband purchases food and industrial goods for the family, shopping and travel happen together. The points of such a scheme can be anything, but it would be good to define areas of responsibility right away.

6. Success and praise

It is a skill that should be learned and honed throughout your life. I know a very old couple in which, at every opportunity, the wife, stroking her husband on the shoulder, with glowing warmth and joyful eyes, tells everyone that only her Petya knows how to choose sweet cherries in the market. They are both over eighty. And Petya straightens his back at these words, as if throwing off several years.

Workshop

Learning to be happy for loved ones

As you can imagine, praise, emphasizing skills and merits, the ability to enjoy the success of another is very motivating. This is very important in families with children. In this case, this rule serves as a tool for education and instilling organization and purposefulness. This means that another block in our house will be a reminder that we need to praise loved ones and do not forget about it.

7. Shared dreams

Once a couple who had lived together for five years came to me for a consultation. Both after thirty. No kids. There is no home, they rent an apartment. They worked a lot, saved money separately. They saved up and began to quarrel. "Have you dreamed of something?" - I ask both. The answer is yes, in childhood. And in life together, it turns out that no. The need to work and save money was taken for granted and mistakenly perceived as a common cause (similar to the rule about joint hobbies), but everyone had their own goals. And on long autumn evenings, they talked about where it is more profitable to invest money, but did not plan what would happen next.

At the consultation, they first told each other about their dreams. He wanted to buy a van, go to remote work and travel, she wanted to buy a country house and plant hyacinths.

Workshop

We plan together

The board will help you create common dreams and plans. A regular blackboard with chalk, just modified for home. Write down all your wishes on it, and then discuss together. For example, you can write how you want to spend the next weekend or vacation, how you see your house in the future, or what you would like to receive for your birthday. This planning will strengthen the family foundation.

8. Unconditional trust

Relationships in each pair are built individually. They are complemented by communication and closeness with other family members. Think about who exactly - your wife / husband, children, parents you have built a warm, sympathetic relationship with. And who exactly now can you entrust your dreams to, whom you can rely on and not worry about.

Workshop

We trust

Unconditional trust defines great responsibility. And these connections are not formed overnight. But they will be the final building block of the family home that you and your partner will build.

And I would like to end this article with a wish from Bernard Shaw: "Be happy so that you have no time to think that you are unhappy."