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Video: Family Show Escape - Society
In the life of every couple, a moment inevitably comes when children grow up and fly away from the nest. This often brings a sense of emptiness and loss. How can you now spend the time you used to spend with children? And not always there is a desire to do things that have long been abandoned, go on a trip or just relax. At this point, parents and children will have to go through the separation process.
All the best for children
“I raised you, because of you I didn’t sleep at night, and you go by train…” - remember this phrase from the famous cartoon? The comedy of "Prostokvashino" is that Uncle Fyodor grew up much earlier than his age, even his name is exaggeratedly adult. But his mother's reaction is too similar to how mothers sometimes communicate with their grown children, even when they grow up quite in time. And it's not so funny anymore …
"Being a parent means sacrificing yourself for raising children." Such a dubious truth has taken root in the minds of many generations of compatriots. This is partly due to our mentality, which is generally focused on self-sacrifice, heroism and suffering. Right now, that generation of people is growing up, for the sake of whom parents went on real feats during periods of political and economic instability. In families that managed to live in abundance in times of crisis, mothers left work in order to fully devote themselves to their children and not injure them with kindergartens.
In less prosperous families, parents disappeared for days at work, just to provide the child with a comfortable existence. Now it looks as if the children were left head over heels in debt to the “ancestors”.
Who owes whom?
It is not customary to talk about this. The mother or father will not seriously charge the child, translating missed career opportunities, stress or wasted time into monetary value. But the sense of duty lives on with the parents. As a result, the older generation often unconsciously demands compensation: in the form of household errands, regular “checks” of the young family - and sometimes in the form of such desperate statements that were periodically escaped from the lips of Uncle Fedor's mother.
With age comes the time when we have to part with something every day
At the same time, the belief is deeply rooted in children that they will be indebted to the people who gave them life all their lives. You can observe how young people grow up later: they continue to live with their parents, receive financial support from them, or, if they lead an independent life, make all decisions only with the consent of their elders. Many people find this really convenient, but it can be assumed that on an unconscious level, late growing up is a kind of way to pay off debt.
The later the child decides to grow up, the longer he will delay the moment of painful separation. There are families in which this moment never comes.
We want "as it was"
The growing up of children is one of those periods in the life of a family when the time comes to change, to rebuild the internal system of interaction.
The natural passage of time or unforeseen events can greatly affect the relationship between relatives and pose new challenges for them. And when a family is able to adequately respond to objective changes, it can be called healthy and strong.
Unfortunately, a more common situation is when the family system seeks to maintain balance at all costs. In such a situation, a child at any age will be considered a baby, he will be pulled back "under the wing", try to take care of and educate.
Sometimes the parents' marriage is held solely by the children, and their reluctance to send their children on an independent voyage may be caused by the fear of being alone with their marital problems. For grandparents, grandchildren are often the only reason to feel needed and to communicate with their own, long-standing adult children. The unwillingness to let them go is quite natural, and it is very difficult to overcome it. It would be rash to blame individual family members for this: the whole family is involved in this process, including those who least like the situation.
Heart demands Change
According to the laws of the family system, the situation can be changed even if only one family member starts to change. It will be difficult: you will have to overcome the pressure and pull of familiar relationships.
It is very important to see the bigger picture of what is happening and start to express yourself in a new way in the family.
The entire system will also have to rebuild if its elements want to stay together. As a rule, the task of change is faced by those who most of all experience the hardships of an outdated relationship model. The exception is small children, who most vividly experience pathological processes in the family due to the vulnerability of their psyche, but at the same time are not able to influence this. In a situation of conflict between parents and adult children, the younger generation often turns to a psychologist for help.
Where does adulthood come from?
The basis of adulthood is independence. Getting it is a two-way and interdependent process. On the one hand, the child takes it himself. On the other hand, his parents endow it with it throughout the entire period of upbringing in the family. But in order to endow children with independence, parents themselves must be mature, separated individuals. After all, it is impossible to give to another what you do not have!
However, family myths and beliefs, stereotypes, difficult family history and many other reasons often stand in the way of parents' own separation from their ancestors. The study of family history helps to see them, since this tradition arises in the clan for a reason, but due to difficult life circumstances that threaten the clan with cessation of development. War, repression, natural disasters, famine, epidemics - all this leaves its mark on the family and forces parents to keep even adult children with them for fear of losing them.
However, parents who have not endowed the child with independence should be pitied. No matter how confident, dominant and submissive they may seem, they often suffer greatly, looking at the efforts with which their child creates and maintains his own family and endangers the development of an entire branch of the family tree.
Young people can be depressed that they are constantly interfering in their lives, but a simple "escape from the chicken coop" will not help matters: if an adult child simply breaks off relations with his parents without understanding them, he will most likely repeat the same mistakes in his own marital couple and with their children.
WHAT TO DO
Take it for granted that every adult is responsible for himself. If the parents sacrificed themselves at some point, it was their decision, and they are responsible for it, not you.
Parents are indebted to their children, not vice versa. This is the law of nature: mother and father are obliged to put the child on his feet and teach him to live independently.
If one of the family members is not satisfied with how the relationship is developing, his task is to start changing himself, and not look for the culprit. Track your habitual reactions: how do you usually express dissatisfaction or, conversely, hide it? In each conflict situation, come up with alternative ways of behaving.
Build your self-esteem and social standing. Take responsibility for your life, make tough decisions and make your own mistakes, learn to take care of yourself. It is important to feel like an accomplished person yourself, and then you won't have to prove anything to anyone.
To achieve a balance, parents must realize that raising children is not built on the principle of a bank deposit with interest. Your children should pass on the invested energy to their grandchildren.
In the separation of adult children, the negotiation process plays a much greater role than with children, the negotiation of conditions and the development of rules. And the first thing to agree on is who and how understands “debt” and “contribution”.
Family rituals are the most important means of supporting emotional separation. They reduce anxiety, and hence the resistance of the parties, create a sense of stability. Any ritual is suitable: Sunday meetings at the laid table, playing poker together, going to the theater, celebrating birthdays.
If you really want to "empower" your child, avoid double, conflicting messages. A great message is a promise of support and acceptance in all situations. The certainty that its doors are open makes us stronger as an adult.
In the mid-1950s, American researcher Evelyn Duvall developed criteria for adult relationships in the family. Members of such a family:
- listen to each other,
- have their own feelings and thoughts,
- exchange ideas and come to an agreement,
- ask each other before making a decision,
- without fear, agree or disagree with each other,
- adjust to each other,
- fight for what is "right" and "good" for each of them, discuss the plan and only then give it a go,
- share feelings, needs and desires,
- know how to accept "yes" with gratitude, and "no" - easily and without offense,
- flexibly, without getting stuck pass from one experience to another,
- give up the impossible
- can laugh at themselves,
- influence each other,
- support each other's interests and projects,
- proud of each other's achievements and compassion for failures,
- respect mutual sovereignty, but come to the rescue if the other is hard,
- remember the problems of the other,
- dream together.
Taking into account Russian economic realities, grown-up children do not always leave their parents. But emotional separation is not about freeing up living space. Researchers call it a decrease in dependence on the emotional states of a significant other (including parental approval or disapproval).
Practical psychologists say more simply - this is the ability to recognize one's own feelings and states and the ability to say “no” without breaking a relationship. So, you can live in the same apartment with your parents and be emotionally independent from them.
To achieve emotional separation, you need to grow up. And for both children and parents. An “adult” is able to take responsibility for his feelings, thoughts and actions, has an inner reasonable independence from other people's judgments, knows how to distinguish reality from fiction and adapt quite flexibly to circumstances, has self-criticism.
In addition, he strives for spirituality, that is, a harmonious relationship with the world, comprehending the meaning of his life. And fosters tolerance. Do not think too much, it is solely about tolerance for the views and characteristics of other people. These are the characteristics of a mature, non-infantile personality that the prominent Russian developmental psychologist Yevgeny Ilyin gives.
Material independence is also very helpful. The situation can be mitigated by the very fact that the children have already grown up and earn their own living. It is only important that both sides understand this. After all, property relations in general are very effective factors of manipulation and retention.