How Not To Raise A Loser - Society

All dads and moms want their child to grow up purposeful, free and successful, active and interested in life. What are we, parents, doing wrong, why do our love and care often go sideways?

Our reflection

Children are very empathetic beings. On the one hand, they live in a different world from that in which adults live. Modern types of communication make their view of the world special. On the other hand, a parent is a model for a child; style of behavior, way of thinking, manner of communication are adopted and become his own. This is true for both boys and girls. A hysterical mother and son will become hysterical.

Both of these aspects need to be considered. On the one hand, to accept the modern world of the child, excluding its negative impact (endless "sitting" in social networks, computer games, etc.), on the other hand, to correct their behavior. As the English proverb says: “Don't bring up a child, he will still be like you. Educate yourself. " It is impossible for a child to impose a pattern of behavior that is contrary to your own life.

Hymn to imperfection

I very seriously object to the pursuit of excellence that some doctors and psychologists adhere to when working with people. I have never met a perfect human being and do not expect to ever meet one. Perhaps it is the imperfection that you are trying to take away from the person that gives him the charm, which makes it possible to distinguish this individual and remember him.

Milton Erickson

To raise a loser, you need to work:

• Take care of the child, take no risks, give everything or almost everything he asks for. This will make him a "greenhouse", and going into an independent life is meaningless. Everything is so good - what to strive for?
• Make sure that there is no need for the child to perform at least some actions on his own. When he grows up, he will not have any skills for independent living or for earning money.
• Do not set him any tasks, do not allocate areas of responsibility, do not limit his material dependence on the family of his parents. The longer and stronger this attachment, the more terrible it is to let go of the parental hand that leads through life.
• From infancy to convince him that he will fail. There can be many reasons - from the fact that we live in the "country of idiots" to "where are you going - have you seen yourself in the mirror?", And "you can get to a good job only through bed."
• In good faith, make him the only child in the family and the grandchild of his grandparents.
• Lead by example.

Often, raising their child, moms and dads do not predict his future in any way. But in every business there must be goals: short-term and long-term. Then it will be clear where to go, what means to use and what will happen if the goal is not achieved. Parents can and should see and realize the tendencies of their child to one or another direction of activity.

If the kid draws, watch how it develops. If he sees objects well in volume, perhaps architecture is closer to him. If he has a great sense of color, it might be a design. If he loves to sculpt, design, then there is an engineering streak.

It is not at all necessary to choose one direction once and for all. Each talent can be used in dozens of different ways. The parents' job is to help and contribute: to artists to buy paper and paints, to throw books with interesting logic puzzles for little lovers of mathematics.

Main rules:

You need to be attentive to the child

This does not mean that he should always be under control. Not at all. Parents observe development, teach to overcome difficulties, offer various options for resolving issues.

You shouldn't hang your unfulfilled dreams on the child

He is a person, and he needs you to guide in accordance with his data. Make your dreams come true! And then the child will have a great example of how a dream turns into reality: what and how to do in order to achieve success in life.

Become a companion in development

Having children is a great opportunity for parents. Age obliged you to be responsible for the life and health of your family. Otherwise, parents are no different from children. Our life, development, thirst for knowledge should not diminish over the years. On the contrary. After all, time passes, and there are still so many beautiful things that have not been explored.

Trust

You are raising your child to be a good person, remember this. When he has conflicts, take his side and sort it out. Even if he is wrong, you will have the opportunity to discuss the situation with him so that he does not get confused and can correct the mistake.

Listen

If the child wants to talk, listen. Even if not interested. By this, he pronounces the situation and finds a solution for himself, and he also trusts you. It's priceless!

Communicate your expectations

But remember, they must be valid. It is impossible to expect ballet steps from a mathematician. Your hopes are not about you, but about him. They are needed as a guide, it is the science of setting goals. A small person does not want to study at all, because he does not understand why it is needed. You are like a beacon for a ship. Shines, smiles, praises - the child is happy to get down to business. Dims - and hands fall.

Don't worry about what you didn't give

This is also an experience - not having something. Whether we are talking about section circles or about personal time. Each has its own path with flat areas and bumps. Let the child develop in the conditions that he has. Do not worry.

Love

For real. Hug, spend time together, become interested in each other. Get involved in his life. Take a genuine interest in him as a person.

Discuss

All. From why the train does not fall off the rails, to the possibility of living on other planets. Ask for his opinion on various occasions.

“Failure is not a crime; it is criminal to set goals below your own capabilities. "

James Russell Lowell

As puberty approaches, let's have more freedom

This does not apply to things that are dangerous to life and health. It's about choosing interests, realizing free time and being able to be alone with yourself. It is important to be able to hear yourself. And really it is only in silence.

Do not be offended and do not hurt

In adolescence, a teenager experiences stress. The hormonal system is undergoing rebuilding. Reactions to ordinary situations can be unexpected and harsh. The child himself is frightened by this, becomes isolated, does not see a way out. Parents should be the mainstay at this difficult stage. The life of a teenager and the quality of your relationship in the future depends on it. Interests discovered in childhood can soften the complexity of this period, they will become a fulcrum.

You should not violently knock on a closed door and constantly bring him into contact,

get used to the idea that your baby has grown. Of course, this is not the case yet, but very soon the moment will come when it will be necessary to let go.

High school student is a formed personality

And even though some habits still give out a child in him, he can already build logical chains and understand what action will lead to what. The only thing you can do for him is to warn him. For example, that while he is studying, you provide him, and if he decides to look for himself by alternative methods, then they should contain a source of income. This is one of the options. The main thing is to negotiate the rules of the game and follow them. Then the child will have the motivation to move and an understandable scheme of actions.

It happens that parents never found the time to discover talents in their own children, to focus their view of the world, and only by high school did they decide to realize their vision of its future. Late. The best thing to do in this case is to leave it alone. Most likely, he himself will find ways to take place. After all, this is no longer a child.

It is worth remembering that children are our reflection. It is important to be sensitive to changes in the child. Not punishment, but understanding, correcting one's own shortcomings. Find a thread that binds you closely, and do not let the storms of life break it.

EXPERT OPINION

Parent or friend?

At first, parents provide us with the opportunity to live the experience that lies at the foundation of the personality. A simple example. The baby fell. One of us will say, “Get up. It doesn't hurt at all. " And the other will ask: "Are you in pain?" That is, he will not give instructions, but will simply be there to help. And it will provide the baby with the opportunity, as gestalt therapists say, to face the pain and live it. How to proceed? To save the child from the "horrors" of the world or give a chance to make mistakes yourself?

I think that one of the global tasks of an adult is to create conditions for the maximum accumulation of research, attempts, trials, acquaintances and experiencing emotions and feelings. Recently, I often hear from my parents: "My child and I are friends." Under this slogan, they set the traps of total control, depriving the little person of personal space, or even shift responsibility ("Decide for yourself").

But there can be so much freedom of choice that children are confused. On the other hand, children take great pride in their friendship with their parents. But here it is very important to determine what comes first - a friend or a parent.

Olga DYACHUK,

psychologist

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