Eternal Debt To Parents - Society

Parents are the most important people to us. They gave us life, educated and raised us. Someone loves their parents, someone is afraid of them, and someone openly hates them. These are very human feelings. Not good and not bad. They just are. Duty to parents is another matter. It's not really a feeling. This is what needs to be given. But do we owe our parents something?

Not for self-interest

Nobody asks a child if he wants to be born. He simply does not exist, which means that there is no one to ask. Parents-to-be is influenced by many factors: their own mothers and fathers asking for grandchildren; desire to keep a partner next to you with the help of the child; fear of loneliness; the opportunity to shift the child's care for his material well-being in the future. And, most importantly, the ingrained idea in society that children are supposed to have children by a certain age.

From the moment the decision is made to leave the pregnancy, the parents must. They must feed, drink, clothe, entertain, worry, teach, protect. Spend and invest your health, nerves and money in the baby. Where is the line between when it is done out of love, and when - out of a sense of duty or to get a "glass of water"?

Long term investment

Having a baby is not a deal when partners are clearly aware of what they are doing. This is more like a risky investment project, when two adults have a rough idea of what awaits them. For example, what difficulties and joys they will face in the process, what restrictions such a decision will bring to their lives, what bonuses they will be able to receive.

It's like planting a tree. Spend money on seedlings, water, land, fertilizers. Invest time and effort over several years, not knowing for sure whether the tree will bear fruit, worry that the sun will burn it or be beaten by hail, hoping for a cozy shade from its crown.

The tree owes nothing to the person who planted it. It grows as it wants and how it can. And it depends very much on the quality of the water, the softness of the soil and the balance of fertilizers.

Interests rise

Of course, from a certain age, the child becomes a must. Must follow the instructions and requests of parents, eat, sleep on time, follow safety rules and cohabitation. He also has to study, help with the housework, clean the room.

As he grows up, the list of things to do will grow. But these responsibilities arise not because he voluntarily assumed them, but because the responsibility for him lies entirely with the parents. However, the power over him also belongs to them. As in an old joke:

- Dad, I want to do ballet!

- No, sonny, it's dangerous.

- But why?!

- I'll break your legs.

Sacred loan

As the child grows up, responsibility is gradually transferred to him. What he owed before is now his choice. Or it doesn't. With an adult, after all, how? You won't put it in a corner, you won't deprive your pocket money, you won't take away your computer. As responsibility grows, so does power over one's own life.

This is where the most delicate moments about the duty to parents arise. When there is no power, it always comes to duty. Better sacred. And here one cannot avoid talking about feelings of guilt (“I didn’t sleep over you at night”), shame (“you will bring your father to the grave”), fear (“we will no longer love you”). These are the “best” tools for regaining power over another, already an adult, person.

Duty to parents grows out of parental expectations. Therefore, mothers and fathers, who want to get the maximum from their child in old age, can inspire him from the cradle how much he owes and how exactly he can return this loan. After all, parents still want to get their dividends from the investment and give the child happiness in their own mind. I would like to decide which girl to meet with my son, whom to marry my daughter, which university to go to, which profession to choose.

PhD in guilt

A young woman wrote her Ph. D. thesis for several years and, because of this, denied herself a successful career and a successful marriage. When she defended herself, she took the certificate and the badge of the candidate of sciences to her dad, "paid the debt." The father, a prominent scientist, really wanted to tell in a circle of colleagues that his daughter is a candidate of sciences …

In this story, everyone lost. A girl who, for the sake of a sense of duty and guilt, did what she really did not want. A father who, filled with a sense of pride, suffered from the fact that his daughter never got married and grieved for the man whom she had refused earlier. And perhaps she did not marry just to spite her dad. The cycle of feelings of guilt in a single family. What goes around comes around…

Share love

Feelings of guilt, shame, fear are very helpful. They help us to remain human. It's bad when there are too many of them. In this case, they paralyze, and we forget ourselves.

If I am loved in childhood and not burdened with obligation, by a certain age I can and want not only to take, but also to give. To give, not obeying the fear of being rejected, but out of a sense of inner fullness. I really want to take care of my parents, I want to support them in old age, I want to share my warmth and tenderness. Because I know that I am dear to them and loved by them. And they, in turn, are also loved and dear to me. Is it a duty? Most probably not. This is my need, my sincere, free desire.

Own life

Both parents and children face the same tasks - to accurately understand their needs, desires and expectations, take care of themselves, defend their boundaries and respect the boundaries of loved ones.

Parents give life to the child. Probably the only duty a child has is to live his life the way he wants. And it’s his life.

I really like freedom and don't like being obligated. Sincere feelings of gratitude and appreciation bring much more pleasure. Alongside the sense of duty is always guilt and fear of punishment. Along with gratitude, there is always tenderness and love.