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Video: Love Or Codependency? - Relations
Many people confuse love and codependent relationships. And the difference between them is huge! In the first case, relations are based on equality and mutual respect. And in the second - on the feeling of guilt, duty and manipulation. How not to be mistaken and distinguish love from addiction?
In a codependent relationship, one of the spouses always takes the place of the victim, and the other, accordingly, the persecutor. Or one is the rescuer and the other is the victim.
The classic example of a codependent relationship is the alcoholic and his wife. At first glance, a bad hero is an alcoholic or a person with any other addiction (drug addict, gambling addict, etc.). He drinks, does not love his wife, but the woman endures everything and saves him.
The alcoholic in this case, the addict, is the victim in the Karpman triangle. He is deeply unhappy, the whole world is against him, and there is no justice. The wife takes the role of a rescuer with a luminous halo above her head. She is good, correct and holy. Only in this situation both parties have their own benefits.
The alcoholic shifted responsibility for his life onto his wife, sat on her neck and took the position of the helpless and infirm. His wife put on Batman's cloak and flew to save her soul mate
As a rule, such wives (and mostly women are the rescuers) "drag" their partner in drug treatment, psychics, shamans and voodoo sorcerers, because "he just stumbled, who does not happen, he will die without me." And they themselves turn into a kind of drug addicts - they get high from the sense of their own worth and holiness.
How long do you think this relationship will last? No, not until the woman gets tired of it, but for now it is profitable for her and she will not begin to receive her pleasure from another sphere of life.
Codependent relationships can arise for two main reasons:
- Early childhood: when a child needed to earn love, not get it because he is him.
- Parental scenario: if a girl's dad is an alcoholic, and her mother is a classic rescuer, then there is a high probability that the girl will enter into a similar relationship over the years. It's just that the husband will no longer be an alcoholic, but, for example, a gamer.
5 signs of a codependent relationship
- 1. In codependent relationships, the life position of their participants is rather narrow: “I will die if you leave, because you are the meaning of my life. And even if we feel bad together, being apart is unbearable, so we'd better continue to torture each other. "
- 2. Relationships are built vertically, that is, one is always on the pedestal, and the other is always with him.
- 3. A lot of jealousy, complaints, reproaches and feelings of guilt, there is no constructive dialogue, but old grievances are often recalled.
- 4. In a codependent relationship, each pulls the blanket over himself, entrusting the other with the function of a rescuer and Batman in one bottle.
- 5. One is always afraid of losing the other, so he goes out of his way to be perfect, meet expectations and become irreplaceable.
5 signs of a mature relationship
- 1. In mature relationships, the life position of their participants is different: “I am happy with you, as happy without you, but I am glad that you are near. I choose you because we are good together. "
- 2. Each partner accepts his soul mate as it is and does not try to change it.
- 3. Mature relationships are full of respect for both the person and their boundaries.
- 4. An important feature is heart-to-heart conversations with finding compromises without mutual accusations.
- 5. People are there simply because they are comfortable and comfortable, they do not expect the supernatural from each other, take into account the interests of their partner and do what brings pleasure to both, but remain themselves.
As you can see, codependent relationships are a heavy burden that sooner or later will sink to the bottom. It is undoubtedly necessary to get out of them. Try to take a mature attitude and understand that you are you and the other person is the other person. Respect him, love him, but do not dissolve in him, do not lose yourself, but be partners in the truest sense of the word.