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Video: How To Leave Your Parents - Society
It's never too late to start. If in adolescence separation is a natural process, then adult children are forced to make considerable efforts to separate from their parents. And to do this as consciously as possible, so that emotional separation does not turn into flight and breakup.
This is the second part of Eugene Ryabovol's article. For more on where infantile adults come from, see Lost in Childhood.
“We put so much effort into your upbringing, and where is the gratitude ?!” A familiar claim, isn't it? "You didn't love me, everyone forbade me and did not support me in anything!" A familiar answer? Variants are possible, but the pattern of mutual claims in a separation conflict is often typical: parents want to return what they have invested in, children are offended by the lack of independence and support. In other words, the parents want the debt to be repaid, and the children want the contribution to be much greater.
"Duty" and "contribution" are the basic concepts of balance in the relationship between adult children and parents. Of course, we are not talking about money, but about effort, energy.
To achieve a balance, parents must realize that raising children is not built on the principle of a bank deposit. These investments are not made in order to receive them with interest in old age. Your children should pass on the energy you put in to their grandchildren. It is she who serves as fuel for the further development of the genus. And if its flow is reversed, the children will not have enough strength for separation and procreation.
Growing up children, it is absolutely necessary to understand that their parents have invested in them exactly as much as they had. Again, because you cannot give to another what you do not have.
Reaching a sense of gratitude towards your parents is not easy when old grudges stand between you. There are no easy solutions along the way. And it is better to move along it in cooperation with a specialist - psychologist, psychotherapist. The reward for the walker will be great relief and the ability to gratefully say to the parents the words of the famous Bert Hellinger: “You gave me everything you could. I'll do the rest myself."
In the separation of adult children, the negotiation process plays a much greater role than with children. Those, which in the Western tradition are called negotiations (eng. "Coordination, bargaining"). They are based on negotiating conditions and developing rules. And the first thing to agree on is who and how understands “debt” and “contribution”.
What will make separation easier?
Material independence. The situation can be mitigated by the very fact that the children have already grown up and earn their own living. It is only important that both sides understand this. By the way, it is not useless to understand that money and property relations in general are very effective factors of manipulation, retention, and imposition of a ban on separation.
Family rituals are the most important means of supporting emotional separation. They reduce separation anxiety, and hence the resistance of the parties, since they create a sense of stability against the background of changes. Any form of enjoyable family ritual will do: Sunday table dinners, playing poker together, going to the theater, and celebrating birthdays and holidays. It is important to agree and translate them into the category of family rules.
Advice for parents of grown children. If you really want to "empower" your child, avoid double, conflicting messages. Saying “yes, but” only leads to devaluation of his efforts. Believe me, your assessment is still very important to him.
A great message for grown-up children is the promise of support and acceptance in any of the most challenging situations. As we grow up, we never return to our parental home, but the belief that its doors are open makes us stronger as an adult.