The Child Does Not Let Me Go! - The Quality Of Life

"Little kids are little trouble." As you grow older, more and more difficulties appear. Anxiety for the baby was mainly caused by the “everyday” moments associated with care: the temperature of the water in the bath, irritation on the skin, etc. But over time, the psychological factor comes into play, the question arises: “How can I build relationships with the child? How to communicate?"

Mom, stay

The kid grows up, begins to show character, to declare his interests, to say his first "No!" and take offense at mom. It takes a lot of patience and love to accept this. And what a paradox: a grown-up child wants more independence, but at the same time does not let his mother go!

For many months the mother's life revolves around the baby in one way or another - this is a strong bond for both of them. When the baby has grown up, the mother decides that now she is more free - it's time to do other things as well. But it was not there! The child does not even allow him to go to the store - he cries, persuades him to stay or take him with him, which is not always possible.

And some children cannot let their mother go, even inside the apartment: they follow her to the kitchen, play in the bathroom while she takes a shower, and even ask to keep the toilet door open. And any attempt on the part of the mother to gain greater freedom is perceived as rejection: "Mom, you do not love me!"

Trying to restrain mom, this seemingly toddler shows tremendous willpower and perseverance! In some families, they even begin to find out - who is he like? - and the spouses begin to shift the “blame” on each other and on their relatives: “Just like your mother!”, “Who is he so similar to stubbornness?”

In fact, the answer here is "To us all." Because we were all the same at one time. This situation in itself is not a reason to sound the alarm. This, of course, is hard for the whole family - but there is nothing wrong with that. This is a natural stage of development, through which every child - and mother too - must go through.

A stubborn child is the result of the mother's unreasonable behavior

Janusz Korczak

Walk away slowly

There is such a psychological concept - "separation". It means psychological separation from the mother and the acquisition of independence. This process is difficult, painful for both the child and the mother, therefore it is carried out gradually, in several stages. The following are considered key points:

Childbirth

Until that moment, mother and child were one - and now the child is physically separated. But at the same time, psychologically, energetically, he is still fused with his mother. He feels the slightest shades of her mood, the baby cannot be deceived - he knows how it really is.

As physiologically, everything that the nursing mother eats enters the baby, so psychologically the child is filled with everything that she experiences. Mother and child are two communicating vessels. That is why it is important for a mother to strive not only for bodily health, but also for psychological balance. And, returning to form, you can choose those types of physical activity that help to find psychological balance, for example Pilates, callanetics, yoga …

1 year

The child is already actively moving around the room. His relationship with his mother can be imagined as two communicating vessels, between which a partition has appeared: sometimes they are fused, and sometimes they are just adjacent.

Activity is important for a child, he discovers the world, explores it. He kind of answers internal questions: "Is this world interesting?", "What is it like?" The kid can get carried away and crawl somewhere - but with all the seeming independence, it is important for him that his mother was there, and if anything, she came to the rescue. Mother is a guarantee of safety.

The best thing we can do for a baby is to let him explore the world freely, while being present and only intervening when needed. The level of curiosity, openness, the very "craving for knowledge" is laid precisely at this age. If you now limit the activity of the kid, then later, at school, it will be useless to repeat: "Baby, study, this is interesting!" You just need to take care of the safety of the room in advance so that the baby does not even have a chance to stick his fingers into the outlet or hurt himself.

3 years

This is a difficult stage, the child is even more separated from the mother, and begins to do this in a negative way. More and more often the words "No!", "I do not want!", "I will not!" He may even shout: “Mom is bad! Mom, go away! " It is important to treat this with understanding and not be offended.

If you are offended, you have taken this game into war, dropped to the level of a kid. Just look at the situation from above, from an adult position: your child loves you no less than before. Simply in this way, firstly, he begins to defend his independence, and secondly, he tests the strength of your love: will his mother leave him if he shows self-will?

That is, the baby provokes rejection in order to understand whether he is really loved. Be condescending. And to the words "I don't love you!" you can answer: "It's a pity, because I love you." Gradually, this will pass - when the baby realizes that his growing up, gaining the right to say "No" is respected, that his mother loves him no less.

7 years

At this age, the child goes to school. He is further away from his mother, but he still needs her support and support. Do you remember how Astrid Lindgren's Kid came home and was glad that mom was always at home, she bakes cinnamon buns and you can tell her about everything, everything, everything?

The schoolboy goes beyond the family, begins to make friends with peers, he has responsibilities and responsibilities, he is getting closer to adult life - but at the same time he is still a child, and it is important for him to feel that his mother is always behind his back, he can lean on her, no matter what happens.

Adolescence

As they jokingly say, "this is a transition period from bad to worse." The teenager behaves defiantly and shockingly: strange hairstyles, outfits, hobbies … But all this is nothing more than tinsel covering the true goal - to defend his independence from his parents. And the more a teenager gets negativity from mom and dad, the more stubborn he is in his quirks.

Every parent knows that the best way to encourage their child to do something is to prohibit it: the teenager will instantly have the opposite reaction.

By the age of 17-18, inner maturity is acquired. The separation process ends. This does not mean that now the grown-up child does not need a mother and no longer loves her. It's just that now it is already a relationship of equals, a relationship between two adults.

Don't be afraid, I'm with you

Separation from the mother is accompanied by anxiety and even fear. It is they who make the baby not let go of the mother, holding her in all ways. Mom is the key to security in this as yet unknown world. How can you help your child go through the separation painlessly?

1. First, take it easy

Don't be angry with the baby. He does this not out of harm - there is fear behind his behavior.

2. Try to calm the child down

He must understand that nothing terrible will happen if mom leaves for a while. Such a crumb still has no idea of time, his thinking is very specific, therefore for him the departure of his mother is the collapse of the world, it is a complete unknown. Deep down, he believes that mom will never return.

You can calm your child as follows:

• Make it clear when you leave and what time you return. You can give the baby a watch and explain that "mom will come back when the big hand is over there." Only if you make a promise is it important to keep it! Otherwise, he won't believe it next time.
• So that the waiting time does not seem agonizingly long and so that your departure does not become a collapse of the world, you need to explain to the child what he will do during your absence. For example: “You and your dad will draw a picture with these beautiful pencils. When I come, you will show it to me, won't you? " Or: “In the meantime, your grandmother will read you a fairy tale. What fairy tale do you want to listen to? "
• The baby may unconsciously perceive your leaving as rejection - his mother does not love him, so he leaves. So it's important to explain to your child that you love him, you just might have things to do - but that doesn't make him less important. Keeping in mind the concreteness of thinking, one can give an example: “The fox mother loves her cubs, and they all live together in a cozy burrow. Sometimes the fox mom leaves the mink on business, runs through the forest, and then she always returns to her foxes, because she loves them very, very much.

3. It is useless to say to the baby such words as "work", "duties", "I have to"

For him, these words do not mean anything, he will only decide that his mother loves work more than him. You can tell in an accessible, interesting form for the kid what you are going to do. For example, you can describe your workplace: you are sitting in front of a large, large window from where you can see all of Moscow and your house too. And on the table is a flower that is about to open: I wonder what color it will be? What does the baby think?

It is worth highlighting the situations when the child is especially zealous trying to keep the mother and the listed recommendations may not be enough. In these cases, we are not talking about a regular stage of development - this is an alarming signal that something is going wrong.

It can be assumed that the baby has a strong inner sense of insecurity. In this case, it is better to contact a specialist - a child psychologist who will help to investigate and normalize the situation.

The stage of “not letting go” of the mother is difficult for both parties, but one must go through it. Otherwise - if you follow the child and his desire to be with his mother all the time - over time there will be problems with independence, with growing up, gaining maturity.

It is just important to treat the child with understanding and give him support. No wonder they say that "love works wonders." Especially if it's mother's love.

EXPERT OPINION

Chopping off the umbilical cord

There are many reasons that interfere with separation. One of them is parental overprotection and overprotection. Most parents do not understand the extremes of this behavior. First, by any means, they inspire the child with fears and anxieties about the dangers lurking at every step, so that the child listens to every parental advice and word, since they want only good. And then they grab their heads, realizing that their grown-up child cannot (or does not want) to find a job in order to support themselves financially, does not seek to get close to the second half in order to build their own family and give birth to their children, does not want to acquire serious tasks and goals a full-fledged adult.

Too many fears and anxieties in such a child have formed over the years. And mom? Mom will definitely never give up, feed, she will always be there, warn, protect, support, she will not leave in trouble. So it turns out that a sexually mature adult will always psychologically depend on his parents. The separation process did not take place.

Helga ALEXANDROVA,

personal and family psychologist