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Video: The Irregular Way - Reviews
Accept your children as they are, otherwise you risk ruining the life of both them and yourself. But the protagonist of Kirk Jones's film "All the Way" comes to this idea only at the end of his life - and then in a dream.
All the Way, USA, 2009
Director: Kirk Jones
Cast: Robert De Niro, Drew Barrymore, Kate Beckinsale
Items to be proud of
Frank is a retired factory worker and widower. He prepares the house for the arrival of his four children for a family dinner: ennobles the yard, buys expensive wine. Frank is proud to tell the doctor and shop assistants about the upcoming event. But the children take turns reporting that they will not be able to come.
Then Frank, despite the protests of the doctor, decides to go to the children and find out what is happening in their lives.
On the train, Frank shows a family photo to his fellow traveler. He is proud to announce that one of his sons is an artist, the other is a conductor, his daughter is a dancer and another one, Emmy, works for an advertising agency. Wherever possible, the old man talks about the high social status of children. But are they really so successful, and most importantly - are they happy?
Love without conditions
There is such a concept in psychology as narcissistic expansion. When a mother or father seems to take the success of their children to themselves. By voicing only the achievements of their child, the parent thereby increases his self-esteem.
Children are praised only for their successes and ignored, scolded for their lack, not supported in times of failure. This is how the child receives the message: love and accept him can only be successful.
Often, children strive for success all their lives, but they never feel satisfaction from it, since under the need to be successful lies a deeper one - to be loved. It is important for a child to be loved, appreciated and accepted. This creates a healthy self-esteem, which is a necessary survival mechanism. It is self-esteem that makes it possible to make a worthy choice of marriage partners, work partners, friends, quickly leave destructive collectives, relationships, and steadily accept criticism.
Parental love and acceptance empowers a child to live a happy and productive life. Only this productivity will not be for someone, through the strongest tension, fatigue and disappointment, but out of a deep inner need to be realized, bringing joy of creativity and satisfaction. Otherwise, you can spend time trying to achieve parental love, without starting "your" life. To love and appreciate does not mean to indulge any whims of the child. It is necessary to conduct a dialogue, hear the child, value his opinion, share the attitude towards the child and the attitude towards his actions.
Living a lie
Visiting the children, Frank notices that what he knew about the children does not correspond to reality. David's paintings were almost never sold. Robert does not conduct the whole orchestra, but "just" plays the drum, and even when he left the stage during the rehearsal, the orchestra does not notice his absence. Emmy is lying about her son, that he is an excellent student, and hides the divorce. Rosie turns out to be bisexual, with a small child in her arms, about which Frank knows nothing. That is, he does not know that he has a grandson! Together they hide from his father that David is currently under investigation in Mexico and is in the hospital due to a drug overdose …
Children want to spend more time with their father, but a false image of success prevents them from doing so. After all, then the disclosure and disappointment of the father is inevitable. And mom said: "Try to make dad proud of you!" Frank is upset by the lies of the children, but after all, Frank is lying, for example, to his doctor that he did not go anywhere and stayed at home. Emmy explains her lies to her father by simply acting like her mother: she tells the good, hides the bad.
Doesn't it get bad?
If it is customary in the family to ignore problems, lie to each other, distrust, hide important details, distort reality, the child will most likely behave the same way. Initially, the baby sees everything, both good and bad.
But if the parents stubbornly pretend that everything is good, then when in fact everything is bad, at some point the child loses the ability to see reality. After all, dad and mom are unshakable authorities, and if they said so, then it is so. And he, the child, was wrong. This is how the process of mistrusting one's own vision begins.
What is the threat? The fact that a person will in the future miss the danger signals without hearing them. All the stories about the fact that the partner was caring and decent, and then became different, are the work of this psychological mechanism. The partner did not change, it was just that the person initially missed important signals.
Being in illusions, a person sooner or later encounters strong disappointment, the longer you wear rose-colored glasses, the stronger the pain will be.
Find the main words
David dies of overdose. Having learned this, the father utters the phrase: "This is not my son!" The rejection process continues. At night, Frank has a dream where little David tells him that he does not know who he wants to become, a painter or an artist. In reality, Frank told David to try and become an artist, and then he would be proud of his son. Now, in a dream, Frank replied that he would be proud of his son anyway. It is a pity that the healing phrase was found too late.
There is a very touching moment at the end of the film. Frank returns to New York to buy David's painting. One of the landscapes shows wires stretched along the road. Frank has been dealing with wires all his life. For him, this picture is a confirmation of his value for his son.