EQ Tricks. How To Set Up Emotional Intelligence - Society

Man is able to empathize by nature. In ancient times, when people were just learning to live together, empathy was the key to survival, and today it has become the key to healthy relationships and successful teamwork. Moreover, if you want to become a real leader and lead people, it's time to forget about strict control. In today's world, it is much more important to show a sincere interest in others.

Understand other people's feelings

Psychologists from different countries and directions agree that empathy and emotional intelligence can and should be developed. Effective communication is impossible without the ability to take the position of another person. And this is not about simple sympathy, when we slap the interlocutor on the shoulder and say that everything will be fine.

The essence of empathy is to see the situation as the other sees it, to get used to his subjective picture of the world, without losing touch with his own feelings. The ability to recognize other people's thoughts and emotions is not enough, you also need to express your understanding so that the interlocutor feels it.

Empathy is one of the elements of emotional intelligence. According to research, the well-known intelligence quotient (IQ) is practically unrelated to personal and professional achievement. Instead, it is much more useful in different areas of life is EQ - emotional intelligence, which includes four components:

• awareness of their experiences,
• regulation of behavior in accordance with emotions,
• reading the state and motives of another person,
• building relationships, taking into account the internal context of the interlocutor.

All this helps to follow the "platinum rule" in communicating with people: to behave not the way we would like to be treated with us, but the way the other person really needs it.

Family relationships are based on developed emotional intelligence, and this is the first thing that spouses work out in pair psychotherapy. EQ helps the head of the company to involve subordinates in the work process, maintain their interest and find the most suitable tasks and ways of reward for each employee. With extremely low EQs, it is impossible to work in a team or respond to customer inquiries in any industry.

Seeing and feeling is to be, to think, to live

William Shakespeare

Emotional intelligence, and empathy in particular, is an innate ability for which special neurophysiological mechanisms are even provided in the human brain. Unfortunately, in the age of email and automated control systems, it is difficult to keep EQ up to the mark. However, the skill of finding contact with people is just a matter of practice and desire. It is not so difficult to set up a different type of thinking and become closer to yourself and others.

Each has two minds

“ Basically, we have two minds: one thinks, the other feels. The interaction of these two fundamentally different processes and make up our mental life. One process carried out by the rational mind is the mode of comprehension that we are usually aware of: it is more noticeable in the result (knowledge gained), saturated with thoughts, reflects the ability to rationally think and reflect.

But along with this there is another system of cognition, powerful and impulsive, although sometimes illogical - the emotional mind. The division into “emotional” and “rational” roughly corresponds to the difference between “heart” and “head”, realized at the everyday level. If we understand the correctness of something with our hearts, it forms a conviction of a different order - something like a deeper confidence - than if we are aware of the same thing with one `` mind. ''

There is always a constant indicator of change in the ratio of rational and emotional control: the stronger the feeling, the more the emotional mind prevails, the less the rational mind has an influence. A similar mechanism seems to have developed over billions of years of evolution. Emotions and intuition then governed our instantaneous reaction in deadly situations, and a break for reflection could cost our lives."

(From Daniel Goleman's book Emotional Intelligence)

Life with a "+"

The first step to openness and understanding is to set yourself up for predictable, favorable events. You are free to control your attention and choose activities that lift your mood. For example, you can go to the skating rink or attend the premiere of a new film, meet with a like-minded person. In addition, you are free not to get involved in situations in which nothing depends on your efforts.

For some, the hardest part of the process is to feel good about yourself. Excessive self-criticism, self-pity and despair erode self-esteem and weaken them. Jot down negative thoughts on paper and analyze them objectively. One of the qualities of emotionally developed people is the ability to think soberly and avoid self-flagellation using the words "never" and "worst of all."

Look for the things that make you happy: the more you feel joy and gratitude, the more resilient you become in stressful situations. Learn to fill your everyday life with reasons to smile, amuse your friends and colleagues, and even on the busiest days, leave time for your favorite activities.

Four cardinal points EQ

According to the authors of the term "emotional intelligence" Peter Salovey and John Meyer, EQ is a collection of four skills:

• Accuracy in evaluating and expressing emotions. It is the ability to identify emotions by physical condition and thoughts, by appearance and behavior. In addition, it also includes the ability to accurately express your emotions and needs associated with them to other people.
• Using emotions in mental activity. It is an understanding of how you can think more effectively using emotions. By controlling emotion, a person can change their perceptions, see the world from different angles, and solve problems more effectively.
• Understanding emotions. This is the ability to identify the source of emotions, classify emotions, recognize the connections between words and emotions, interpret the meanings of emotions related to relationships, understand complex (ambivalent) feelings, be aware of the transitions from one emotion to another and the possible further development of emotion.
• Emotion management. This is the ability to use the information that emotions give, to evoke emotions or to distance themselves from them, depending on their information content or benefit; manage your own and others' emotions.

On a wave of emotions

Once you start paying attention to your emotions, it’s time to practice some practical empathy skills. First of all, make sure that live communication in your life is no less than virtual. Meet with family, clients, and superiors face to face. Only in the "field" conditions will you have the opportunity to hone the skill of empathy.

How can we turn on the extinct neurons that are responsible for cooperation and mutual understanding?

1. Observe

Look around and watch yourself. As soon as you see in real life, in books and films, situations where people help each other out, listen to loved ones or compromise, put a tick in your mind or write it down in a diary of observations.

2. Have a conversation

When you communicate with a person, learn to think out for him how he sees the situation, what he means. But don't think of yourself as mind-reading - use empathic listening tools instead. For example, it is always appropriate to ask, "Do I understand correctly that you are disappointed?" - or: "What exactly upset you?"

3. Be interested

Learn to see something special in every person you talk to, even if you've known each other all your life. Having an interest in everyone can help you learn new things and accommodate different points of view. And the more sincere your interest is, the easier it will be to show it.

4. Experiment

There is no better way to learn to feel other people than to live their life. If you need to be imbued with the requests of clients, ask if you can come to their office, meet your colleagues. This will help you learn about the daily challenges of their lives. Listen to extraordinary lectures, participate in seminars, volunteer in different fields and countries. Such experiments will invariably enrich your inner world and open up a new level of empathy.

5. Imagine

If there is no way to live someone else's life in the real world, read more, watch films about the fate of people. Observe how fictional characters feel and imagine how you would act in their place.

Emotionally mature people are visible from afar. They glow with confidence and full of energy, they are charismatic and attract attention, even if they are not gifted with a model appearance. Attentiveness to one's own and other people's feelings fills them with inner confidence. They don't need other people's praise and approval to feel valuable and worthy.

On the other hand, the ability to take into account the feelings of other people leads them to the understanding that they are no better or worse than others - and from this understanding is born undeniable respect for others.

EXPERT OPINION

Begin with yourself

You should never try to live someone else's life: your own will pass by. In order to adequately understand others and be happy yourself, it is first of all important to learn to accept yourself, understand and recognize your own emotions and cope with them. And this can be learned! Start exploring your emotions. For example, remember and write down what feelings you have experienced over the last week, see which were more. Try to understand and articulate what triggers these emotions in you, what needs to happen to make you feel good or bad.

As a result, you will see which sides in your life need to be developed, which situations should be more, and what may require changes. And then you can either outline the next step towards change, or figure out how to increase the number of situations that give you joy … Whatever you decide, even the first step will help you look at your own emotions "from the outside" and come closer to managing them. which means to become stronger and more confident.

Irina UDALTSOVA,

psychologist

More about this

Goleman D

Emotional Intelligence. Why it can matter more than IQ.

M.: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2017.