Loss Of A Loved One: How To Live On? - Relations

The men leave. Sometimes unexpected. Sometimes forever. Or they just end the relationship. How to cope with difficult situations associated with the loss of a loved one?

Two big hits

What comes to your mind when you say "the man is gone"? There may be completely different stories behind this phrase. One woman, the morning after her husband's death, wrote on social media that he had left and would never return, that there were conflicts and now they will never be. Many rushed to calm down: they say, they will return, everyone will return. And only a gradual clarification revealed the terrible news: he will never be able to return. She was in such a state that she could not write more specifically - and was misunderstood.

Another woman wrote: "That's it, he's dead!" And only in the course of a general disturbed dialogue it became clear that he died only for her, because he had changed and was about to leave for another.

In terms of the strength of the stressful impact, these situations are on the list of favorites: the death of a loved one is in first place, and the breakdown of a long-term relationship with a partner is in second. Both death and parting are experienced according to the psychological laws of living a loss. They have a lot in common, but, of course, there are many differences, which we will talk about.

And only death will part us …

Unfortunately, people are mortal, and sometimes unexpectedly. The death of a loved one is all the more traumatic, the less opportunity you had to prepare for it. But in any case, the loss of a loved one is a huge stress. How does the mourning process take place in this case?

When I found out that Mark was hit by a car and he died on the spot, I, of course, could not believe it. Even when I visited the place where all this happened, when I went to the hospital, I still did not believe. Being at home, I sometimes froze, then began frantically to look for something. Suddenly, I realized that I needed to arrange a funeral, but there was absolutely no strength for it. I drank tea from his mug, pronounced "his" phrases. I wanted to go out the window, but it's good that my mother was there. I don't remember much at all - they told me this later.

At the funeral I was like in anesthesia - I could not cry, people even wondered why I was so “calm”, but I simply did not feel anything. After the funeral for several days, it seemed to me that I myself had died. There was no appetite, no thirst, no sleepiness. I just wanted everyone to be left alone. Mom then took the children for a few days, and a friend came to check if I had eaten anything.

Then something very unusual began to happen - I began to hear Mark walking around the apartment, how he rattled the keys at the usual time at the door. Half asleep, I seemed to feel him next to me, and when I went outside, I saw him among people. It seemed to me that I was going crazy. It's good that I came across an article in time about the fact that such a state is normal at this moment.

After about two weeks, I realized: yes, Mark is no more. No and never will. I need to handle myself. Anxiety about how to continue to live was replaced by anger. Thoughts crept into my head, which I was afraid to admit. I blamed him for leaving us. “You feel good,” I thought, “but how are we now? How could you be so sloppy crossing the road ?! " Then she jumped on how much trouble Mark had caused by her claims (and he was walking away from her). Children also got it: "if they behaved properly, he would not be so tired that day and would be more attentive." Vinyl and myself - for a lot. I am lucky to have an empathetic friend. She just listened to all this several times, without trying to stop me or shame. It gradually became easier.

Then I again fell into a hole, from which I emerged only after "forty days." But at this time I could neither sleep nor eat normally. It seemed to me that life would now always be so bleak and gray. I felt lonely, truly lonely. I tried to be closer to the children, to help them, but this was done with great difficulty. And around the end of the second month, I suddenly felt relief. I was helped by a conversation with the priest in church, communication on the Internet with those who also lost their husbands, and a few more consultations with a psychologist. I realized that this state would not last forever, and I felt better.

Over the next year, I learned to cope with my grief. Of course, it sometimes prevailed, and then I cried - but less and less and not in public. I went to work and started making good money. Children continued to study and attend their circles. Gradually, I began to notice that I wanted to put myself in order. I began to eat and sleep better. We rearranged the apartment in order to somehow update the interior, and I finally decided to remove my husband's clothes and shoes from the “asset”. And although it was not easy for me, I still learned to live without Mark. Although in difficult moments I "turn" to him, and he "answers" me. He is in my heart.

Leah, 38 years old

How can you help yourself if you are in such a difficult situation? First, allow yourself to grieve. “Pulling yourself together” is, of course, good, but often leads to the fact that a woman exhausts herself in the first weeks and then for years cannot get out of the state when life seems meaningless. She cannot learn to live anew, because she stopped in the state "I, too, kind of died." Allow yourself to cry if you cry. Do not push people away - relatives and friends. Take all the help they are willing to give. Look for help on the Internet if you can't communicate directly. Find an opportunity to work with a psychologist. If you have children, be with them in the same process. If you feel like crying, don't hold back. Talk about the deceased, remember pleasant moments. And remember - then you will manage grief, and not vice versa.

Parting by the rules

Larisa lived with her husband for about 15 years, they raised two girls. The daughters were 8 and 11 years old when Larisa's husband left. She was on vacation in another country when he sent her by text message that he was leaving for another woman. By the time they returned, his belongings were no longer in the house. Larisa seemed to have fallen into a stupor: she did not believe that this was the end. She tried to call him, then that, the other. She waited at first. Then I wrote about it on social networks so that all my friends would know. She complained to his mother.

The husband was ready for only one thing - he remains a father, wants to see daughters, can take them for the weekend. Larisa could not go to this: "If you did that, then your daughters do not need you!" No, she did not forbid them to talk on the phone, but it became clear to the girls that it was better not to do this: mom would find out what dad said, then get angry and say very bad words about him, and then she would start crying. When dad tried to come to take the girls to the movies, there was a hideous scandal.

Of course, Larisa was very worried. She even closed the door to their dormitory, moving into the girls' room. The door to the bedroom was blocked by furniture - a chest of drawers was placed there. “He died for all of us,” says Larisa. The girls are very bad: one has developed asthma, and she often suffocates, the other has joint pain so that she cannot walk.

You can already see how different these mourning situations are. If a person dies, his image is most often idealized. He is seen as a "saint" - an "iconostasis" from his photographs appears in the house. In the event that parting occurs (even if the initiator was a woman), there is a lot of anger in relation to a man, and he finds a way out in various "ugly" actions, for which he is then ashamed. And the man didn't die, he reacts just as violently!

In both cases, a woman rebuilds a relationship with a man.

In the event of death, she learns that he is “in her heart”, “communicates” with him mentally, learns in reality to do without his usual help. She leaves a place for him in her soul, gradually beginning to understand that she may have other relationships. This relationship is not with the person himself, but with his image. As for the gap, especially when there are children, here you have to build relationships anew with all the real options for material support, communication with children, use or division of common property

Sometimes women who come to work with the topic of parting admit: “It would be better if he died: he would burn out and that's it. And only good things could be said to children. " Some are horrified by this thought, plunging into guilt - but in this case, the chances of building civilized relations in the future are greater. If a woman hangs in her hatred, she broadcasts this to her children, who are ill, suffer and feel unhappy. After all, in every child, half from mom and half from dad. If the thought is imposed that dad is bad, then you yourself, it turns out, are half bad. And it's hard to live with.

To live on

How can you help yourself in a tornado of separation? Don't ask too much of yourself to get started. You are grieving, so there is no need to swagger. If you are sad, then be in this state. If you feel like crying, cry. Trusting your emotions will help you recover faster.

Perhaps you do not just want to take care of themselves, and for a while you find yourself "start". This is also no problem. After a while, you will feel the desire to transform and beautify yourself. This will be a good sign.

Remember that you are not in your best emotional state. And in it you can "break the wood", which will only allow your ex to consider how right he was in breaking up with you. It is better to keep all contact to a minimum until you realize that you have come to your senses and are able to reason reasonably.

Talk to someone who is willing to listen. Maybe it's a faithful friend, mom or a psychologist - any option will do. The main thing is that this person does not "swing" your emotions. If you feel more relaxed and confident after the conversation, this is a good sign. If anger is boiling in you (even if it is righteous) and there is a desire to take revenge, find another interlocutor next time. But it is necessary to speak out! It can be both social networks and a personal diary - the main thing is to throw out the state through words.

If you have children, try to take a civilized attitude. Do not interfere with communication with the father, do not interrogate the child afterwards, do not comment on how they spent their time, and do not take away gifts. As difficult as it may be, keep your father figure at least neutral. This way you will preserve the mental and psychological health of the child. Remember that you are no longer partners, but parents are forever.

In conclusion, I want to say: although the two events described are the most traumatic in life, the light at the end of the tunnel is still visible. Once I heard a beautiful allegory: imagine that there is a central column and many columns at the edges. And so you start winding the thread, and each time you put it on the center post. And then you take out this column … It turns out that all the threads are loose, all connections are broken.

This happens in the case of death, and in the case of separation: you need to learn to live without him. Whether with a bright memory, or with a new system of relations with living things, after a while you yourself will become a support for yourself. And then nothing will prevent you from entering a new relationship.

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