“I Don’t Want To Sit-and-ik!” - Society

“What kind of mother am I? She's crying, she doesn't want to. Why am I taking her to this damn garden? She must be feeling bad there. Otherwise she would have run there with pleasure. Maybe she's not ready yet? To drive or not to drive? I would drive if I knew for sure that she was good there. I would drive and be calm. But is that possible?"

Mom's fears

A young woman - let's call her Natalya - says this: “They ask me all the time if Masha goes to the garden. Walks. But how difficult it is. In the morning he gets up in a good mood. And as soon as I say it's time to go to the garden, she gets upset. Then he says that she has a stomach ache. Depicts gagging. I remember a childhood friend who vomited every day in the garden. I'm in panic. I can imagine how this might affect the future of my child."

Natalia is psychologically savvy, she tries to help her daughter as best she can. Voices possible thoughts and feelings of the girl, which are still difficult for a child to articulate: “Don't you want to go to the garden? Do you feel bad there without your mom? Do you miss me? Thinking about me and waiting for me? " Natalia knows that it is important to communicate the feelings of the child. But is Natalia herself getting better? No. Mom promises Masha to buy a toy, talking about it, she says: “I understand that this is a forbidden technique. But I just can't do otherwise. " “I don’t remember going to the garden. Not a single memory. It is possible that when I was collecting Masha today, I got into some kind of childhood state of mine,”adds Natalia.

External factors

The age limits are known when the child is ready to "enter" a society, such as a kindergarten. Although these data are fairly average, they can be used as a guide. We cannot write off the fact that kindergartens, groups, and educators in these groups may come across different. Whoever is lucky. And this, too, can cause concern for moms. There are other external factors: the adaptation period itself and its features, taking into account the individual characteristics of the child.

In the depths of the unconscious

From a psychoanalytic point of view, what could be hidden behind the mother's feelings? Let's look at what Natalia said as if it was her dream. In the center is a little girl. She is forced to go where she loses contact with a very important figure for herself. This is experienced as a disaster. The consequences of such a catastrophe cannot be digested in any way, the psyche does not accept them. And he tries to get rid of experiences, throwing them out of himself.

Talking about her daughter, Natalya returns to the painful situation of losing her connection. She seems to be reliving her own experience, which is actualized in connection with the need to take her daughter to the garden. Assuming the idea that her feelings may be associated with her own childhood experience, Natalya comes to an important conclusion: if you react painfully to something, the reason is not only external. The external is a stop-cock, the trigger touches, actualizes and launches something within you.

Internal conflict

I will assume that he manifests himself in a desire to "let go" of the child, to allow the distance between her and her daughter to increase and the inability to do so. With desire, everything is clear. It is quite natural, logical and reasonable, if we assume that the age of the child, the state of his health, and the presence of a sufficiently good kindergarten allow this to be done. Then where does the impossibility come from?

Natalya cannot take the girl to the garden, since then she seems to lose touch with her daughter, and the daughter with her. How, perhaps, once she herself, staying in the garden, felt that she was losing touch with her mother. That is, Natalya is afraid of losing touch. This is the first thing.

Second. Perhaps Natalia turned out to be so traumatized by her early impressions and feelings that it is beyond her power to allow them into consciousness, to touch them. She is forced to defend herself against them by unconsciously placing them in her child. Children, being supersensitive recipients of latent parental feelings, also unconsciously respond and accept them. And they behave in accordance with the feelings "embedded" in them.

Third, Natalya has a catastrophic picture of the loss of a vital connection for herself, and this is precisely the connection between the child and the mother. This picture is unconscious. It manifests itself in dreams and in free associations at a meeting with a psychologist, for example. And it is she who determines the picture of external reality - what we see around us. Consciousness chooses only those facts that somehow confirm this picture. Thus, the inside unfolds in the outside.

There is an exit

The pain of conflict is that, until it is resolved, it plays out over and over again. In the unconscious hope that sooner or later there will be a way out. These attempts are usually excruciating and painful. But man has no other choice. He does the best he can. He is unaware of what is fueling the conflict from within. But when the pain becomes so unbearable that it is impossible to stay with it any longer, a person comes to a psychologist. The specialist helps to unravel the knot between desire and impossibility.

Let's look at that little girl again. “She's crying, she doesn't want to. She must be feeling bad there. It is not known how she is treated there. " Who is that girl? Little daughter? Perhaps this is Natalia herself, tormented by her own fears, her own pain.

If such a view is allowed, it can give a person the opportunity to expand their understanding of what is happening to him now. Think about what, how and why he is going through now. To figure out what unconscious meaning all this has. This understanding helps to reduce the pain of inner cutting experiences. And over time, allows them to lie down altogether. Then the child's trip to the garden ceases to be a terrible dream for his mother.

Photo: © Marina Slavina / Photobank Lori