Nanny For An Embryo: Discussing Surrogacy - Society

How do you feel about a possible ban on surrogacy? Psychologist and journalist Inna Chidzhikhan discusses her attitude to this problem.

Senator Anton Belyakov made a proposal to ban surrogacy in the Russian Federation. According to him, the use of this reproductive technology should be banned until “until Russia develops a new, comprehensive approach to the institution of surrogate motherhood, equally protecting the rights and interests of children, surrogate mothers and potential parents”.

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An ambiguous topic, unfinished legislation, the last chance for some and a profitable business for others. The public is vigorously discussing the scandals associated with surrogacy, and there is a fierce debate about whether it should be allowed or prohibited. And at this time, children continue to be born, in the appearance of which as many as three parents are involved. What psychological problems, flaws in technology and attitudes towards surrogacy in society can lead to its prohibition?

Return in time

If a woman decides to become a surrogate mother, her peace of mind suffers from the very terminology. The word "mother" is confusing. The World Health Organization proposes another term - "gestational courier", but it sounds somehow formal and undignified. But the status of an embryonic nanny is in the very bull's eye. Nanny! This is what she will do for 40 weeks: babysitting the baby for his mom and dad. Nobody asks the nanny: “How do you go for this? You need to sit with the child for hours and then give it back! " So it is here. It is important that the “nanny” initially understands that this is not her child and her task is to take care of him and return him to the parents on time.

Get over the breakup

The most dangerous thing that lies in wait for a surrogate mother is changes in the worldview caused by the pregnancy itself. The "lodger" needs care. He begins to kick tangibly, the body works to create gentle feelings and thoughts. Yesterday's sober look and a certain alienation can turn into strong affection. The woman wants to pour out her love. And the child must be given.

What happens after a baby is born? One "nanny" needs rehabilitation, while the other feels that she has done a heroic act and is proud of herself. In the first hours, sometimes days, there are painful sensations caused by hormonal changes, but later they pass and everything falls into place. Most women do not need a counselor after completing the program. They sign documents, receive royalties and return to their usual life, to their own children. Some decide to have another child - for another childless couple or for themselves.

Why is a happy ending for one nanny a trauma for another? There is not much research done in this area and the results are conflicting. Of course, a lot depends on how confident and calm a woman feels initially, on the characteristics of her character.

Nulliparous parents

Biological parents also face a number of psychological problems. They are tormented by the realization that they cannot control the behavior of a surrogate mother, because before giving birth and signing the necessary documents, the fate of their child is in her hands. They worry about the reaction of others and doubt whether it is worth telling the child about how he was born. The expectant mother feels inferior because she did not give birth herself.

Work relationship

The relationship between the parents and the surrogate mother during the period of preparation for IVF, pregnancy and childbirth is stipulated in the agreement, which is signed by both parties. Some do not see each other at all, preferring to interact through intermediaries, others live most of the pregnancy side by side, visit doctors together and spend their leisure time.

“Surrogate mothers go through various crises, they want to see their biological parents interested, this serves as an additional incentive for them. They want to know that the child will fall into good hands,”says a psychologist who has been selecting surrogate mothers for several years.

Fighting inflation

Pregnant women have a condition that is called inflation in psychology. There is an inflating of their own significance, the feeling of their uniqueness increases. They begin to consider themselves the center of the universe and require appropriate treatment. Sometimes this leads to the fact that the surrogate mother thinks: “I am carrying a child for them. They have to carry me in their arms. Why do they pay little attention to me? Why didn't they bother to meet me? What is this miserable 800,000 rubles for such and such a service? " These thoughts become the beginning for clarifying the relationship, grievances and, alas, even for extortion.

It is important for future parents, agency employees, psychologists and the surrogate mother herself to understand what is happening and react in time. A benevolent attitude and at the same time a firm suppression of any attempts at blackmail will help restore peace. If biological parents keep in touch with the nanny, they need to show interest, say that they value her efforts and are worried about her health. A pregnant woman should not feel “worthless” -you can make nice signs of attention, small gifts, but this initiative should come from the parents.

Attachment to "someone else's aunt"

It is known that the acquaintance of a child with his parents begins even before his birth. Many opponents of surrogate motherhood point out that for the harmonious development of the fetus, love is required that the “someone else's aunt” cannot give, the child gets used to the voice of the one who bears him. But today it costs nothing to record a message from biological parents on a voice recorder and turn it on several times a day. This is not the same as carrying a baby on your own, but better than nothing.

In addition, the fight against attachment does not exclude the surrogate mother's benevolent attitude to the child. Who said nannies don't like babysitters? If we compare the intrauterine life of such a baby and an unwanted refusal child, it turns out that the second has no chance at all to become a normal person? The practice of adoption shows that this is not the case. Children flourish by finding their own family.

Undoubtedly, legislation has far from the last role in the issue of surrogacy. And if the gaps in the law are eliminated, it will help protect all participants in the program.

Photo: © Wavebreak Media / Photobank Lori