Praise Correctly - Blogs

Many modern theories of upbringing prohibit scolding, punishing, criticizing a child, but suggest praising him more and more often, no matter what he does. I have a slightly different opinion on this. It seems to me that praise is a rather dangerous thing in education if it is used incorrectly.

The expression "a little bit of good" can rightly be attributed to praise - it must correspond to the achievements of the child. Excessive praise, when every little thing is generously rewarded, and praise "for the wrong" can be harmful.

It seems to a vaunted child that everything will be easy and simple for him, and when he encounters difficulties, he immediately gives up and retreats. Praising the child, we "teach him to sweet." For the sake of the next "cake" he will only do what is good, and not do what is bad. He will not want to take risks, mastering something new - what if he does not live up to expectations? It turns out that with our praises we instill in the child a fear of failures, and in fact it is they that temper the character. For him, every mistake is a painful blow to pride. He is afraid of failure, worries about the slightest failure, and this is a great burden on the child's psyche.

Psychologists distinguish between two strategies in motivation and, as a consequence, two strategies of behavior. One is aimed at achieving the desired goal, and the other is aimed at avoiding mistakes. Each person uses both. But each of us has one leader. And therefore, people are divided into two types. Some are afraid of mistakes and use only those chances where the result is almost guaranteed. Others rush into battle, even if the chances of success are slim.

Those who are greedy for praise are poor in merit

Plutarch

The person who is afraid to take the wrong step makes fewer attempts than the one who tries, even though he knows he might fail. Quantity develops into quality, and as a result, the chances of a major breakthrough are certainly higher for someone who is not afraid to take risks, makes more attempts, and learns from his mistakes.

Carol Dweck, professor of psychology at Stanford University and author of Agile Mind: A New Look at Developmental Psychology in Adults and Children, investigated the effects of praise on children's character and showed that the good intentions of “praising” parents reduce children's ability to achieve goals.

Four hundred fifth-graders took part in her experiment. At first, the children were given simple tasks for quick wits, which they easily coped with. And then some were praised for their intelligence, talent and excellent results, and others for their diligence and diligence. Then all the participants in the experiment were offered new, more difficult tasks. Most of the children from the first group did not even try to cope with them: they did not want to question their status as a talented student. At the same time, 90% of students in the second group readily took up difficult tasks: praise for their efforts encouraged them to work hard.

It turns out that different types of praise affect motivation in different ways. Seemingly positive labels "smart", "best", "talented" more often do harm than good: the child struggles to match them and begins to avoid difficulties, difficult situations, is afraid that "will be exposed." Why take a risk if it can harm the image of the "champion"?

The kids in the second group just put in the effort and didn't get upset if it didn't lead to success. In other words, praise for the qualities that the child has developed in himself - diligence, diligence and perseverance, and not for what nature has given him, motivates him to overcome difficulties and develops “useful” internal motivation that does not depend on the opinions of others.

Praise corrupts those who like it

Jean Jacques Rousseau

When parents constantly repeat: “You are the best,” the child always strives to be only the first. At one of the consultations, my dad proudly told me about his son, who was seriously interested in wrestling. The boy always won the competition, and then suddenly took "only" the second place and the prize went to his teammate. He sobbed from resentment without ceasing for fifteen minutes and did not want to go home so as not to upset his mother. The whole evening he looked completely dead, and the next day he did not go to training. He knew that the family was proud of him, his awards were shown to guests. But they praised him only for the victory, and not for the fact that he trained hard, mastered new techniques, became a good sparring partner. Therefore, for him "silver" is not just a defeat, but a real tragedy, a collapse.

Dad believed that such perfectionism, the desire to win always and in everything perfectly characterizes his son. My view of the situation was different. I told how important it is to explain to a child that life consists not only of victories, to teach him to accept failures with dignity, to learn from each one, to think, to analyze its reasons. And she gave an example from the life of the gymnast Alexei Nemov. At the Olympiad he was awarded second place. The audience raged, believing that this was unfair, and demanded a revision of the judges' assessments. Alexei stopped the protests and gratefully accepted the silver medal. Few people remember the then champion, but Nemov's deed is still admired. This was truly masculine behavior. Hearing my story, dad thought about it.

If we want the child to dare, to be aimed at high achievements, so that he can live an interesting full life, then we need to do so that he is not afraid of mistakes. And for this we will try to praise him “correctly” - not for his abilities and talent, but for his efforts, diligence and attempts to achieve the goal.