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Video: Awkward For Parents - Society
Why are teens ashamed of their parents? Does dad and mom need to change their habits, behavior and even appearance if the child begins to be ashamed of them? And what to do if the teenager is “not satisfied” with the profession of the father or the obsessive guardianship of the mother? To understand the reasons for teen shame, consider three case studies.
Story One: Loser Dad
At the reception Nastya, 14 years old
- My father and I fight all the time. I don’t understand by what right he interferes in my life, tells me what to do, tries to dictate with whom to be friends …
- And who is your father?
- How is it - nobody ?!
- He's a loser.
- But how can you judge at fourteen? Where did you get this?
- Mom calls him that. And she is right, and she can judge, they studied together. And he was almost the best student there, he always helped my mother in mathematics and others … And now he inserts the windows and says that everything suits him.
- Listen, if a person is satisfied with what he does (and he, mind you, works honestly and useful for others), who cares?
- Here! You said it yourself! I tell him the same thing! If I am satisfied with how I study, how I dress, how I spend my free time and who are my friends, what is his business ?!
Well, your parents are in some way responsible for you.
- Let him be responsible for himself! He told me here the day before yesterday that he was embarrassed for me that I was going to school like this. And like I have to change. And the fact that my mother and I are embarrassed for him, that he left the laboratory with a higher education and drags windows? Doesn't he need to do anything about this ?! Her old acquaintances ask her mother: “What is your husband doing? We remember he was so talented … "And my mother answers them:" Pasha is in the construction business, "and she looks somewhere at the floor. Tell me honestly, if such a father told you that he is ashamed of you, and that you are not studying at full strength, and that you are wasting a lot of time when you can learn something new and interesting, what would you answer him? Well, you are silent …
This group is the most common. In fact, neither the family nor the teenager have any real problems. Other people's (usually parental) interpersonal problems are transmitted (projected) onto the child. The mother considers the father a failure. The mother-in-law is sure that the daughter-in-law is not equal to her son. The father despises "klushu" - his wife. The child easily reads all these family disharmonies (and they are not particularly hidden), identifies with either the “aggressor” or the “victim”, and begins to “feel ashamed” or “despise” someone along with someone from the family. Often without any reason. We do not know why Nastya's father left his job in the laboratory, but it was his decision, and at the moment he is satisfied with what he is doing. What are the reasons for the mother and daughter to be ashamed of him? But the father should also think: on what basis does he indicate to his daughter,with whom should she be friends and how to dress?
What to do?
The main task of parents is to separate real life from their projections and revise all the assessments that exist in the family. If it is difficult for yourself, you need to seek help from a specialist. Then honestly inform the child (teenager) about the results of the analysis. As a rule, this already shifts the situation towards normalization.
It is much easier to become a father than to remain one
Story Two: Stuffy Mother
At the reception, the mother of 15-year-old Igor, came without a son
- His friends never come to our house. Moreover, he has been dating a girl for almost a year, I know this from his phone calls, I read it on his page. I saw her only once - by chance I met them together on the street. I earn enough, my son has everything. But I don't really know anything about his life. All questions are answered: "It's okay, mom." As if I'm a stranger to him. My husband died when the boy was ten years old. I never married again (although my name was), I decided to devote my life to raising my son. Hoped that we would become friends. And now I feel hopelessly fooled …
At the reception Igor (without mother)
Mom asks: “Why don't any of your friends come to you? And why don't you introduce me to your girlfriend? " Offended: "I gave you my whole life!" And I asked her ?! Says: "You are silent all the time, or you talk on the phone, or you sit at the computer." How can I explain to her?
- Explain - what?
- Well, I don’t want her to see my friends? And with my girlfriend?
- Why don't you want something? What's so terrible about it if it's so important to her? Can you explain to me?
- Because she is … very stuffy! Just don't tell her, otherwise she will be even more offended! I understand that she is my mother and that she always does everything for me and loves me. I love her too, believe me … But if she meets with one of my friends … Even when I was little, I was always embarrassed … she just grabs them like a leech, she can enter the room a hundred times, all the time that He offers something (tea there, chicken soup) and, most importantly, starts asking right away: “Who are your parents? What do they work for? Are your family Leningraders? Where did you come from? Do you have brothers and sisters?
How do you study?
What are you interested in?
What do you want to become when you grow up? " One gets the impression that she evaluates them from different angles, as if she wants to buy on the market, wondering if they are suitable for her precious son or not … Who would like that?
- Listen, but you could have just asked her …
- I used to say, but she does not understand me at all and answers: “What's wrong? Am I asking them something obscene or secret? I am interested to know what kind of people are my son's friends …”Would you invite friends home? Or talk about them?
There are real psychological problems and misunderstandings in the relationship between a teenager and his family members. This can be overprotectiveness on the part of parents, excessive demandingness, familiarity, inappropriate lisping, cruelty and many other options. One thing in common is that the parent's behavior style causes not only rejection in the child, but also awkwardness, unwillingness for someone else to know about it, especially friends or members of his adolescent reference group.
What to do?
There are two steps for this group. Stage one - an attempt to talk with the adolescent himself (it may not be crowned with success, this must be understood). In this conversation, you are trying to find out what exactly and why frustrates the child in your behavior and / or the behavior of other family members. At the same time, you do not make excuses and do not blame anyone. Pure analysis in the interests of "improvement" of intra-family relations.
If the attempt is successful, everything is simple. You resolutely stop doing the most egregious things yourself, explain in an accessible way what and why you should stop doing other interested persons (for example, your father or grandmother), and otherwise honestly look for a compromise, it usually turns out to be quite achievable.
If the child consistently avoids the conversation, everything is more difficult. But also not hopeless. You just start to consistently change your behavior and keep a diary of observations. If I asked him every day what he ate at school today and what the class teacher told him, I will stop doing it. I have never talked about my work - I'll start. Something has changed? Nothing? Let's try to stop talking about his computer-ruined health … Maybe try to play tanks?
If you do not give up, you will be consistent (and be sure to record the results!), At some point you will certainly find the right line, and then things will go faster and more fun right away.
In the UK, one of the reasons teenagers are ashamed of their parents is because they don't pay taxes. Bailiffs often come home with a subpoena when the older generation is away, and after such a visit, most teenagers experience increased embarrassment about their parents and their own purchases (according to a survey initiated by the Bailiffs Association of the High Court of England and Wales).
Story three: Father drinks, grandmother is sick
Ira's mom, 13 years old, at the reception
- She is closed, closed, and she really has no friends and never had, only acquaintances. He sits with himself, does his homework, or listens to music on headphones, or reads a book. And recently I saw why I came running to you - her left arm was cut all over with a razor. Not deeply, not so as to open the veins, but often, often. I say: “What did you do ?! Lost her mind?!" And she thoughtfully like this: "Yes, I myself, mom, I don't know, maybe I really didn't notice and left." Of course, I blame myself for everything, but what can I do about it?
- What exactly do you blame yourself for?
- Well, the fact that she is. She studies well, and the teachers always speak positively about her, they say she is diligent, only the German teacher once asked: "Why does she never look you in the eye, always so serious?" But what else can she be if she has such a family? She is ashamed of us, at least ashamed to call a friend, at least tell someone …
- What's wrong with your family?
- Yes, in general, everything is like everyone else's, probably … but … my husband drinks. Brains have not yet been completely drunk, he works, he brings money to his family, but in the evening three times a week, and on weekends it is obligatory … We have a two-room apartment. In the same room - my husband and I and the younger Kolenka, he is seven years old. When my husband is completely drunk, I put him on the sofa in the kitchen. And in another room - a daughter with a grandmother. She is really her great-grandmother, this is her husband's grandmother, she raised him and the apartment is hers. She was a very good woman, simple, kind, hard-working, she also managed to help me with the children. Five years ago, she had a stroke, now she is lying down, almost unable to understand anything. Sometimes Ira does not notice, and sometimes she will throw a mug at her … My daughter does not take offense at her, realizes that she is a sick person, but it is hard for her next to her, of course, and it smells there, no matter how hard we try … Maybewho else would have had fun in her place, and took friends to his lying great-grandmother and an alcoholic dad, but I really understand my daughter. But where am I going to get her another family?
There are real circumstances in family life that cause feelings of shame and embarrassment. Moreover, not only a child and a teenager, but also an adult could experience the same feelings in similar circumstances. This can be extreme family poverty (distinguishing a child among classmates), alcoholism or mental illness of one of the parents, sexual promiscuity of one of the relatives, extremely cramped living conditions, exotic hobbies and the worldview of someone in the family, manifested in everyday life (sectarians, hippies, etc.).
What to do?
The main thing here is child support. Not pity ("my poor little one"), but support. Actualization and clear articulation of resources (Ira actually has a lot - she is intelligent, well-read, generous, patient): "You don't have this and that, but you have this and that." It is imperative to share your ways of coping and compensation - you yourself live in this, how do you cope? If there is any specific (in time) plan for overcoming difficulties, be sure to share it with your child: “The house is being built, there is a year and a half left - and you will have your own room”, “We agreed: after the New Year, dad goes to the hospital and will try recover. " Everyone needs concrete hope, it helps to live here and now.
Love to health
Misunderstanding between parents and children, ambiguous, unsettled relationships negatively affect the health of the younger generation. The International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity has published the results of research by Canadian scientists. Based on a survey of 3,700 girls and 2,600 guys aged 14–24 years, they compared the physical and mental state of the participants (gastrointestinal tract work, motivation for sports and study, being overweight, etc.) with the atmosphere in the family. Every sixth girl and 50% of boys reported good relations with their parents. The results have shown that these young people have the best physical and mental health. They were more active, did not complain of insomnia, were less overweight, and showed no signs of depression.