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Video: I Hit A Child - Society
This is an extreme situation, and urgent measures are required for both mother and child. Much has been written about children. How can mom get through this difficult moment and move on?
A slap or a slap on the head - and everything froze inside. Did I really do it? How did it happen? Am I failing to be a good mom? Will I ever be calm? Emotions cover the ocean wave. Wine. Impotence. Pain. Heart beats, tears on the way, panic.
Calm, only calm! It's a matter of everyday life
Yes, this is not very useful for a child. And most likely harmful. But "it" has already happened. Or it happens regularly. Not all psychologists will be able to call "it" violence. So much of the pain and anguish of the mother herself lies behind "this" that to say "violence" means to add guilt, fear and panic.
Mom, it happens. And part of our difficult mothering job is to live “it” and look for ways to make a difference. You know that there are many reasons behind accidental spanking and breakdowns: some were raised by their parents in childhood with a belt, some were beaten or offended in moments of unrestrained anger, some were sexually abused or assaulted. But now not about that, but about an urgent correction of the situation.
Ambulance for mom
Remember, on the planes the flight attendants announce: “First put on an oxygen mask for yourself, then for your child”? An accidental blow is the same emergency situation, urgent help in it is needed for both - both the mother and the child.
But to help the child, when everything is around in her head and her hands are trembling, it will not work.
If this is happening right now, there are several options for action.
- 1. The child is most likely crying, angry or very offended, and if you can hug him, hug him, just do it. Silently. Pay yourself if necessary. To say something now is unnecessary. You both have a lot of emotions. Live them together, embracing - it's safer.
- 2. If you are still emotionally heated and there is a danger of another yelling or spanking - find an opportunity to retire for a while. Just for one minute!
- 3. So, you have a minute to "put on an oxygen mask for yourself", and then return to your son or daughter. But now you need to quickly discharge yourself, throw out emotions. What do you want? Shout? Fight with your hands? With your feet? Do something - clench your teeth, clench your fists, wave your hands like a boxer, stomp, shout, growl! Beat the pillow, smash the plate, make some noise with plastic bottles! These may be strange actions - but they are all much more environmentally friendly than slaps, believe me. And probably, you will not be completely released in this minute - now it is important to take emergency measures. Later, you need to allocate time to think about the whole situation, but this is later.
- 4. Did you feel any better? Now exhale and help the child. There are many different ways, but if you don’t know how best to help right now, just hug him and calm him down. Do something nice for both of you for a little while. Reestablish secure contact.
How to live on?
An unpleasant incident happened to you, but this is not the end of life. Now it is important to analyze the situation and take action for the future.
Now you know what to do in an emergency. But if you want to seriously change this part of the relationship with your child, you need a long-term strategy. Find books, articles, specialists - everything that will help you dive deeper into the problem, understand its origins, build a new model of behavior and interaction in your family.
Photo: Ilya Andriyanov / Photobank Lori
- 1. It is very important to name your feelings. What was it? Anger? Impotence? Despair? A diary helps a lot. Write down everything you feel, think it over.
- 2. Look for what's behind the breakdown. Most likely, this is a story from the past combined with overwork or stress. This is where the help of a psychologist may be needed - especially if such situations are repeated regularly. Something difficult is going on - so allow yourself to ask for help and figure it out.
- 3. If your family takes heart-to-heart conversations, explain to your child what happened to you. Tell us that you are tired, could not resist, and in general it is not very good to do this. Sorry. This will restore your credibility and credibility. If you find it difficult to say such things and apologize, it would be good to think about why - and what to do if this method of restoring contact is not yet available to you.
- 4. Come up with and write down a plan of emergency actions in a notebook, if suddenly "this" happens again. Get ready. Maybe keep boxing gloves on hand to expose an overdose of emotion to the wall in the hallway? Maybe carry an anti-stress ball in your purse? A clear sequence of actions helps only because the situation becomes more controllable. And then there is a little less powerlessness in the soul.